Big Time Love Story
by ThatGuy21
Summary: When you finally find love, how will you keep it? Follow the melodramatic love story of Logan and Kendall in the course of a year from Kendall's perspective. Based on a dream I had; rated M obviously.
1. Sweet

**Awhile back I had one of those dreams that had such an affect on me that I abandoned the one-shot I was currently working on at the time, and began writing this story. (Don't worry, I promise to go back and finish that one-shot!). I loved the dream so much that I wrote the entire rough draft in a day, and since then have been trying to flesh out and elaborate the story. It looks like the story will probably consist of six chapters at this point; it really depends on how much I edit out and/or add in to future chapters so that may very easily change. I'm very excited about it overall; I think it may be my favorite story I've written to-date next to Big Time Romance. **

**I also want to be clear right now that I DO already have a definitive end, so when it ends I hope no one will be expecting more because I really wanted to give this love story a real beginning and end, and not just dragging it on for the sake of it. I don't want to give away too much this early on, but I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it! Please review and let me know what you think; will *try* to edit and update every weekend. Without further ado, I give you Big Time Love Story.**

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

><p><strong>"Love is the emblem of eternity;<strong>

**It confounds all notion of time;**

**Effaces all memory of a beginning,**

**All fear of an end."**

**-Germaine de Stael**

_It had been a little over a year and a half since Logan Mitchell and I had been dating. And within that time frame, we had been secretly dating for close to a year before anyone else had found out. James and Carlos were first to find out after they had accidentally stumbled upon Logan and I making out underneath one of the cabanas by the pool, sporting bulges no less. I think it's safe to say we were all completely speechless in that moment. After that, Logan and I felt that it was time to confess to our friends and family. We were both reluctant to sit down with our respective families and come clean, to say the least. I in particular remember being very nervous to confess to my mom. Although when I finally did come out to her, I felt a bit sheepish for living in such anxiety before; because my mom had reacted exactly the way I had expected her to. Nothing had changed; my mom loved me just the same, and perhaps in a way even more, for having the courage to come out. And I think she was relieved knowing that if I did have to live this lifestyle, it would be with Logan, my very best friend. In many ways, mom treated all the guys like her own, but Logan especially, so the transition was a fairly seamless one for all of us involved. In retrospect, I suppose we should have come clean sooner. I found the situation perfectly ironic, because what began as a forbidden romance between Logan and I, and then to a fear of our secret being exposed, to a love that was accepted by all those whom we love. Now Logan and I really couldn't imagine any obstacle we wouldn't be able to face. _

SUMMER

I stretched actively, in hopes of expelling all the tightness in the muscles from my body. My exposed skin was instantly welcomed by the cool air in our AC controlled room, which was a stark contrast to the warm sheets the rest of my body was wrapped in. My long lanky arms splayed across my bed, brushing my knuckles against the extra pillow rest next to me. That's when I realized something was missing; where was Logan? My half lidded eyes flew open as if someone yelled "fire!" I immediately jerked my head up, looked at the vacant spot and then quickly scanned the rest of the bedroom. The room was dimly lit, with only a modest amount of sunlight peeking through from the slightly opened blinds. I wasn't sure if the day was barely beginning or coming to end. I licked my dry lips and rubbed my eyes, knowing either way I should probably get out of bed. I dragged my limp body into the connecting bathroom and flicked on the lights, which were much too bright in my current groggy state. I turned the sink faucet on full blast and splashed the cold water on my face. The icy water felt great, and invigorated me with enough energy, so I grabbed my blue toothbrush from its holder. I paused for a second and looked down at the pink toothbrush placed next to mine, momentarily thinking about Logan and chuckled at the private joke. After I finished brushing my teeth and washing my face, I ran a comb through my messy hair, giving up halfway through. I glanced over myself once and convinced myself I looked decent enough to begin the day, so I headed out into the living room in hopes of finding Logan.

I surveyed the empty space and realized everyone must have left the apartment, but smelled something delicious that beckoned for me in the direction of the kitchen. I ghosted towards the warm aroma; a single cinnamon roll, with a gooey glaze running down the sides, rested on a plate with an accompanying note.

_Saved you one, sleepyhead. _

_Love, Logan. _

I smiled and folded the note. Logan must have made a batch this morning; he knew too well how much I like them, almost as much as him. Almost. And Carlos and James must have devoured the majority of them like usual. I wouldn't be surprised if Logan had to fight them off just to save this last one for me. I smiled even wider this time at the thought, and then took a big bite out of the still warm breakfast treat. The sticky sweetness of the cinnamon roll lingered on my tongue, so I rummaged through the fridge looking for some milk to chase the sweetness down. Even with my head buried in the fridge, I was still able to hear the door open and close, causing me to spin around in that direction. It was Logan. I gulped and couldn't help but stare at him in a blatantly obvious kind of way. He was dressed casually, looking like he was perfectly ready for a day at the beach in his striped blue tank and white board shorts. He still looked glorious even in the casual attire. Even though we had been together for quite some time now, I was still constantly in awe of Logan's perfection. It was as though I was seeing Logan for the first time every time. I stood there, looking like a speechless fool I'm sure, and traced every contour of Logan's face; the smoothness of his ivory skin, the roundness of his deep brown eyes, the slightly pulled smirk of his lips, and of course those adorable dimples that formed, signaling to me that Logan was just as happy to see me, which sent my heart fluttering. I stared at Logan for no more than five seconds, but it must have been long enough for him to feel slightly under scrutiny, because the smile slowly faded and was replaced with a puzzled look.

"Kendall, you alright?" Logan questioned.

"Yeah, of course." I replied, slightly muffled from the food hanging from my opened mouth. "Do we have any milk?"

"Yeah, it should be in there." Logan took a few strides and walked past me and began pushing away at the contents in the fridge. I couldn't help but steal a naughty glance at his ass. I smiled at the view. All the while I was admiring at him, Logan's scent lingered in the air. As strange as it sounds, I've always loved Logan's unique scent; it was an odd mixture of a pine and fresh snow. I suppose it reminded me of Minnesota. I always took comfort knowing Logan was like my reminder of home. And Logan had a refreshing scent compared to the pretentious and overrated smells of everyone else in Hollywood, from all the sun tanning lotions to cheaply manufactured bronzers. But I must have inhaled too deeply, because my eyelids felt heavy and I didn't even notice Logan was standing before me holding a carton of milk.

"You're positive you're okay?" Logan teased. I barely opened my eyelids. Instead, I instinctively pulled Logan in by the waist. A small gasp escaped Logan's mouth.

"Better now that you're here," I said in a low voice. I then lowered my head so it hovered over Logan's neck, and used my nose to trace the contours of his neck to the back of his ear. I took another deep inhale, and let out a soft moan. Damn, he smelled so good… The contact between us seemed to relax Logan as well. He raised one of his hands to my face, and then moved to caress my cheek with the back of his hand. His touches were always so gentle, so soft. I pulled Logan in a little closer as if by reflex. I gently buried my face into the nook of Logan's neck and planted a light kiss on the exposed flesh. I was surprised to notice his skin was still warm, but that he still retained that naturally intoxicating scent of his, even though he was most likely out in the sun for most of the morning.

"Mmm, you smell so good, Logie…"

"So do you..." Logan replied breathlessly.

"Yeah?" I whispered. I've always wondered how I smelt to Logan.

"Oh yeah..." I hummed, giving him another peck on the neck. I felt blood rush south, and if the firmness from behind Logan's shorts was any indication, then the same was happening to him. Logan must have worried that things were getting too hot and heavy, with us potentially having sex in the kitchen for anyone to walk in on, so he attempted to change the subject. Logan cleared his throat and asked, "Did you like the cinnamon roll I left for you?" It was his terrible attempt at trying to sound nonchalant and casual. I finally jerked my head up and met Logan's eyes. Surely, I wouldn't let him escape that easily.

"Yeah, I did. You want to taste?" And with that, I placed an opened-mouth kiss on him, slipping my tongue into his mouth. Logan was briefly stunned; obviously this was not what he had anticipated, but it seemed like he quickly relished in the moment. I'm sure Logan tasted the sweetness of what was probably the brown sugar. I, on the other hand, was feeling the softness of Logan's tongue brushing against mine. My kisses became almost ravenous; as if I was dying of hunger and needed to devour Logan. Nothing else was ever enough to satiate and sustain me than the taste of Logan. I could only hope he desired me just as much. Logan must have read my thoughts, because he began to gently nibble on my earlobe, forcing a deep groan out of me. That tease. All of a sudden, an animalistic side of me was unleashed and I pushed Logan against the fridge door. Logan let out an audible gasp, but not from pain but from a burning desire to ravage me just the same by the look in his eyes. My hands pinned Logan against the stainless steel fridge, and I resumed making out with him, this time even more urgently and hungrily. Logan then grabbed me by the waist and pulled me in, deliberately rubbing his crotch against mine, causing more moans to escape our mouths. He really was asking for it… I pulled away, just to frustrate him, and looked into his yearning eyes. He leaned forward and placed small tender kisses on my lips, setting a different and softer tone. I accepted. Logan was not the kind of person you just fucked; no, he was someone you made sweet love with. It didn't matter how Logan showed his affection; I gladly welcomed any way he was willing to deliver it. One thing for sure, he definitely could get me rock hard with a simple touch. We continued to kiss each other softly like that until-

"Ew gross, you two," a familiar voice yelled out.

"Katie! Be nice. Hi, boys. Sorry if we, ahem, interrupted."

Logan blushed and quickly apologized out loud to no one in particular. We didn't even hear that the door had opened during our passionate frenzy. I realized I had a huge erection, so I grabbed the closest potholder and conveniently placed it in front of my crotch. Logan looked down to see what I was doing, and then quickly caught on. He blushed a deeper shade of red, which he wore so adorably. I definitely saw a smirk on his face after looking at my bulge though.

"Katie, why don't you go into your room and finish your homework?" Our mom finally suggested.

"But I already finished my homework." Katie said matter of fact.

"Then go and clean your room!" She attempted again. Clearly she was trying to shield my sister from all the teen romance.

"Fine…" Katie groaned before giving up, realizing it was our mom's nice way of saying, _you're too young to be_ _exposed to all this._

"Hey, mom. Sorry if…" I began, but not too sure on how to finish the sentence. I knew my mom was completely accepting of my relationship with Logan; probably more so than most parents we knew. But I still felt a bit guilty at times when Logan and I would put our love on display, without taking into account the people around us, now that our relationship was public. I knew I had a certain responsibility as a big brother to Katie. I also didn't want to put my mom in a difficult position; like whether she should be overly lenient to my make out sessions with Logan or too strict and come across as unsupportive. It was a tricky thing, but my mom and I were both still learning. After all, neither one of us had been in this situation before.

"Oh, don't even worry about it, sweetie." She tried to say confidently.

"We'll try to do that more privately from now." I promised.

"I know you will, sweetie. And that's why I love you." And then she walked over to me, placed her hands on the sides of my face, got on her tip toes and kissed me on the forehead. I smiled at her and wondered how I deserved not only the perfect boyfriend, but also the most tolerant and supportive mother ever.

"Do you need any help putting away the groceries, Mrs. Knight?" Logan asked, finally noticing the big paper bags sitting in front of the apartment door.

"Oh, that's so sweet of you, Logan! Yeah, that would be great." Mom cooed. I looked down at my still rock hard erection.

"You two do that; I'll just be right back, okay?" I said, slipping out of the kitchen, but not before giving Logan a quick peck on the lips. Then I bolted out of the kitchen, passing the carefully placed potholder I had been holding to Logan. As I sprinted towards the bedroom, I heard Logan laugh lightly behind me. I slammed the door behind me, not even bothering to lock it and threw myself on my bed. As I hastily unzipped my pants, I looked over my shoulder at a framed photo of Logan and I placed on the nightstand. I grabbed my throbbing exposed member and began stroking impatiently and vigorously. I looked back at the framed photo again, and focused on Logan's mesmerizing smile, wishing he was there in that moment. I looked back down and figured doing it solo was good enough… For now.


	2. Timeless

"Thanks for your help with all the groceries," Logan said sarcastically, obviously feigning anger. He shut the door behind him. I also noticed he made sure to lock the door.

"Sorry, Logie. I had to take care of my… problem," I contended, while throwing on a new t-shirt. Logan looked over at the nightstand and noticed the ball of tissues sitting on top. He looked back at me, and gave me a small smile.

"Mmm, you should have waited for me to help you take care of it…" Logan teased, gliding towards me. I took the bait and flirted back.

"Yeah, you're right. I should have… After all, it was _your_ fault to begin with…"

"I can live with that." Logan wrapped his fingers around my neck, and pulled me in for a kiss. If he thought a single kiss would satisfy me, then he clearly didn't know me well enough. I pried Logan's mouth open with my tongue for a more sensuous kiss. Of course, I would never have to actually use any real force because somehow I always suspected Logan would never deny me access.

I continued to sweep my tongue against Logan's, but much more slowly and tenderly than previously in the kitchen. Logan wrapped his arms tightly around my neck as I placed my hands on his lower back, drawing him in. Our crotches touched and rubbed in a way that caused both of us to whimper beneath our shared kisses. It seemed like Logan could barely contain himself; he moaned, squirmed and gyrated. Or maybe Logan was pissed off at the mere thought of me running off earlier to relieve myself, while he had to endure the sexual frustration. If Logan decided that as punishment I would have to gratify him then so be it; after all, there were certainly worse consequences than making love to the angel that is Logan Mitchell. He edged forward, slowly forcing us closer to my bed. I stumbled clumsily over my own feet, as I tried to walk backwards. But I never stopped embracing or kissing Logan; I refused. Even God himself was not able to keep my lips from Logan's. It was evident how much I desired the brunette by my urgent kisses.

We barely realized we had made it to the bed. It was only when I had fallen backwards, with Logan collapsing on top, that we hit the soft mattress. Logan propped himself up with his hands and knees placed on both sides of me, encompassing me like a human prison; a prison I would never willingly try to escape, of course. I kept my hands on Logan's smooth back the entire time. Our kissing never ceased as I slowly slid my hands under Logan's tank and inched higher up his back. I used the tips of my fingers to gently rake my lover's back; Logan returned the favor by pressing his crotch and grinding against me. We both let out synchronized moans. _This boy will be the death of me, I'm sure of it_, I thought.

I moved my hands even higher, raking over Logan's shoulder blades. There was nothing I wanted to do more than strip my boyfriend, but I realized in order to do so I would have to briefly stop kissing him. I always found it extremely difficult to stop kissing Logan after we started; it was as though feeling Logan's lips pressed against mine was more essential than air. But then I envisioned a naked Logan, straddling me, causing my member to throb and so I urgently gripped the hem of Logan's tank and jerked it over his head, quickly tossing it aside. I looked up at my shirtless boyfriend and admired his smooth ivory skin, which looked astonishingly beautiful with a golden tint thanks to the lamp on our nightstand. I twitched under my jeans at the sight in front of me. Logan must have read my mind, because he brought his hands to my jeans and began to expertly undo my pants with one hand, as the other hand remained in place as support. When Logan unfastened the button and unzipped the fly, he began massaging me through the thin boxers; I let out a loud moan. One can only imagine the sensation that I experienced every time an angel as beautiful as Logan touched me in that manner. He then traced my erection through the fabric, causing another loud moan involuntarily escaped my mouth.

"Shhh…" Logan calmly reminded me, and then resumed to slowly palm me some more. I closed my eyes, furrowing my brows in ecstasy, my mouth slightly ajar. The warmth of Logan's hand sent blood flowing down south and in no time I was at full mast. Logan smiled, clearly a bit proud of his accomplishment. Then he moved off of me, which instantly had me worried. _Where is he going?_ I thought. But he didn't go too far. Logan stationed himself to the side of the bed. He stood in the dim light and began to undo his board shorts slowly… teasing me, no doubt. If I wasn't drooling before, I was now. That was another thing about Logan; he was indisputably adorable, but he was also sexy as hell. I always found satisfaction in knowing that the sexy part of him would be for my eyes alone. Logan continued to undo the drawstrings on his board shorts at a painfully slow pace. When he finally unknotted the thing, he carefully peeled his shorts off, dropping them down to the floor and kicking them to the side. I leaned back to get a full view, admiring the perfection in front me; he looked so magnificent even in the poor lighting. I was having another one of those surreal moments, in which I could barely grasp how lucky I was to have someone as beautiful as Logan. My eyes scanned all over his naked body, when I then realized he was sporting an erection as well; this caused another twitch below. Logan stood there for a moment looking at me, almost as if seeking appreciation. Did he not understand how beautiful he was? And not just because of his toned body and angelic face; everything about him was glorious. I think something in my eyes registered with him because the corners of Logan's mouth pulled and slowly a full smile had formed, dazzling me with his pearly white smile and accompanying dimples.

"You're so damn beautiful, Logie," I announced almost breathlessly. Logan stared at his feet and blushed a bit, but then looked back up into my gaze and slinked his way back to bed. The way he moved almost sent me over the edge. I returned to my horizontal position with Logan hovering over me, and he started to run his fingers across the waistband of my underwear. More teasing. I allowed him to tease me as I removed my shirt and discarded it. I quickly glanced at the small pile of clothes resting on the ground and smiled at the sight. I suppose Logan had decided he had teased me enough so he grabbed both the jeans and boxers I was wearing, and pulled both down simultaneously. He tossed them into the existing pile on the floor. Logan looked down at my hard on with its tip coated by my pre-cum.

"Someone's excited," he stated, while raising an eyebrow.

"I'd say," I countered, looking down at Logan's own erection. Logan let out a small laugh.

"You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours…"

"Hopefully we'll do more than just back scratching." I hinted. I pulled him in for a long, deep, open-mouth kiss. Logan climbed back on top of me and began planting small kisses on my neck, then slowly trailing down my chest. Every spot that received a kiss felt great; it was as though he was stamping all the parts of me that he loved. He continued showering me with kisses, paying extra attention to my nipples and navel, all the way down but deliberately avoided my member, which was pulsating uncontrollably at this point. But after the slightest pause, Logan wrapped his hand around my base and engulfed my length; my eyes closed and I threw my head back in delight. Logan's lips around my shaft felt like nirvana. He began moving his mouth up and down, applying a tighter pressure, which only made me moan out louder. I knew I should have tried to keep silent, especially after the promise I made to my mom earlier, but Logan always made it was difficult for me. I could barely contain my excitement and no doubt Logan could probably feel me throbbing wildly inside his mouth. My chest heaved up and down, sweat beads started to form at my temples and my abs contracted frantically, indicating to him that I was close. Logan began bobbing faster, overwhelming my senses. I had to stop him before I exploded. I pulled Logan up to my face and slipped my tongue in Logan's mouth.

"Why end the fun so soon?" I whispered. And then I flipped Logan over so that he was lying on his back underneath me, and then parted his legs. I paused and looked into Logan's warm eyes, and gave him a tender kiss before continuing. I moved into position and lined myself to Logan's entrance and slowly pushed myself forward; I lost all adjectives to describe the sensation. Logan's mouth widened, but he was too breathless to produce an audible sound. I began to thrust slowly into my boyfriend, locking eyes with him as I did so. When I sank deeper into him I began picking up speed. We had developed a rhythmic way of making love. Logan's body absorbed everything I delivered to him, so I continued pumping into him until he climaxed first. That was the kind of lover I wanted to be for him; making sure Logan was fully satisfied before I thought of my own pleasure was always my priority. I stared deeply into his eyes, continuing to thrust in and out of him swiftly, and told him I loved him. He didn't respond, but he didn't need to; something in his eyes said so much more than words could ever express. Immediately after that Logan came in huge bursts, spilling all over himself as well as on my stomach. This gave me the green light to come, so with a few final pumps I exploded every ounce of my being into him. My body stiffened briefly but then fell limp, and I reflexively collapsed on top of him. I was panting heavily, as was he. Our bodies seemed to melt into one. My skin felt so light, yet it felt tainted with a layer of sweat, which was probably a mixture of mine and Logan's. I tried to find my breath, but couldn't. No amount of air or words could transcribe how I felt about Logan. I rested my head in the nook of Logan's neck. He never seemed to mind my weight on him, or the fact that I was still in him semi-hard. Instead he just ran his fingers through my tangled mess of hair, stroking and caressing me the way only he could. I felt a kiss being planted on the top of my head. We lied there, not entirely sure what time it was. Time wasn't relevant when we were together. It was like our time together was infinite, but yet no amount of time together ever seemed to be enough. Only thing we felt was each other, nothing else mattered in those moments we shared. Everything else just melted away in our timeless safe haven; that is, until we heard a quiet awkward knock on our bedroom door, almost as if the person was a bit embarrassed to knock in the first place.

"Dinner's ready, boys." My mom called reluctantly from behind the door.

"Thanks, mom!" I yelled quickly to buy us a few more minutes. Time… what a stupid thing. "I guess we should join the rest of the world then?" Logan chuckled, causing me to bounce lightly up and down his chest.

"Yeah, probably. I didn't even realize we wasted half the day in the room."

"I wouldn't mind wasting an entire week with you in the room." I teased.

"Alright, alright. Let's put some clothes on and go eat. Even _you_ have to stop having sex for food eventually."

"Mmm, but why would I when I can just live off of you?" I joked. I tickled Logan to get him to laugh; it worked because he was in hysterics and floundering around like a fish. I eventually freed him, and jumped right out of bed, probably fearing I would tickle him again. I gave him a slap on his ass as he searched through the pile of clothes, looking for which ones were his. He turned around and gave me a warning glare, but I knew he secretly liked it…

We eventually did put our clothes back on and had dinner with my mom, Katie, James and Carlos, who weren't oblivious to what we did behind closed doors; it just was never a dinner-friendly topic to bring up at the table, to say the least. Logan and I played footsies at the dinner table like a pair of eight year-olds. We scarfed down our plates and didn't even care for seconds; we both knew our destination would be our bedroom. Logan and I made some feeble excuse to the others about being tired and wanting to go to bed early; Logan tried to throw in a fake yawn for good measure. It was such a poor attempt, and I'm pretty sure I saw Katie grimacing and James rolling his eyes. Never mind what they thought, all I knew was I had to have Logan again. The second the both of us made it into the room, I locked the door. Logan slammed into me and crashed his lips against mine.

That night, Logan and I made love for a second time.


	3. The Promise

FALL

I quickened my pace in hopes of seeing Logan, even if just for a minute. The air had finally decided to cool down after what felt like a record-setting hot summer. All the residents of the Palm Woods were finally able to layer up and wear their newest clothes, all of which probably had been sitting in their closets just waiting to be shown off. All the girls flaunted their fall boots, cooing and awing at one another as they decided who had the trendiest pair, with each girl secretly thinking to herself she owned the best boots, I'm sure. And the guys were decked out trendy leather jackets with cashmere scarves strategically swung around their necks, trying to make the whole ensemble seem 'effortless', but clearly trying to get noticed just the same. I, for one, could care less about what everyone else was doing, much less wearing. All I wanted more than anything else in that moment was to see Logan and feel his soft lips. I missed his lips against mine. It had been a grueling day for me and Carlos at the studio, recording our solo parts for the new album, only made to feel perpetually long by the fact that I hadn't seen Logan all day. I saw the elevator doors open with some residents exiting and I rushed in to make sure I got to my floor before anyone else could push the button.

"Logan?" I called out as I stepped into the apartment and hung up my jacket.

"In here, Kendall," that musical voice of his called from the kitchen. I turned the corner and looked at him; my heart started pounding a little faster. _How is it that he has this effect on me every single time_, I wondered. "Hey, you," Logan said as he acknowledged me. "I was just starting on lunch for us." I saw what looked like an assembly line of food on the counter in front of him.

"Aw, you didn't have to do that," I cooed as I walked over, stood behind him and wrapped my arms firmly around his waist. The contact was instant gratification.

"It's just a turkey sandwich, Kendall…" he stated, laughing lightly at my overt sentimental enthusiasm. But it didn't matter, because everything Logan did—every gesture, every look—he did with such compassion and love. How could anyone not be under his spell?

"No, it's a _Logan-Mitchell-turkey_ sandwich," I declared. Then I took in his wonderfully unique scent and gave him a soft kiss on his neck, while watching him assemble our lunch. As he continued to pile the sandwiches, I continued to kiss his neck.

"Someone had a good day today," Logan observed.

A kiss on his neck.

"No, just excited to see you."

Another kiss on his neck.

"Oh yeah? Well I didn't get a proper hello…"

He stopped what he was doing and spun around. He looked up at me beneath his lashes, giving me that mixed look of innocence and seduction that only he did so well. I grazed my lips against his, and seeing that he had closed his eyes, I smiled lightly. I pressed my lips a little firmer on his; his lips were soft and his bottom lip was especially plump. I felt myself thinking less in that moment and just going through the motions. I could feel myself instinctively sliding against his body, as if my body had turn into jelly and Logan was my sole support. Our kiss felt suspended; once again as if time didn't exist in our own universe. The kiss was gentle, slow and intimate. I felt Logan's tongue delicately lick my lips and brush my tongue. I could feel my body react to the warmth he radiated, and I worried that someone would walk in on us like so many times before, so I acted like the responsible one for once and pulled back. I didn't know I was capable of pulling away from Logan in a passionate moment such as that, but somehow I did. Logan's eyelids slowly opened; maybe he was just as surprised by my sudden self-control as I was. I felt slightly bad for pulling back so quickly so I leaned in once more for a single kiss.

"How's that for a hello?" I teased.

"Much better." Logan mumbled against my neck. I gulped.

"Shall we eat?" I asked, trying to compose myself when what I actually wanted was to make love to him on the spot.

"Yeah, I'm starved." Perhaps he decided to behave as well.

We sat our plates down at the table across from each other and I instantly bit into my sandwich in one giant bite. Logan took a noticeably smaller bite; ever the gentleman, of course.

"How did your solos go today?" Logan asked.

"Um, they were good. Luckily Gustavo didn't make me do too many takes this time," I mumbled while trying to simultaneously chew my food. "Poor Carlos had to stay behind a little longer to finish up his solos though. The song arrangements were what took so long," I whined.

"Poor guy."

"Yeah, right? I'm supposed to meet him at the gym later when he finishes though. Wanna come with?"

"Ehh… I'm not sure I want to brave the cold tonight, if that's okay with you. Besides, James and I already went to the gym earlier."

"Where _is _James anyway?" I finally noticed. I felt a surge of guilt because lately I was constantly spending time with Logan, which meant I had been neglecting my other two best friends. I made a mental note to fix that. It was a very conflicting thing. On the one hand, I really cared about James and Carlos, but on the other hand, it seemed I was never satisfied with my time with Logan, no matter how much time we spent together. The whole situation felt like a double-edged sword.

"You know, I'm not entirely sure where James is... He left earlier in some ridiculous GQ-looking getup." I probably walked right by James earlier in the lobby and didn't even realize it. Not surprisingly, he probably got lost in the swarm of bimbo fashionistas and self-absorbed metrosexuals. I laughed at the thought. "What's so funny?" Logan asked.

"Oh, nothing. So what did _you_ do today?" I asked, taking another chunk out of my sandwich, then a big swig out of my Dr. Pepper.

"Hm, well I cleaned our room… Uhh, I _attempted_ to finish writing that song I started last week, and oh! You know that doctor's program I told you about?"

"Yeah, that uh, Future Doctors of America internship?"

"Yeah, that's the one! Well, I finally submitted the application after all this time."

Logan had wanted to enter the program for what seemed like years; he just always let his fear prevent him from even filling out the application. I never really considered what would happen though, if he actually got accepted, what it would do to our band. I guess if I was being completely honest, thinking about Logan going off to do the program was difficult to imagine, mainly because I didn't think the boy would ever get past filling out more than his name on the application. And the thought of a band without Logan was more than I could take. But more than anything, I wanted him happy. Whatever he wanted to do, I would support him 100% and we would try to find a way to make it work, that much I knew.

"That's great, babe! So when does that start?" I feigned excitement and support, when in truth my heart skipped a beat at the possibility of him leaving.

"Well from what I've heard, it's usually at least a two-month waiting period before they'll let me know if I got accepted or not."

"Well c'mon… You're like the smartest guy I know. You'll get in," I stated confidently.

"Don't hold your breath. 'Cause I know I'm not," he stated flatly, sounding much too self-deprecating. Typical Logan, but totally the Logan I knew and adored. Still, I always hated to hear or see him in such defeat; it always broke my heart. I put my sandwich down, dusted the bread crumbs clinging onto my fingers off and walked over to his side of the table. I turned his chair while he was still seated and I kneeled down so I was at his level. Logan looked at me quizzically and carefully. I placed my hands on his knees to comfort him.

"Logan…" I started slowly, "You really have no idea how incredible you are."

"_Really_?" He asked.

"See, there you go again!" I pointed out. "You need to give yourself more credit. If only you could see yourself how the world sees you, how _I_ see you… You have so much to offer." He just scoffed quietly, and looked down, as if he should have been ashamed about something. The guy clearly didn't comprehend what magnificent person he was. But then he looked back at me, and spoke evenly.

"When you say things like that, you know… about how 'perfect' I am…"

"You are," I interrupted bluntly; this just made him smile before continuing.

"But when you say things like that, it just reminds me how perfect _you_ are, and how lucky I am to have someone who loves me unconditionally as you do. I mean, seriously, if everyone in the world had someone that loved them a fraction of the way you love me, well then we'd be living in one damn perfect world." I smiled, knowing this was his way of learning to take a compliment. Logan was too selfless to ever boast about himself; he always had to make it about someone else's kindness before acknowledging his own. It just made me love the boy that much more. I moved my hands from his knees, and took his hands into my own and looked him dead in the eyes.

"I love you. _So_ much… you know that, right?"

"Of course I do. You tell me every day." He stated modestly.

I chuckled lightly, before asking, "Does it make you uncomfortable?"

"No." Logan said decisively. Then he looked into my eyes and asked, "Promise me one thing?"

"Anything." I said without hesitation.

"Promise me you'll never stop loving me."

I looked him square in the eyes, with those rich, warm, brown eyes looking back. "I'll never stop loving you."

His brown eyes immediately became watery and glassy, looking as though someone just gave him the biggest compliment. But everything I said was sincere. I never loved anyone as much as I loved Logan. And maybe it was just the young, love-struck part of me, but I also couldn't imagine loving anyone else; Logan was all I ever wanted.

"I love you, Kendall Knight," he declared, as he cupped my face and pressed his soft lips against mine. I felt my heart inflate. "Stay with me?" He pleaded.

"I promise. I'll never leave you." I blurted out again, fearing that maybe I hadn't convince him enough. Logan simply chuckled. Clearly I was missing something.

"I think you've made that clear," he spoke as he gave me a peck on my cheek. "I meant stay inside with me today. We can snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie." The image of us cuddling on the couch under a warm blanket filled my mind. However, the picturesque image was quickly replaced by my guilt and I stood back up on my feet.

"Aw, babe, I already promised Carlos I would go to the gym with him. He's probably going to text me at any second."

Logan rose from the chair and wrapped his arms around my neck and said, "No, I totally understand. I'll just have to sit here all by my lonesome self and figure out how to keep myself warm, I guess…" The boy was definitely not playing fair. He was trying to seduce and guilt me into staying with him. If only he knew the full effect he had on me; how easily swayed I was around him.

"Mm, don't do that…" I playfully warned. He gently bumped and rested his forehead against mine.

"Do what?" He asked in a coy voice, while looking up from beneath his lashes.

"_That_. You know what you're doing…" He ignored me and began to gently run his lips against the contour of my neck. Then I felt him part his lips and his tongue darted out licking my neck. Shit! He really knew just how to make me buckle. He brought his mouth to mine and gave it the same treatment he gave my neck. I inhale that ridiculously tantalizing scent of his; I knew I might as well throw in the towel at that point.

"Fine…" I groaned. "I'll stay in with you." I may have sounded unenthusiastic but the truth was my heart was beating from excitement. Now all I had to do when explain to Carlos why I was blowing him off for Logan for the third time this week. _Definitely_ a double-edged sword.

"Great! I'll go get us a blanket!" Logan shouted as he quickly disappeared into our bedroom.

I texted Carlos and told him I was sorry, but didn't want to go out in the cold. I immediately hated myself for lying, and even more so for coming up with such a generic lie that he would no doubt be able to see past. I made another mental note to make it up to him, as well as James. But the guilt I was feeling a mere second ago quickly vanished, because when I looked up from my phone, Logan was returning to the living room with the blanket he promised, as well as sporting the cutest smile. No living soul could resist him. It was he, and he alone, that gave me purpose and fulfillment; he was my rock. Maybe I was weak, maybe my feelings for him blinded me, I was entirely sure, but all I could think of was how much I loved him. I made a promise to him, a rather easy promise in my eyes. It required no thought, no extra effort, because loving Logan was as natural as breathing. If there was one thing I was absolutely certain about, one thing that I could bet everything I had on, it was that I would never stop loving Logan.


	4. Memories

**A/N: So as promised, I've been updating this story every weekend, and I'm on track to continue to do just that. I already have the next few chapters done but I still want to go back and polish them and still do the weekly updates (I am even start updating twice a week since I'm further along than I had thought I would be). I said at the beginning, this story would last about 6-7 chapters, and that was honestly the intent. But I've fallen in love with these characters and I keep getting more ideas with how I want to get them to the end of their story. The ending will stay the SAME though; that has not changed. It's just about how things will unfold and how I'll get them there! Thank you everyone for reading and reviewing, and adding it as a Favorite! Enjoy, and please review!**

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><p>I plopped myself onto the couch, finally feeling the physical and mental drain of the long day sink in. A loud sigh escaped from deep in my chest. Logan seated himself as close to me as possible, which somehow still didn't feel close enough. I wrapped my arm around his torso and squeezed him against my body as he threw a fleece blanket over the both of us. I kissed the top of his head.<p>

"What are we watching?" I asked as Logan thumbed the remote.

"I figured we could watch Anchorman. Is that okay with you?" It was movie that Logan and I both considered as one of our favorites.

"When in Rome…" I mocked.

"Ha, ha… funny guy."

The movie began to play but Logan shot up from the couch and went to turn off all the lights. It was insane how much it affected me when he left my side. I felt like a part of me was ripped and detached from the rest of me. I was beginning to realize that I was addicted to Logan, but I quickly brushed the thought away.

Logan used the light emanating from the TV to guide his way back to the couch after all the lights had been turned off. I noticed the sky had darkened, even though it was only a little after mid-afternoon. I guess the sun must have decided to stay in today like us. I brought my arms around him again, and he snuggled against my body. He felt so warm, so soft; his scent intoxicating me.

I nuzzled my cheek against the crown of his head, while he slipped his hand under the front of my shirt and ran his fingers back and forth on my abs. I heard Logan humming, but with the volume of the movie turned up and the fact he was humming so quietly, I couldn't make out the song. I tuned out of the movie, after all I had seen it close to a dozen times, and placed my attention on Logan's humming. Then I recognized the chorus, as he switched from humming the song to actually singing the words.

"'_Cause the world stops when I put my arms around you, around you, whoa oh ohh… And nothing even matters, eh… nothing even matters…_"

I smiled at the words, because they perfectly depicted my feelings towards Logan, and they brought back a familiar and very _fond_ memory attached to that song.

"_They can all talk, say what they want about us, about us… whoa oh ohh… And nothing even matters, eh… nothing even matters…_" He continued singing for no one in particular.

My mind and my heart responded in such an emotional way. But it was my body's physical response that was on visually display, because I could feel myself stiffening down south. Logan must have caught the tenting action, because he briefly stopped raking his fingers over my torso. Instead, he brought his hand down to my crotch and used his fingers to trace the outline of my erection. I swallowed hard. He unzipped my pants and pulled them, along with my underwear, down past my waist. My member sprang up, just inches away from his face. He looked up at me for a moment tenderly, but then looked back at my hard on. He didn't open his mouth to speak. Instead, he opened his mouth and lowered it on member. Logan threw the blanket over his head, so I wouldn't be able to see what he was doing. This frustrated me a little at first, but the fact that my visualization was sidelined forced me to rely on my other senses. Naturally, this came quite easily, as the sensations were mind-numbing. I could feel the slickness of Logan's mouth slide up and down my pole. And the warmth of his mouth made it all the more gratifying, as well as the slurping noises he was creating. Now I understood. He intentionally covered his head with the blanket—he knew just how to turn me on. My eyelids lowered and then completely closed as I let out an audible sigh. I placed my hand over where the back of his head was hiding under the blanket, and I gently pushed him further down, guiding him. Not that Logan needed any help in that department; he was clearly a pro at this point—my throbbing meat was proof of it. My mind was racing in a blindingly fast bliss. I thought of how far Logan and I came since the beginning of our romance; how my sweet virginal best friend somehow became this incredibly sexy and passionate lover. My eyes remained tightly shut, absorbing in the pleasure as I replayed in my mind the first time Logan and I made love…

_I walked into our bedroom, knowing Logan had to be in there, since he was nowhere else to be found. I was right. He was sitting on the floor with his back propped up against the side of his bed with ear buds in. I could hear the muffled sounds of music emanating from them. I observed how attractive he was, sitting there reading something he was holding in his hands. I had to remind myself not to look at him for too long. It was difficult at times, because he was so hauntingly handsome, but I didn't want to make my affection for him so painfully obvious. _

"_Hey, Kendall. I didn't hear you come in. Have you been standing there long?" _

"_No!" I practically yelled out. I immediately felt my face turn red. Could I make it any more obvious, I thought. "I mean, ahem, no. I just walked in," I attempted again, this time more casually. But I think my odd behavior already alarmed him, because he raised an eyebrow and studied me. I quickly changed the subject. "What are you reading there?" I tilted my head to see what was written on the single white piece of paper he was studying and immediately recognized that it was a lyric sheet. _

"_Oh, this? Just trying to go over the lyrics," he confirmed. _

"_Yeah? Which song?" I asked, before I sat down beside him. I felt more at ease now that the subject was no longer about me. _

"Nothing Even Matters_." _

"_Ahh. I love the lyrics. It's my favorite of ours so far." _

"_Yeah, you know what? I really like them too. I mean, I never really paid attention to the words until now, but they're pretty cool." _

"_When we're together, baby, anything goes."_

"_Huh?" Logan exclaimed, clearly shocked and confused._

"_Oh, um, the lyrics. 'When we're together, baby, anything goes.' See, that line there," I clarified._

"_Oh, uh, right…" I noticed his cheeks reddening. I was smiling on the inside._

"_Do you wanna practice together?"_

"_You mean the song, right?" He asked skeptically._

"_Right," I chuckled. I wondered what other scenarios he was considering when I mentioned 'practice'. I swallowed hard. I didn't allow myself to think about it for too long._

"_Yeah, sure."_

_I scooted closer to him instinctively, causing our hands to graze each other. We both let out small gasps, so small that I don't think either one of us was sure it happened. Both of us looked up at one another; the silence is the room was deafening. Logan finally broke the silence._

"_There ain't nothing they can do that can tear us apart," he stated. _

"_I agree," I spat out._

_Logan smiled and clarified, "The lyrics, Kendall. 'There ain't nothing they can do that can tear us apart'." Now I was the one blushing._

"_Oh… Right, of course." I mumbled. Logan cleared his throat softly._

"_It's like one for the haters and two for all of those, who try to shut us down…" He recited._

"_They don't really know. There ain't nothing they can do to keep us apart, no." I followed._

"_I don't care about the money, don't care about the clothes. When we're together, baby, anything goes."_

"_And we don't even need to prove what we feel in our hearts, no." _

_I think by then neither one of us was sure if we were just reciting the lyrics or confessing our love for the other. I knew I belonged in the latter. In that moment, every cell in my body felt like it was fire. I knew Logan so well, but it wasn't enough. I wanted to connect with Logan in a way that we had never connected before. I wanted and _needed_ that physical contact with him. The problem was I wasn't sure if he wanted the same. _

_I finally realized we had been staring into each other's eyes, and perhaps a bit longer than necessary. I wondered what he was thinking, because like me, he wasn't saying anything. More deafening silence. I could hear his shaky breathing and rapid heartbeat. Or was that perhaps me? I quickly glanced down at his lips; they were pink and looked soft, inviting even—I wanted to taste him so badly. My mind told me to resist, but every physical part of me told me otherwise. I caved in._

_I leaned forward—slowly, tentatively. Logan looked anxious, nervous. For a moment I considered pulling away, I didn't want to frighten him. But then I saw him closing his eyes like he was praying, wishing for me to kiss him. If only he knew I was wishing for the same. So I closed my eyes as well, and continued to move forward until I felt him. _

_Our lips barely touched. It was so light that I'd hardly consider it a real kiss, just mere contact. Even if we didn't actually kiss, the truth was we were much too close—too close for just friends—closer to each other than we had ever experience before. There was no getting around it; either we did have our first kiss, or we both had mutually _wanted_ to have our first kiss. I figured to hell with it at that point. I tried to muster enough courage to go in for a real kiss this time, but before I could, I guess Logan must have found his courage first because I felt his soft lips press against mine. Instantly, my heart fluttered. All those nights picturing myself holding and kissing Logan was turning into reality. I never imagined it would be possible. _

_I kissed back, but with my mouth closed still. But I felt Logan's lips part lightly, so I returned the gesture. Soon we were kissing with our mouths opened. Then without realizing it, I slipped my tongue into Logan's mouth. I felt his body shudder a bit and I worried that I was moving too fast and that I would scare him off. He didn't stop kissing me though. Instead, he slipped his tongue in my mouth as well, and then we were making out full on. Our breathing felt hurried and our kisses more animalistic. I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him in, even though we were literally sucking faces. I craved him. I yearned for him. And now I had him. Then he stopped. _

_My eyes slowly opened, and I felt a warm hand on mine. He held his hand and the contact caused my heart to thump. He arose from floor, while still holding my hand, so I picked myself to stand across from him. He guided us to my bed and sat down on the mattress; I copied him. He looked at me momentarily. I couldn't read his face though; I couldn't tell what he was thinking. But then he placed his hands at the top button of my shirt. I gulped. He unbuttoned my shirt slowly, methodically with such patience. Patience that I did not possess in that fervent moment, it seemed. When he got to the last button, he removed the shirt and I shuddered when he touched my bare flesh, partially from delight, partially from nerves. Feeling a bit self-conscious about being the only shirtless one in the room, I pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor. We both paused briefly, trying to catching our breaths. I noticed both our chests expanding and contracting in unison. Then his hands flew down to my fly and unzipped it in one swift movement. He undressed what was left of me, leaving me sitting there naked and exposed. This was when I realized I was fully hard. I heard a loud throaty swallow from Logan as he stared at my member. I looked at Logan and noticed a bulge from beneath his pants as well. I undressed him as he undressed me._ _He looked like a Grecian painting. His whole body was smooth and creamy, the complete opposite of the overrated sun baked complexions in Hollywood. _

_Logan's hand reached out and wrapped itself around my pulsating shaft. He seemed unsure of himself, like he didn't know how to proceed. But then he began stroking his hand up and down my entire length slowly, so slowly that the burn intensified. Naturally, I let out a moan. _

"_Stop!" I exclaimed._

"_Am I hurting you?" He gasped._

"_No, not at all. It feels… great. Really. But if you keep on doing that, I'll definitely explode." I admitted._

"_Oh," was all Logan could produce other than a blush that was now forming at his cheeks. _

"_Maybe we should lie down?" I suggested. Logan scooted himself to the top of the bed, until his head was aligned with the pillow and gently lied himself down. I followed and hovered over him until I was directly on top. I threw my old quilted blanket over us, and lowered myself down so I was pressed against him. I worried my weight would hurt him, but he didn't seem to be bothered by it at all. I felt our members touch, and I could feel a small pool of ooze on my crotch. I wasn't sure if the pre-cum was from me, Logan or both of us. I guess it didn't really matter. But then I noticed him trembling beneath me. And suddenly the perfect moment felt terrifying. _


	5. Rekindled

_Logan's trembling startled me. I was afraid that I had somehow hurt him._

"_Are you nervous?" I asked with genuine concern. _

"_No," he lied, but then he fessed up, "Okay, maybe a little."_

"_Should I… Should we stop?" The truth was I wasn't sure I was physically able to stop since we'd gone that far, but it wasn't about me. I was concerned about Logan; I didn't want him to feel pressured into anything he didn't want to do—anything he may regret tomorrow. "We don't have to do this," I assured him. And I meant it, even if it meant having my fantasy taken away from me. I just wanted Logan to feel safe._

"_No, I want to. I just…" I wasn't sure if that was the truth or if Logan was just saying that for my benefit. But then he confessed what was he really bothering him; "It's my first time."_

_I let out a heavy sigh of relief. "Is that what was bothering you? I thought—I thought I was forcing you to… you know…" I didn't want to finish it._

"_No! Oh, God no!" Logan protested. "You didn't do anything wrong, Kendall. It's me. I was just embarrassed at my lack of… experience, I guess is the word." _

"_Don't be," I reassured him. If Logan thought I just desired him to fulfill sexual needs than he was mistaken. "It's my first time too," I proudly confessed. I think this also put Logan at ease. There seemed to be a more relaxed look in his expression. And then the words slipped out of my mouth, "I love you Logan. I always have." Instantly I felt like an ass for saying something so cliché and overly sentimental, but no words could be more true than those. Logan didn't respond and I couldn't read him like I normally would be able to. But the words must have surfaced something inside of Logan because he wrapped his hands at the back of my neck and pulled me forcefully down for a hard kiss. He opened his mouth and pried my mouth open with his tongue; I gladly accepted. I felt his hands slide down my back, and then he grabbed my ass and pulled me closer to him. I felt a surge of electricity from the contact and gesture. This was unlike anything I'd seen from him—he was sexy, vulnerable and passionate all at once. I felt like bursting right then and there. Our kissing weren't so chaste either; they were ravenous, hungry, filled with lust. It was as if every kiss and every touch were filled with thousands of missed opportunities over the years and Logan and I were making up for them. I could feel Logan slowly grinding his body against mine. His satin skin felt amazing. I was reluctant to initiate anything. I didn't want to scare him, but the way Logan was moving under me made it difficult not to reciprocate his movements. _

"_Can I?" I nearly begged. I realized my question was entirely too vague, but I suppose Logan understood anyway, because he moved one hand down to my firm member and lined it at his entrance. I nearly had a heart attack when I felt my tip greet his tight opening. "Logan, if I hurt you too much… If the pain is…" I fumbled over my words. _

"_I trust you." Now he was the confident one. I smiled and gave him a small kiss. It would be the last kiss before both of us lost our virginity. _

_When I saw that I was well lubricated by my pre-cum, I entered him slowly with sensations I had never experienced up until then coursing through my whole body. Then there was no more talking—no more words. It didn't matter though, because words would have been useless in that moment. No adjectives could capture how I felt to be inside of the guy I loved. Our bodies had joined. Two as one. I was beyond myself in bliss. I slowly pulled out and then pushed back in, building a rhythm. I looked down at Logan and saw that he was feeling some pain, which made my heartbeat skip. But before I could apologize, his expression changed, and his mouth dropped and he let out what I can only describe as a sexual moan. He was feeling the pleasure I was feeling; nothing could have delighted me more. This allowed me to move a little faster, a little harder. He responded the way I had hoped. His moans were more drawn out and deeper. I gradually quickened my thrusts, which only made him tighten himself by reflex, but it only created wonders for the both of us. I could feel the pleasure in the pit of my stomach, and it was doubling… Every part of me was tingling as if every nerve was suddenly alive in the same moment. I felt the coming eruption, and then I heard my name escape Logan's soft lips._

"_Kendall…" He whimpered. That was it. That sent me over the edge and I exploded all my desires, all my fantasies, all my lust, all my love, all my hopes, all my dreams, all my being into him. Every delightful moment I had experienced in life up until that moment could not compare to the sensation I was feeling then. I let out a loud guttural groan and collapsed on top of him when I could no longer find the strength to support myself. My breathing was erratic and so was his. I nuzzled against his face and we lied there trying to find our breaths. The bright moon was shining in through our one window, almost like a spotlight on Logan. His skin was bathed in the moonlight and he looked nothing short of magnificent. I could now admire his perfection at a much closer and more intimate distance that I was not able to before. His beauty was even more striking and haunting up close. His eyes were kind and warm, but that I already knew. His skin looked as soft as it felt, and his lips were pink and perfectly shaped. I wanted to taste them again. I leaned in and planted a light kiss. _

_I stroked Logan's face as he hummed a melodic tune. I wasn't sure what song he was humming; it didn't sound familiar to me at all. Then he began adding words to his hum. The words I instantly recognized. They were the lyrics to "Nothing Even Matters". _

"_I like it," I declared about the improvised tune._

"_Me too. I'll have to remember and share it with James and Carlos tomorrow."_

"_How did you come up with it?"_

"_I don't really know. It just kind of came out. I guess you inspire me." We smiled at each other._

_The more I thought about the lyrics, I realized how they perfectly depicted my feelings for Logan. Nothing truly mattered when I was with him. It wasn't logical, it was emotional. So much so that I didn't even take precaution to make sure no one heard or saw us in bed together. I snapped back to reality and worried that Carlos or James might walking in at any moment looking for me, like how I was looking for Logan moments earlier. _

"_We should probably go see what everyone's up to," I suggested. _

"_Yeah that's probably a good idea." Logan was the first to get up and start putting his clothes back on. His back side was very appealing, to say the least. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sexually attracted to Logan, but it wasn't just about lust. I also loved Logan. I loved him more than I could put into words. It was easy to justify that love because he was my best friend. But so were James and Carlos. There was an indisputable affection that I had for Logan that I didn't have for James or Carlos. I immediately felt sad when he was no longer in my bed. I wanted to rekindle what we felt just moments before already. I felt incomplete, hollow. I couldn't figure out why it affected me so much, but I had a tiny feeling that I had an addiction to Logan…_

The images of our first night making love swam in my restless mind, as I felt Logan's tongue running its tip up and down my shaft. The slow climb to my orgasm had tripled in a matter of seconds and I could feel myself erupt from below. Logan must have placed his mouth back on the head because I could feel it being engulfed by warmth. I heard the slurping noises that were summoning from below as he licked my member clean. Then Logan popped up from the blanket.

"How was that?"

"Just like the first time," I replied coolly. He looked puzzled by my choice of words, but still came up for a kiss on the lips. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Let's go in the room. I don't want your mom or Katie to see us having sex." He took me by the hand and led the way before stopping to tease, "Besides, it's your turn to suck me off."

The next morning I made sure to wake up early, which was rare for me. Unless I was required to be somewhere, I always slept in. But today I wanted to catch Carlos before he left the apartment. He was always the first to wake, most likely because he was constantly restless and had more energy than a 10 year-old hopped up on a bagful of Pixie Stix. Nonetheless, I made a promise to spend more time with my two other best friends starting with Carlos. I was still feeling the guilt of ditching him last night. I quickly brushed my teeth, washed my face and threw some clothes on. I dashed out of the room but made sure to quietly close the bedroom door as to not wake Logan.

Mom, who was dressed in an oversized robe and fuzzy pink slippers, was sluggishly making her way over to the coffee maker, yawning along the way.

"Mom!" I yelled a bit too loud for how early it was. I reduced my volume to a near whisper, "Sorry, but did you see Carlos this morning?"

"Yeah, honey. He left a few minutes ago for the basketball court."

"'K, perfect! Thanks, mom!"

"Wait! Don't you want any breakfast, sweetie?" I eyed a bagel and took a bite. She rolled her eyes but gave me a smile nonetheless, before I dashed in and kissed her cheek.

"Bye, mom!" I mumbled through the tough bagel.

I zipped through the hallway and eventually made it to the lobby, where I chucked the unfinished dry bagel in a nearby trashcan. The lobby was mostly vacant, with only a couple of residents sitting at a table tucked in the corner reading over what looked like a script. Bitters was perched behind the counter where I had expected him to be. He looked tired and unamused; basically he looked like his usual self. I ran past everyone without so much as greeting anyone, and pushed through the front doors. The air was cool, maybe partially because of the early hour, but definitely from the fall temperature. But even with it being fall, the sun still decided to shine through anyway. I wondered if the morning usually felt beautiful. I wouldn't know, as I hardly ever woke up this early to notice. And the times I was up at this hour, I would just immediately crawl into the back of a town car to be taken to Rocque Records. I never really got to stop and appreciate the small moments anymore. I instantly thought about James and Carlos, and this only made the guilt inside grow.

When I neared the basketball court, I spotted Carlos tossing the ball perfectly into the hoop. By the time I made it onto the court he had already dunked the ball four times, and making it into the hoop every time. _Swish_. Another perfect shot.

"Nice," I called out. He turned in my direction, but turned his attention back to what he was doing when he realized he wasn't satisfied with seeing me. It stung a little. "What, no 'hello'? No 'Good morning, Kendall'?" He continued his silent treatment. "Can I at least play?" Nothing. "C'mon, Carlos. You gotta give me something here, man." _Swish_. He was putting all his focus into making those shots. I don't remember him ever being that good. He obviously had been practicing. I wondered if my neglecting him had any influence on his game. Another hit of guilt coursed through me. "Alright, I'm sorry. Is that what you want me to say, Carlos? Because I really, really am sorry." He paused. Finally, a reaction. He turned and looked at me, but with such a betrayed look that was so startling on the usually happy Carlos.

"You ditched me, Kendall. _Again_. Without any warning." He aimed and shot the ball. _Swish_. "Can't say I'm surprised though," he mumbled the last part. I retrieved the ball and walked to him so we were face to face. I had to force a conversation out of him.

"I know. You're absolutely right. I've been a bad friend to you," I admitted.

"And James," he added.

"Right. And James. But I promise I'll try to balance my time with you guys and my time with Logan better from now on. Starting now, in fact." He eyed me suspiciously. "So how 'bout it? A game of one-on-one with your jerk-of-a-friend?" Finally a Carlos smile emerged.

"Fine. But doesn't mean that I completely forgive you for ditching me."

"That's fair." I had to earn my trust with my friends again. At least it was a start. We played for over an hour with Carlos kicking my ass every time. We joked and laughed as we walked off the court. It was nice to know I could keep my friendship with Carlos strong and still have Logan; I had successfully rekindled my relationship with Carlos. Now I had to make it up to James, who would prove it more difficult since he was ten times more stubborn than Carlos. Lucky me.


	6. Two Of A Kind

**A/N: I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, and ironically this is the only chapter so far where Logan is not present. I think what made this chapter so much fun to write was mostly because of James. His narcissism and self absorption made for a fun character to write, and it somehow lightened the seriousness of the previous chapters a bit. This is probably for the best, because things will be shaken up for Kendall and Logan in the next few chapters. Anyhow, enjoy and please review!**

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><p>I scanned the lobby looking for James, but didn't see him. Perhaps he was by the pool. The pool lounge was bustling with people at this point. No one was actually swimming in the frigid water of course, but people were meandering around outside nonetheless. I searched the area; still no James. But then I spotted Camille heading back into the lobby so I stopped her.<p>

"Camille!" I shouted, realizing the whole courtyard heard.

"Oh hey, Kendall." She seemed to be taken off guard. Logan and Camille had briefly dated. It was right around the same time I was dating Jo. In retrospect, I don't think Logan saw Camille as anything more than a close friend, but I couldn't say the same for Camille. When we moved into the Palm Woods, Camille made it pretty clear that she liked Logan fairly early on. This never sat well with me for obvious reasons, but I held my tongue. I was devastated when Logan and Camille began dating. I think this also affected my relationship with Jo, and subsequently she decided we should break up when she got a movie deal in New Zealand. With Jo and I broken up, and her moving to a completely different country, I never bothered telling Jo that the reason we didn't work out was that I was secretly in love with my best friend. But with Camille, it was a different story. Because when Logan and I announced to our friends and families that we were together, Camille shut us out a bit. I don't blame her though. It was probably the hardest for her to accept. She really did like Logan, and to find out that your boyfriend wants to trade you in for someone else, and for a guy no less, couldn't possibly be an easy pill to swallow, let alone boost your self-esteem. We felt it was best to just give Camille some space, but it was difficult when we all lived in the same building.

"Hey, sorry to bother you, but have you seen James?"

"Yeah, he was out here earlier, but he said he was going to the gym."

"Ok, perfect! Thanks so much, Camille!" I was just about to sprint to the gym, but then I stopped. "How have you been though?" I asked with sincerity.

"I'm fine," she stated nonchalantly. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"That's good… Hey, listen I really need to talk to James, but we should hang out sometimes. You know, get the old gang together" I meant it. It would be nice to ease out all awkward tension among our friends.

"Yeah, definitely." I wasn't sure if she was just saying that for my benefit, but I didn't have the time to worry then, so I politely excused myself and headed to the gym room in search of James.

James was seated on a bench doing bicep curls. I spotted him only because he had a weird habit of wearing a purple paisley bandana every time he worked out. Maybe it was a superstitious thing; maybe it was a fashion statement. Either way, it was definitely one of his many eccentric qualities. I pulled up a bench and moved it next to him.

"Hey, man." He remained silent much like Carlos had. He only grunted every time he lifted the dumbbell and mouthed the number of reps he had done. "So what, you're not going to talk to me either." Still no response. "Those weights sure look light if you ask me," I joked. I knew the best way to get James to talk was to infuriate him.

"Can't you _read_, Kendall?" He said like a smartass, while pointing to a sign on the wall that read NO LOITERING.

"I'm not loitering. I'm… I'm working out. See?" I grabbed the lightest weight they had and mimicked bicep curls.

"What do you want, Kendall? You're distracting me! Do you realize that Tuesdays are the days I focus on my upper body?" It was hard to take him seriously. The sad part was James was being serious.

"I'm sorry…?" It came out like a question. "Look, I just want to apologize for not spending much time with you and Carlos lately."

"Well apology not accepted," he said flatly.

"James, c'mon. Give me a break."

"No, dude!" He dramatically dropped the dumbbell and escaped to the treadmills. I followed him and took the treadmill next to his. I set mine to a slow walk, while James set his to almost a full on sprint. He continued like I was invisible.

"I thought Tuesdays were upper body days," I provoked.

"Cardio doesn't count!" He countered. I threw my hands up in the air in mock surrender.

"Ok, ok… I'm sorry." Yeah, definitely more stubborn than Carlos. Then I had an idea. "Hey, so I need help picking something out at the store."

"Yeah? Why don't you ask Logan?" Another smartass comment. I was beginning to prefer the silent treatment. I tried to pretend like I was too stupid to detect the sarcasm.

"Oh, well you see it's something for _him_."

"I'm busy."

"But I didn't say when."

"For you, Kendall, I'm _always_ busy," he said, while flashing me a patronizing smile. I ignored him.

"Well we could go after this?"

"No," he said point blank.

"Are you sure? I was thinking of going to Rodeo Drive…" I baited. I noticed he slowed down a bit from his sprint. I got his attention.

"Well, I was thinking of going there after this anyway..." He was taking the bait. "No, you can go on your own." Damn. I thought I had him. He began sprinting again.

"Well, I figured you would be the best person for this type of thing, but I suppose I _could_ ask Carlos instead…" He pounded the stop button on his treadmill.

"WHAT? _Carlos_? You'd take Carlos over _me_? Carlos has TERRIBLE taste!" The bait worked. I knew playing into his ego was fail proof.

"So you'll go?"

"_Yeah_, I'll go. And you can thank me for saving you from a bad decision!" I chuckled. Classic James.

We walked into a small fine jewelry boutique on Rodeo Drive. I had noticed it in passing one day coming back from the studio and thought I should check it out. It wasn't very often that I came to Rodeo Drive or shopped for that matter. I was the complete opposite of James in that regard. James probably frequented Rodeo Drive weekly. I wouldn't be surprised if they knew him by name.

"James!" A young redheaded sales woman yelled out. Of course.

"Stacy!" James shouted back, opening his arms for an embrace.

"Stacy, this is my friend Kendall."

"Hi, how do you do?" The attractive redhead greeted.

"I'm good, thanks!" I answered.

"So what brings you in today, James?" Redhead Stacy asked, but perhaps a little more flirtatious than required for a sales girl.

"Oh, just wanted to see my favorite girl," he teased, stroking her chin lightly.

"Oh stop, James…" Redhead Stacy giggled, batting her lashes. I was nauseated watching them. Maybe this is how my family and friends felt when Logan and I were with each other. I guess I couldn't blame them. The thought of Logan though made me miss him. I wondered what he was doing in that moment. I had to speed things along if I ever wanted to see him today on our day off.

"Ahem!" I cleared my throat loudly and not too subtly. James got the hint.

"Oh, well other than stopping by to see my favorite girl," he lied, emphasizing the 'favorite' bit, "we're actually here to help Kendall here pick out a ring."

"Oh, great! Are we proposing to a lucky lady, Kendall?" Redhead Stacy winked and said with a little too much enthusiasm.

"Not exactly. I'm looking for a promise ring for my boyfriend," I stated flatly. I was slightly surprised that I said "boyfriend" so casually, but I didn't really care. I would love Logan unconditionally, regardless of what anyone else thought.

"Oh," was all Redhead Stacy could say. I wasn't sure if she was embarrassed by her mistake or unsure of her ability to help pick out a gift for a male. But then her overly bubbly personality kicked back in. "We can definitely do that! Let's come back here and take a look at our men's selection, shall we?"

The "men's selection" was modest with only two glass cases of shiny eye-glaring assortment of rings, watches, cufflinks and necklaces. Some were distinguished and some were gaudy as sin. I wondered how many of them James owned.

"Do you see anything you think your boyfriend may like, Kendall?" Redhead Stacy chirped.

"Uh, I'm not sure…" And that was the truth. I didn't know what I was looking for, that was the point of bringing James. I looked at him in desperation; he caught on.

"Stacy, I was thinking maybe perhaps a—" He began, before he was cut off mid-sentence.

"James?" A petite blonde sales girl peered over a counter. We all looked in the direction of the voice.

"Andrea!" James boomed. Oh geez, what now?

"James! I thought that was you!" The pretty blonde practically sang.

"How's my favorite girl?" I noticed Redhead Stacy flinched when he used that line on the blonde. Clearly he had built relationships with these Stacy and Andrea chicks, probably both professionally _and_ personally. God knows who else he has charmed around these parts of town.

"Oh, James… I'm good. _Really_ good…" she said much too suggestively, while wrapping her hands around his biceps. "How are _you_?"

"I'm very well, thank you." He winked. I was starting to feel like this was the James Show and I was playing sidekick even though we were here for me. I cleared my throat loudly again.

"Ahem!"

"Oh! Andrea, this is Kendall. We're here shopping for him and our friend, Logan."

"Oh, isn't that just so sweet?" Blonde Andrea asked to no one in particular, only to answer herself. "That is SO sweet, Jimmy." Jimmy? That was certainly a first. A pet name of his, I'm sure. "Well, if you need help with ANYTHING, James…" Then Redhead Stacy jumped in, who was looking annoyed probably by the idea of Blonde Andrea either trying to take her sale or her crush—maybe both.

"Thanks, Andrea, but _I'll_ be helping James today." Redhead Stacy declared with extra cattiness.

"Well if Stacy doesn't live up to your… _satisfaction_, then you know where to find me, James…" the blonde remarked before finally leaving to attend someone else. I rolled my eyes at the entire scenario that unfolded. I made a mental note to share all this with Logan at some point. He'd certainly find it amusing.

"I apologize for Andrea's… shall we say, pigheadedness." Redhead Stacy said with a phony smile plastered on her face. "So James, you were saying?" Suddenly the catty redhead perked up again and I noticed she wrapped her hands around James' arms just as Blonde Andrea had. I felt like I was in a brothel. James seemed unfazed by the human tug-of-war for his attention. He just simply resumed describing to Redhead Stacy what we were looking for. Well, what _he_ was looking for. I was still clueless.

"I was thinking maybe something with tungsten or even carbon fiber…" James went on. His voice began to trail off as I walked to the other side of the glass case. I didn't understand fine jewelry terminology, so there was no point in trying to keep up. Redhead Stacy was enraptured by James as he continued to speak. I don't think she even realized I had left, you know, the guy that would actually be _paying_ for the rings.

And then I saw a matching pair of rings, with one lied strategically over its identical twin. I immediately knew those were the ones. They were simple, but elegant. Classic. Timeless. It was the best physical embodiment of our relationship in a pair of rings. Like how I occasionally felt about Logan and me, they were two of a kind. I didn't even bother looking at the rest.

"James," I interrupted. "Take a look at these." James and Redhead Stacy came around and looked at the rings.

"Those are sharp," he praised.

"Mm-hm,"Redhead Stacy agreed. "Very dapper!" I'm glad I got their approval. Not that I cared entirely, because I would've bought those rings even if they didn't approve, but it was still nice to know that I didn't have awful taste after all. "Shall we wrap them up then?"

"Yes. Those are the ones," I affirmed.

After I paid for the most expensive purchase I had made in my young adult life, Redhead Stacy encased the matching rings in small, black leather-bound boxes that were swathed with red velvet on the inside. She placed the boxes it an overly frilly, dainty and tiny bag that would normally be emasculating, but I didn't care because I was too anxious to see Logan's reaction.

"Bye, Stacy! And thanks again for the help, doll." James winked.

"Anytime, James. Call me sometime, alright?" Redhead Stacy hinted.

"What am I chopped liver?" I joked.

"Oh, take care, Kendall! I hope Logan absolutely loves his gift!" She said with perkiness. I wondered for a moment if her energy was as endless as Carlos'.

"Me too! Thanks for the help," I lied, because she didn't actually do anything but boxed the rings. But she poor girl meant well.

James and I exited the boutique only to be greeted with a strong gust of wind. The day was nearing an end; the sun was beginning to fade behind the clouds. The cool morning had turned to a frigid evening, but at least the day had been productive. I repaired the fracture in my friendship with James and Carlos, and even managed to pick up something for Logan that I had wanted to do for some time.

"Thanks again, James."

"For what? You chose the rings, dude."

"Yeah, but I would have been a total fish out of water if you hadn't tagged along, so thank you." I meant it.

"Well, I have to admit, it was nice to finally hang out with you again, even if we were just picking out rings." We both laughed.

"I'm glad. I had fun, too. And I'm sorry that I haven't been around enough. You deserve better than that."

"Carlos, too!" He added. I smiled. It was nice to know that Carlos and James both looked out for one another. Their friendship must have gotten stronger since Logan and I had been less available.

"Right. Carlos, too. I'll definitely make an effort to fix that," I summed up. James opened his mouth to speak, but stopped. He seemed reluctant to forgive me, unlike Carlos who would forgive anyone so easily. But I understood that James showed his softer side in other ways, and certainly discreetly.

"Ok cool, because I think I can speak for all of us when I say we're tired of seeing you and Logan sucking faces."

Yeah… _definitely_ discreetly. I just gave him a smile to acknowledge his forgiveness and that was that. No other words were needed. We walked back home in the cold talking about everything and yet nothing at all; just silly, trite things that didn't matter, but I was content with that—James and I always preferred less serious conversations when we hung out. I thought to myself, _maybe I can have it all with Logan, my family and friends_. Certainly, nothing could interfere with that, right?


	7. Table For Two

James and I finally made it out of the cold and into the warm apartment. I froze when I saw Logan standing in front of us as soon as we entered. I was spellbound. It didn't help that I hadn't seen him all day either.

"Oh, there you guys are," the angel said behind his beautiful smirk. "I was beginning to worry."

"Yeah, I guess we lost track of time," James announced for the both us. I was still too mesmerized by Logan to form any words. I could feel James and Logan both staring at me, waiting for me to do something other than stand and gawk at my boyfriend.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," I finally said.

"No, it's cool. I'm glad you guys spent time together. Actually Carlos and I were playing Bio Hazard Battle Blast 5 anyway."

"You didn't take the gold controller did you?" I shrieked.

"No, of course not!" Logan laughed. "Carlos did," he said flatly. James joined in laughing, but then he must have started feeling like a third wheel so he excused himself.

"Well, I guess I'm going to take a hot shower and warm up. You two… well, I'll talk to you guys later." I guess James knew how badly I missed Logan all day. This was his way of showing his understanding. I really was the luckiest guy; I had it all. James closed his bedroom door, leaving just us in the living room.

"What's in the bag?" Logan questioned. Shit! I forgot to hide the bag.

"Oh, uh… nothing. Just something my mom asked me to pick up for her," I lied. "I'll just put it in her room." I ran into mom and Katie's room and tucked the bag into the closest drawer to me, only to realize it was her panties drawer. I grimaced, then opened the one below it and tucked the small bag behind some folded sweaters. When I came back out, Logan was seated leafing through a magazine. I was finally going to be able to touch him. I took long strides and closed the gap between us. I threw myself down on the open space next to Logan. I let out a long sigh.

"You tired?" Logan asked, closing the magazine and focusing his attention on me.

"A little. I woke up early this morning."

"I know. Imagine my surprise when I woke up to find you had already left," he teased. "I can't even remember the last time you woke up before me, unless you had to be at the studio."

"I'm sorry I didn't leave a note or anything. Did you miss me?" I probed. I purposely leaned in closer to his mouth.

"Very." And then our mouths collided. My eyes closed and I let the bliss wash over me. My tired and cold body felt rejuvenated, like Logan breathed life into me. I could feel our tongues dancing between our mouths. He tasted wonderfully delicious.

Then he pulled his mouth away long enough to ask, "Shall we go to bed?" I raised an eyebrow and the corners of my mouth pulled upward. As if he had to ask, I thought. But then I remembered I had planned a surprise for him.

"No, babe," I couldn't believe I said no to Logan… I denied _sex_… with _Logan_. I think even Logan couldn't believe I was denying sex with him. I quickly clarified things though. "I mean, yes! I want to, of course!"

"Alright, let's go then," he said, eagerly pulling on my arm.

"But later," I added.

"Kendall, I'm confused… Do you want to have sex with me or not?" Was it a trick question?

"Yes. HELL yes…" I declared.

"But…?"

"But I made dinner reservations for us at 7:30."

"Can't we skip it, Kendall? I'll just eat you instead," he teased. My member reacted accordingly.

"You don't know much I would love that, but it's at Manelli's, your favorite place. And I want to tell you something, so please?" I begged. He eyed my suspiciously.

"Well, alright. But you'll have to make it up to me when we get back..."

"Oh, I plan on it," I declared. Then his hands roamed all over my body. But then I looked at the clock and realized we only had 20 minutes before our reservation. Damn. "But… for now, I'll wait here while you change real quickly." He rolled his eyes. Clearly he was hornier than I thought.

"Fine," he said in defeat. "I'll be back."

"Ok, great!"

As soon as he disappeared into our bedroom, I snuck back into my mom's room and grabbed the boxes from the bag, removed the rings and quickly shoved them into my pocket. I guess the boxes were a total waste of time. Then I bolted back into the living and parked myself on the couch, and tried to steady my breathing. I grabbed a random magazine and tried to look casual when Logan emerged from our room.

"You okay? You're acting awfully secretive tonight…" He said, narrowing his eyes.

"I'm fine. Everything's fine," I shrugged. My voice was a few octaves too high. Logan knew I was lying. He held his gaze on me for a few moments longer, but luckily he decided to drop it.

"Alright. Do I look okay?"

"You look fantastic." And he really did. He wore a navy blazer for his henley. He looked handsome but effortless. He never looked overdressed like how James tended to. That's what was so great about Logan. He had very little vanity; this only made him more beautiful in my eyes.

"I guess we should probably get going," he suggested. "Should I call a cab?"

"Nah, that'll take too long. 'Sides, it's only a few blocks away. I figured we could walk."

"Are you sure it's not too cold?"

"Don't worry, I'll keep you warm," I promised, moving to him and wrapping an arm around him. We headed out of the apartment, but not before I grabbed my scarf and wrapped it around Logan's neck. "Gotta keep that pretty neck of yours warm," I winked. Then he surprised me with a kiss.

"I love you," he breathed. My heart swelled.

"I love you, too," I said aloud.

We walked in the brisk fall weather, but instead of it being unbearably cold like it had felt earlier during the walk home with James, this time it felt nice and romantic. We actually were able to enjoy the little moments; the autumn colors, the stillness of the evening, the full moon illuminating all of Hollywood like a grand spotlight. When we made it to Manelli's, the hostess seated us at a small table for two by the window, and we thawed ourselves from the cold. Manelli's was a charming Italian bistro Logan and I had gone to a lot even before we dated. When we started dating, it was the first restaurant I took him out to for a date. So Manelli's always had a special place in my heart.

"We haven't been here in months," Logan said excitedly.

"See? Aren't you glad we came?"

"Yeah, but I'm sure I would've had just as much fun with you in bed," he taunted.

"I'm sure that's true…" I said, gulping quietly.

"I mean, just think of all the positions we would have already been in by now…" he continued.

"Now's not the time for sex talk, Logie," I playfully warned.

"You're right. I'm bad. You'll have to punish me."

I could feeling myself getting firm. "If you keep this behavior up, then I will," I threatened, while reaching for my glass of water.

"I guess you'll just have to pin me down and fuck me senseless then."

I spat out a mouthful of water. Half the restaurant turned in my direction. My face was flushed red. I could hear Logan snickering; the smug asshole. I'd definitely have to make him pay for that one.

"Let's just order before we get too carried away," I suggested. I couldn't believe what a tease he was being. I guess a day without me stirred the sexual frustration in him. Certainly I would help him out with that problem later…

"Yes, sir." He mocked. I gave him a warning glare, but I had to admit, it was sexy to hear him address me as "sir".

"Hi, I'm Becca and I'll be taking care of you gentlemen tonight. Would you like to start off with an appetizer?"

"No, thank you, Becca," Logan said calmly. "I think I know what I want tonight. Sadly, it's not appropriate for the general public."

I spat my water again. Luckily, this time the glass wasn't far from my mouth so I just spat it back in. Our waitress looked at me and then back at Logan, clearly confused and not catching on to the innuendo. I dabbed my mouth dry with my napkin, slightly choking at the same time. I couldn't believe he was playing this game.

"Are you okay?" Our waitress concerned. "Is there anything I can get for you?"

"Just another glass of water, please," I wheezed in between my fits of coughing. I could feel Logan grinning from ear to ear. Yeah, he was definitely going to be punished.

We eventually ordered and ate our dinner. It was nice to be away from Rocque Records, the Palm Woods, and even our apartment. It was nice to have an intimate candlelit dinner with the one person I wanted to be with more than anyone else. During dessert, we played footsies under the table like we were kids again. Logan shared with me how his day went, and told me a few funny things that happened with him and Carlos. I shared with him my morning playing basketball with Carlos and the experience today shopping with James, but deliberately left out the bit about the rings. I patted my jean pockets to confirm they were still there and they were. I cleared my throat.

"So, you know I said—" I began.

"Wait! I'm sorry, Kendall, but can you hold that thought?" He interrupted. "I drank too much water; I have to pee really badly!" He announced bouncing in his seat like a child.

"Um, yeah I guess," I said slightly annoyed that he had to choose that particular moment to excuse himself.

"Ok, cool. Sorry, I'll be right back!" He shouted before dashing to the men's room. I sat there anxiously waiting for him to return, tapping my fork on the tabletop and bouncing my right leg up and down like a jackhammer. Then I had a thought and a smirk pulled at the corner of my mouth.

I zoomed past all the other tables in the restaurant and walked into the men's room. I quickly checked to make sure the room was empty. Logan didn't even notice I was behind him with his head bent down as he washed his hands. When he looked up into the mirror, I noticed he was genuinely startled.

"Kendall!" He gasped. I didn't say anything. The smile on my face said enough.

I flipped him over so he was face to face with me and kissed him hard. He began moaning as he gripped onto my shoulders. I dragged both of our bodies into the nearest stall, and slammed the door shut. I could feel myself stiffening, as well as Logan. Our hard members rubbed against each other through our clothed bodies. I continued to devour Logan's mouth, but Logan turned his face to the side, so I sucked on his neck.

"Not here, Kendall," He whimpered.

"Why not? It'll be hot."

"We should get back to our table," he protested.

"Who cares?" I mumbled, still nipping his neck. "And anyway, I'm getting you back for that little show you put out there earlier."

"Yeah, but not now…" He pleaded. He sounded so innocent. This only made me want him more.

"Oh, so you're all talk huh, Mitchell?" I provoked.

"I'm sorry, okay?" He whined. I began nibbling his earlobe. "Just not here… please…" he moaned. His head may have told him it was a bad idea, but his body was definitely saying something else. I groped him to prove my point.

"I think now's the perfect time." He let out a loud moan, but I quickly placed my finger on his lips to silence him.

"They're going to think we skipped out on the check," he reasoned.

"Don't worry about it. I'll be sure to leave a big tip," I assured. "Now are you ready for _my_ big tip?" And with that, I undid Logan's belt and pants and removed them swiftly, while he started to unbuckle my belt. I aided him with my pants as I grew impatient. I dropped my pants to my ankles, and hoisted my boyfriend up against the wall, swiftly lined myself at his opening and slammed into him. He let out a loud moan—too loud. I had to shut him up with a hard kiss. Our tongues wrestled as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in.

"Oh, fuck yeah, Kendall…" he whimpered. I gripped the top of the stall with my left hand so tightly that I'm sure my knuckles turned white. I held him in place with my other hand, and continued to pump up and down into him. Logan wrapped his legs around my ass, forcing me into him deeper. It was hot, steamy, animalistic sex. All day I had wanted to make love to my boyfriend, and there we were, fucking in a bathroom stall.

"God, Logie… Feels so good…" I mumbled incoherently.

"Keep going! I'm almost there!"

"Me too!" I said as I pumped harder and more vigorously, grunting like a sex-crazed animal. Our moans were entirely too loud for a public place, but we were both lost in nirvana we didn't care. We were practically shouting less than family-friendly words back and forth. I thrust deeply into him a final time before exploding all my pent up frustration that had been building the entire day. My mouth flew open, accompanied by a guttural moan. Logan came almost immediately after seeing me come, spraying all over both our stomachs and even getting some on shirt. When we came down from our high, we met for a long drawn-out kiss. Our skins were sticky from sweat, and we tried to steady our breathing as we quickly got dressed. I felt the small circular objects in my pockets, and immediately realized I had forgotten the purpose of why I brought Logan here tonight. _Oh well_, I thought. _I'll have plenty of time to give it to him tonight_. I smiled to myself at the prospect. I then took off my cum-stained shirt and just wore my jacket, zipped up all the way. Before we left the men's room, I leaned in for another kiss.

"I love you," I proclaimed.

"I love you, too."

When we entered back into the dining area, our waitress and a bus boy were standing there, with a few nearby tables staring at us, all with their mouths wide open. They had obviously heard the noises coming from the men's room. Logan and I both exchanged looks and turned tomato red. I didn't know what to say. Any excuse would be an obvious lie, so I said the only thing I was able to think of in that moment: "Could I get the check, please?" Naturally, we got the hell out of there after we paid our bill and left a hefty tip, of course.

Logan and I laughed so hard as soon as we left Manelli's. At first, we only felt chagrin, but in hindsight it was actually hysterical. And at least now we were able to say we had sex in a restaurant bathroom. Logan and I laughed uncontrollably the entire way home.

"Did you _see_ their reactions?" Logan asked, laughing so hard he was beginning to tear up.

"The best was the old lady, who was in mid-bite of her lasagna!" I burst out.

"Oh, man! I missed it! I was too busy noticing the busboy trying to pick up all the dishes he dropped out of shock!" I laughed so hard I thought I was going to keel over and die. And Logan laughed so hard he let out a snort, which only caused me to laugh harder. Tears were streaming down our faces, and I could barely breathe. I was actually elated the night was cold, because I was burning up inside.

We were still replaying everyone's reaction even when we made it back to the Palm Woods. We were bordering on being obnoxious, based on the looks Bitters and other people were giving us. We were on such a high we weren't fazed by any of it though. We laughed even into the elevator and into the hallway of our floor. I'm sure our neighbors weren't too pleased, but I couldn't remember having such a good time in a long time. I could barely turn my key into the door, because I was still shaking from all the laughing.

"Hurry up!" Logan snorted. I nearly doubled over in laughter again.

"I'm trying! It won't go in!" I complained, but still chuckling. Logan found this funny for some reason. It seemed like everything was funny tonight, as if we inhaled laughing gas. I finally turned the key successfully and pushed the door open. Then Logan and I froze. The laughing ceased completely. Suddenly, nothing was funny anymore.

So quickly the scene had changed. All of a sudden there seemed to be no oxygen left in the room. It felt like all the wind was knocked out of me, as I looked at the person standing before—a person who I once knew so well, but had forgotten.


	8. The Visitor

**A/N: Sorry I didn't update last weekend, but it was a busy personal week for me and I really wanted to get this chapter right and not just rush it. I'm really happy with how it came out and I think it leaves a lot of doors open for the characters. As some of you know, this overall story was based on a dream I had awhile back, but this chapter was not. The idea for this chapter/sub-plot came to me a few weeks back and it felt so right and perfect for the situation. I just had to figure the most dramatic timing to throw Kendall this curveball, and I think I did just that. Anyway, hope you all enjoy it as it is one of my personal favorites. **

**Oh, and if you haven't read the last chapter yet, I would recommend reading that one before this one since this picks up right where the last one left off!**

**Please review, too!**

* * *

><p>"Jo?" I said in disbelief. "Wha—what are you doing here?" I had spoken the words somehow, but I still felt like I needed to gasp for more air.<p>

"…Surprise!" Jo exclaimed.

"Yeah, surprise is right," was all I could think of. I realized instantly these weren't the right words, nor were they words you would say to a girl you once dated—I didn't sound enthusiastic, even to myself, but the shock was too great for me to filter my feelings. Then I saw Logan—standing next to me like a Grecian sculpture—frozen, looking flawlessly beautiful, but completely unreadable. I felt like I was stuck in some kind of personal Hell, one in which Logan was never supposed to endure with me, but somehow it became his problem too, and I hated myself for it.

"Well?" Jo said nervously. I suppose she had wanted a stronger reaction, something more than the increasingly silent stand-off that felt like it lasted for an immeasurable amount of time. "Don't I get a hug?" She chuckled desperately and I felt like a dick; a dick for not being happy to see my ex-girlfriend, a dick for _wanting_ to see her but just not in that current moment, a dick for not telling her about Logan before, and a dick for putting Logan in an uncomfortable position that could've been avoided. I glanced over at Logan who still somehow remained silent, but who must have slipped under Jo's radar somehow, because all her attention was on me. She pleaded with those big eyes of hers in a way only a girl can, as if saying, _Please hold me, Kendall, so I won't feel like a fool_.

"Of course you can get a hug!" I feigned with my voice raising a few octaves too high. Both Logan and Jo knew that when my voice would rise to that level, I wasn't being sincere. But I ran to her—I ran to her like a fool. Every step I took towards Jo, I could feel myself pulling away from Logan, as if he somehow didn't exist in the room anymore, as if the two of them couldn't co-exist in one reality. It was as though my love could only be allocated to one of them, and the other would have to be denied. I felt my body and Jo's connect, as I wrapped my long arms around her—hers around me—and I squeezed her tightly. It was an odd feeling—to feel a once familiar body, a familiar shape, against me that I hadn't felt in a long time.

"Hey, Logan," she said, shattering the bizarre Twilight Zone I felt I was stuck in. It was odd that she finally acknowledged Logan's presence. But I'm sure for Logan, the second we the door opened, there was no escaping the fact that Jo was there.

"Hi, Jo." Logan said evenly. He didn't sound excited, but he didn't sound angry either. He was still unreadable. And in that moment I wanted to kiss him more than I thought humanly possible. I wanted to make it right. Logan and I had promised each other that we would come out everyone we dated before, this included Camille and Jo. Only I didn't tell Jo, because she was, well, in New Zealand! I didn't think I was hurting anyone then. In fact, I thought I would be protecting Jo from the heartache. But it definitely came back to bite me in the ass. I wanted to tell him I was sorry and how I didn't deserve someone as perfect and beautiful as him, but I couldn't. Not with Jo there. I couldn't because it would hurt Jo. But more astoundingly—if I were to be honest with myself—I couldn't because I was ashamed to kiss Logan in front of Jo. The guilt and shame twisted inside of me like concealed blades. "How was New Zealand?" Logan continued.

"Ah-mazing! It's as beautiful as everyone describes it. But I missed Hollywood."

"Well we're glad to have you back," Logan said. His words seemed sincere. I wouldn't expect anything less from him. He may have been shocked—possibly even hurt with Jo interrupting our date, and now knowing that I had lied about telling Jo about us—but Logan had no room in his heart for hate. He was too much of a saint for that kind of petty behavior, and I loved him even more if that were possible.

It was weird to listen to my current love and past love speak so graciously to one another, as they exchanged a few words. But before long Logan excused himself.

"I'd stay and talk some more, but it's been a long day. I'll let you guys catch up. I hope you don't mind if I go lay down." Jo seemed slightly hurt by the lack of hospitality, but she quickly masked her face like the talented actress she was.

"Oh, not at all! Go get some rest!"

"It's good to see you though, Jo," Logan announced before heading to the room. But then he paused, looked in my direction and opened his mouth as if to speak, but decided to refrain and disappeared into the bedroom. This brief exchange didn't escape Jo. She looked at Logan and quickly glanced at me, clearly suspicious, but still masking her real emotions. I smiled awkwardly at her.

"Please, sit! Tell me all about New Zealand!" I squealed, anxious to change the subject. She seemed hesitant, but eventually complied.

"Well, where to begin? Um, they're doing pre-production for the sequel right now…"

"Yeah, congrats on the movie! It was huge; I can't imagine why they wouldn't be shooting the entire trilogy!" I listened to myself and realized I sounded like a completely different person. I don't know what in the hell I was thinking…

"Yeah, I'm really excited to begin production."

"I bet." I didn't know what else to say. It wasn't that I didn't care. It was just entirely too difficult to wrap my head around the current situation. Jo, my ex, had come back unannounced, when I had just returned from a date with my current lover, Logan, who Jo does not know I had been dating. The whole situation sounded like something straight from a soap opera. And it was also hard to related to Jo now because she had been gone for close to two years at this point; I wasn't sure we had anything in common anymore. It felt like I was talking to a stranger I once knew very well.

"Yep…" Jo mumbled, looking slightly bored. She must have caught on to the fact that I was less than verbose than usual.

"So what brings you back to Hollywood?" I quickly asked to end the awkward silence.

"Well, I don't start shooting for another two weeks, so I thought I would surprise you!" She said, flashing me her signature megawatt smile.

"Yeah! Surprise indeed!" I exclaimed, feigning a pathetic smile. "How did you get into the apartment?" She flinched. I suppose it came out blunter than I had intended.

"Uh, your mom and Katie were here earlier and they let me in." I instinctively looked around, trying to find any traces that they had been there recently. Jo addressed my concern though, "They left moments before you and Logan got back." It was strange to hear her say Logan's name with mine in the same sentence. My neck grew warm and I worried that Jo may have been on to us. I was obviously getting paranoid.

"Oh, right. I guess I must've missed them then."

"Yeah, they kept me company for a bit, but had somewhere to be. Your mom said I could stay here and wait for you though." I glanced at the wall clock and wondered where on Earth mom and Katie had to be at such a late hour.

"And James and Carlos?" Jo shook her head and shrugged. Most likely they were at the gym or at the basketball court. Based on how good Carlos' jump shot was from this morning I would bet they were at the latter. "Well, I'm really sorry that you had to wait for us alone. I didn't know," I apologized.

"Oh! I'm not mad, I'm just glad I get to see you." Then Jo smiled and placed a hand over mine. I gulped and shifted my weight. Her smile lessened slightly. I knew my actions were confusing her; I had to tell her the truth. I thought back to the time when I told my mom that I had been secretly dating Logan and the fear and anxiety I was feeling in that moment; this moment with Jo was exponentially worse.

"Jo… listen, there's something I need to tell you," I began slowly. "You see after you left—"

But before I could finish, James and Carlos burst through the doors only to stop in their tracks and wore shocked expressions that I'm sure looked similar to my face moments earlier.

"Heyyyy, Jo…" James and Carlos greeted forcefully in unison.

"Hey, guys!" Jo wailed, while running over and throwing an arm over each guy. With Jo's back towards me, James mouthed what looked like, _what's she doing here_, while Carlos pointed to her as if I was dumb enough to not be clued in as whom they were referring to. I rolled my eyes at Carlos and shrugged my shoulders to convey I was just as surprised as they were. "I was wondering when you guys would get back!" James and Carlos fixed smiles on their faces again.

"We're sorry!" Carlos pouted with those puppy dog eyes of his. How could anyone ever be mad at someone as loveable as Carlos?

"Yeah, if we knew a beautiful girl was waiting in our apartment we would have come back sooner," James said, turning on this charm like usual to help him get out of an awkward situation.

"Aww, really?" Jo questioned as James wrapped an arm around her. Somehow this bothered me a little. Even though Jo and I were no longer together, and I was in fact dating my best guy friend, did James think he was automatically allowed dibs on Jo?

"Yes, really," James cooed.

Then Carlos let out a big forceful yawn. Like me, he's always been a bad liar. It was evident to all of us that his yawn was faked.

"Oh, man, I'm wiped!" Carlos declared through his lousy attempt at a yawn. He gave James a knowing look, one that which James would be able to decipher, I'm sure. After all, they had spent a lot of time together; they could probably communicate by exchanging simple looks at this point.

"Oh, y-yeah! Sooo tired!" James joined in, faking a yawn as well. "We should probably hit the sack, right Carlos?"

"Definitely, dude!"

"Aw, but you guys just got back!" Jo whined. "Can't you stay up a little bit longer?" she protested.

James and Carlos both instinctively looked at me like usual for an answer. I shrugged in response, because I was just as unsure as they were. Then they looked at each other, hoping the other would come up with a solution.

"W-well, you see… Um, we have that thing tomorrow," James started.

"Right! That thing tomorrow… EARLY tomorrow. Like, really early," Carlos contributed.

"Yeah, so… uh, we should probably get to bed, if that's okay with you?"

"Uh, I guess I wouldn't want to keep you from being late to your… _thing_ tomorrow," said Jo, clearly baffled by exactly what that "thing" was.

"We're so happy that you understand," James smiled and leaned in to kiss Jo on the top of her head.

"Yeah, it's not like we're trying to leave you and Kendall alone or anything," Carlos snorted. I smacked the palm of my hand to my forehead. Dammit, Carlos! I think I even caught James rolling his eyes.

"Uhhh… ok," Jo chuckled, but narrowing her eyes at Carlos slightly, who gave her a sheepish grin in return.

"It's not that we don't want to see you!" James assured. "It's just that we should probably go, so c'mon Carlos, let's _go_!" James announced, gritting his teeth and yanked Carlos by his shirt to their room.

"'Night, Jo! 'Night, Kendall!"

"'Night," Jo waved weakly, with her smile slowly falling. She may not have known the exact reason for the undeniable tension in room, but she certainly wasn't oblivious to it.

"Good _night_, Carlos!" I said rather loudly, gritting my teeth, too. Then we heard the door slam and some muffled yelling back and forth, which ceased shortly. They probably realized it would only make them seem more suspicious.

But then I realized something, too. They bailed just like Logan and mom had. They were all giving me the chance to speak to Jo privately and set things right; to tell her what I should have before. The little show James put on—flattering Jo and wrapping his arm around her—was just as much of an act as when we were at the boutique with the two dumb sales girls earlier today. He probably wanted to lessen the blow for Jo. I don't give James enough credit a lot of the times; he's certainly a lot smarter than he looks. My sympathy went out to Jo, as I realized everyone she once knew was avoiding her, not because they didn't like her, but simply because they were more loyal to me and Logan. She didn't do anything wrong, but somehow she had involuntarily sacrificed everything in leaving Hollywood.

"That was odd," Jo confessed flatly.

"Yeah, well you know how James and Carlos are," I chuckled. "Let's sit back down and talk."

"Oh, right. I think you were in the middle of telling me something."

We walked back to the sofa and accidentally tried to sit the same spot as the other, before we awkwardly tried to maneuver around the other person and muttered "sorry". I clumsily knocked down a framed photo in the process.

"Oh!" We both yelled out too late as the photo fell down.

"Here let me get that," Jo offered.

"No, no! It's my fault! Let me get it," I said. More uncomfortable fidgeting, as we both bent down and fought to pick up the photo. We both grabbed on to it at the same time and as our hands touched, we both looked into each other's eyes. But then Jo's attention landed on the photo, which was of Logan and me. I had my arms wrapped tightly around Logan from behind. It could have passed as an innocent enough picture; a picture of two really close friends, but somehow I had a feeling Jo may have seen it as something more than that. The embrace was a little too tight, my face a little too close to his. My neck and cheeks were beginning to feel warm again.

"Here you go," she said casually, without any hostility in her voice. I wasn't sure if she was acting again or just really that oblivious.

"Thanks," I said quietly. I placed the photo back on the side table.

I had to quickly divert her attention back onto me, so she wouldn't grow too suspicious. It was as though all the puzzle pieces were coming together and she had almost figured it out. But I didn't want her to find out this way; the truth from my mouth was the right way—the only way. Jo's a smart girl. She would have figured it out within moments, so why hasn't she yet? Then I realized what it was: denial. Denial is the one thing powerful enough to blind people, force them to spin excuses in place of the truth. And the harder the truth is to swallow, the greater the denial.

"So where were we?" Jo asked, shaking her head lightly as if trying to make sense of this confusing night.

"Well, there's something I have to tell you, and I should probably just say it," the words poured out. My tone must have worried Jo, because she looked like she was bracing herself for the worst. "I'm seeing someone…" I said much slower this time so I wouldn't have to repeat myself. Jo flinched then looked away. She wouldn't allow me to see the palpable hurt on her face.

"Who is she?" She asked in a low voice, so low that I wasn't positive if she actually said "she". Jo really was in denial. Did she not see all the blatantly obvious signs in front of her tonight?

"He," I corrected. Now I was the one looking away.

I could hear a small gasp slipped out of her. Then something must have clicked inside her head—all the puzzle pieces had formed, creating the full image—because her eyes shot to the photo of Logan and me once more. Her beautiful hazel eyes were obstructed from the tears that were now building. Her jaw tightened. I wasn't sure if it was because she was angry or hurt. Maybe both. I wanted her to say something—anything—but she didn't. She refused to look me in the eyes. And then she shot up from the sofa and ran out the door, bringing her hands to her face as though she was catching the inevitable tears that were falling. I chased after her but stopped momentarily. I quickly looked in the direction of my room, knowing Logan was lying in bed, waiting for me to return to him like the boyfriend that he deserved. I wasn't sure if it was better to give Jo some space and reassure Logan I still loved him, or run after the girl whose heart I just broke. I was torn, but somehow inexplicably—without any thought and solely based on instinct—I ran out the door.


	9. Farewell

**A/N: It's been awhile since I've updated just because I've been busy, and I'm not one to write just to write. I have to feel the passion, if not, the writing just suffers as a result. But I just want to let everyone know that it is NOT over; there's more to come... I have not abandoned this story by any means lol. **

**Anyway, hopefully with summer around the corner I will be able to devote more time to writing again. Please review and enjoy!**

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><p>I ran full speed just to catch the elevator doors closing. I rapidly pounded on the down button in hopes of it miraculously opening for me, but then I figured the stairs would be a faster alternative anyway. But then a concern struck me as I flew down those stairs like a madman—what would I even say to Jo? I was so adamant about catching her that I hadn't put any thought into what I would actually <em>say<em>. But I expelled the thought; first I had to find her. I made it to the ground floor and cut a corner so sharply that a girl turning the corner at the same time jumped. I must have appeared frantic to the poor girl. I scanned the lobby, only to find concerned and frightened faces looking back, but none belonged to Jo. Did I really look that crazed? My head spun when the corner of my eye caught her blonde locks outside by the pool. There she stood with her back turned to me, but clearly sobbing. Even though she had no clear escape this time, I still ran to her, afraid she would somehow disappear for good.

"Jo!" I yelled, slightly out of breath. I spun her around so I could explain myself. I was met with a hard smack to my face. It didn't hurt. It should have hurt, but it didn't. I was too concerned about her pain; I couldn't even register my own.

"How could you? You made me look like a _fool_, Kendall!" She yelled louder than I'd ever heard her yell.

"I'm sorry, Jo! That wasn't my intention…" I hadn't considered the embarrassment Jo must have experienced. All her former friends had known about Logan and me except her, and every one of us had basically just lied to her face. This new piece of information couldn't possibly be easy for her. "Please, Jo… You have to know I would never try to hurt you intentionally. Ever." I tried to hold her hands to comfort her, but she jerked them away. Her eyes were fixed to the ground and visible teardrops fell from her eyes. "Jo, please look at me…" I pleaded.

"I can't look at you right now," she confessed. I noticed that the few people who were out by the pool this late began collecting their things and leaving, probably so the seemingly crazy couple in front of them could duke it out privately.

"I didn't know how to tell you, or even how to bring it up. After you left, I was heartbroken for a while…" That was the truth. I wasn't saying it for her benefit, or to victimize myself. After Jo moved, I was a wreck for a while, but there was one person who was there for me when I feel apart; one person who had _always_ been there for me—Logan. "And Logan and I… well, we… I'm sure you can figure out the rest." These must not have been the right words, because her tear-streaked face shot up and she gave me an ice cold stare.

"_No_, I _can't_ figure out the rest… How could you so easily _replace_ me?"

"Replace? It wasn't like that. Logan and I didn't… we didn't get together until awhile later. And even then, we didn't mean for it to happen just because you had left."

"Oh so it's _my_ fault?" She defended.

"No! Of course not! Look, I'm saying this all wrong…" I don't know why I was trying so hard to explain to Jo what Logan and I went through, how we slowly fell in love with one another every day, how our friendship somehow transformed into something familiar yet entirely different. I guess I was figuring out how to put it all into words not only for Jo's benefit but also mine. I never really thought about how Logan and I fell in love. I mean, I knew I had always loved him, I just never thought I was _in love_ with him. It was always just a feeling, something that developed organically. It never required an explanation… until now. So I just said the most truthful thing I could think of; "Jo, I'm in love with Logan." Her expression held hurt and jealousy.

"I don't know what to say to that, Kendall…" _That makes two of us_, I thought. But something seemed to register behind Jo's tear-streaked face; almost like someone had turned the light bulb on in her mind that had been previously occupied by denial. "It actually all makes sense now." I wasn't sure which part of everything I said had made "sense".

"What do you mean?"

"Isn't it obvious? You've always been in love with Logan. And he's always been in love with you. Everyone could see that." I must've blushed. But then Jo seemed embarrassed too, as she continued, "Well… I can see it _now_. I think I must have been in denial." There it was. That word. She finally acknowledged it and almost immediately her face changed from the hurt and anger to a softer, more understanding Jo that I knew and loved.

"Not just you. I denied my love for him too. Maybe if I had figured it out sooner then… then I could have avoided hurting you…"

"Oh, God no, Kendall! Is that what you think? That I regret us dating?"

"Don't you?" I asked like a small child.

"No, of course not. I mean… sure it sucks knowing I've lost my chance with you, but I wouldn't change a thing with what we had."

"Neither would I." Then I paused and thought about what Jo needed to hear. I wasn't sure if it would make her happy, hurt her again, or maybe a bit of both, but I said it anyway. "If it means anything, I really did love you." She just tilted her head slightly and she looked grateful that I said it. I guess she really did need to hear that; she needed that closure.

I took her hands—this time she allowed it—even though I noticed her flinch ever so slightly at first. I walked us over to the edge of the pool and we sat down, rolled up our jeans and dipped our legs into the warm pool water like we used to. We remained silent as though all the words and tears had drained our last ounces of energy. We listened to the scattered chattering of the Palm Woods, the gentle late night breeze, and the sloshing of the pool water as it brushed against our legs. We sat there in silence for what felt like an immeasurable amount of time, with the barely-there moonlight dimly illuminating the city. Finally, Jo spoke.

"Logan deserves you, you know?" I was overwhelmed by her generosity. "I didn't," she continued. Then I was saddened by her personal revelation.

"No, Jo. That isn't true," I assured.

"But it is. I felt it. I felt us growing apart because I was too caught up with my career. I chose my career over _you_." I could see her face becoming serious, lost in deep thought, as if she were replaying moments that could have been fixed but weren't.

"Hey… don't do that. Don't go blaming yourself for all of this. There are two people in a relationship. I should have tried harder, too."

"Yeah, this is all your fault," she taunted jokingly. Finally, a smile! I smiled back, glad that she understood. I playfully bumped into her with my shoulder and she stubbornly pushed back. We exchanged a few laughs and both let a deep sigh.

"So what now?" I asked.

"Not sure," she shrugged. "I guess I should go get a room somewhere for the night, then catch a flight back to New Zealand tomorrow."

"Just stay here with us," I blurted out. I knew instantly after the words came out that this was the least likely scenario that would happen. Jo would feel too awkward to accept the invitation, as will everyone else when they see her tomorrow morning lying on the couch, but I still had to at least try and be hospitable. Jo was already aware of this though.

"Kendall, that's sweet, but you know I can't do that," she said, placing her hand on mine.

"I just feel awful for everything."

"You see, this is why everyone likes you. You are always thinking of others before yourself. Please don't be so sweet. It'll only make leaving even harder." We both chuckled, but I got the feeling that she really meant what she said, and I empathized with her conflict.

"Should I get you a cab then?" I offered.

"No, I'm sure there will be a few lined up in front of the Palm Woods anyway. But thanks." She rose to her feet, as did I, for the inevitable farewell. Our dripping shins left a pool of water around our feet.

"Are you sure there's nothing I can do for?"

"Well… there's one small request, if you're willing to, of course."

"Yeah, sure," I said almost too eagerly. I was just so happy that she wasn't pissed off with me.

"Good-bye kiss?" She pleaded. This was our signature kiss when we had dated. Silly, I know, but because of our hectic careers we had always looked forward to our good-bye kiss. For a moment I thought about giving into her request, not because I was tempted to cheat on Logan. No, I just felt a surge of guilt for hurting everyone I did tonight; hurt that could have easily been avoided if I had been honest from the beginning. I wanted to rectify my mistake; to give Jo wanted she had wanted—even if it was clearly a false hope of an "us". But then in that moment, all I could think about was Logan, and how it was him that I wished was standing in front of me pleading for a kiss, how it were his lips I would soon be kissing. But for whatever reason, I leaned in and submitted to her request. Our lips met and we held them there for a brief moment before I pulled away slowly. The kiss said everything that neither she nor I could. We smiled at each other; I walked her to the front of the Palm Woods and she ducked into a cab. She waved good-bye, seemingly content that at least she got closure but still hurt, as a girl would be after you've broken her heart. I waved back and sighed deeply as the rear of the cab disappeared into the dark city. I stood for a brief moment outside and then made my way back to the apartment, thinking about everything that transpired in the morning up until Jo leaving. The day had been quite possibly the longest in my life. I started out reconciling with Carlos, then more convincing with James, a surprise dinner with Logan with one minor detail I had forgotten, and then a bigger surprise visit with Jo.

I opened the door to our apartment and what I saw made me realize I made the right decision. In fact, there was no other decision; that Logan was and will always be the one. Logan and Katie were on the couch playing some card game, laughing hysterically. I couldn't help but smile, watching the way Logan interacted with Katie. She had always been so mature for her age (sometimes a little too mature that I worried she would miss out on a real childhood), but somehow when she was around Logan, she was a child again. His natural charm and affection were sincere—these are the kinds of things children can detect easily. This must be why Katie had always taken a liking to Logan. And then I imagined our future; all the beautiful and endless possibilities. Their laughter ceased when Katie saw I had returned. Logan turned around and barely looked at me before pulling his face downwards.

Mom came out from her room and stopped in front of me. Her expression held a curiosity; clearly she wanted to know what happened with Jo. I gave her a small reassuring smile, and shook my head as my response. She sighed lightly and smiled in a proud way. Then she walked the remaining space between us and gave me a kiss on my cheek. This is how my mother and I have always communicated. A lot of times we don't even need any dialogue. She gives me a knowing look only a mom can; a look that says, I know you'll do the right thing because that's how you were raised. And she was absolutely right.

"Come on, Katie," mom said in lowered voice. "It's really late. Time for bed."

"Alright. I'm coming. But I definitely would have won this game," Katie said confidently to Logan.

"No way, kiddo. I totally would have beaten you," Logan teased back. "'Night, Katie."

"'Night, Logan," she said as she threw her arms around him, giving him a tight hug, almost as if she was afraid of somehow losing him. A pang hit my heart. Logan kissed the top of her head; another pang.

"'Night, big bro," she said walking by as mom escorted her back to the room.

"Goodnight, Katie," I said in their direction.

"You boys don't stay up too late, alright?" Mom said before disappearing. Logan and I both nodded.

I walked over to Logan as he finished putting all the cards back into the holder, and I softly placed my hand on his shoulder. He simply said, "Not here," and headed for our bedroom. I spun around and watched him disappear into the darkness, as well. I was momentarily stunned; I couldn't process his tone. Was he angry? _Of course he's angry_, I thought. _What a stupid thing to ask!_ I turned off the remaining lights that were on and slipped into the darkness, as well.

In our poorly lit room, Logan sat with his arms folded across his chest, wearing that completely unreadable face again.

"Logan, I'm sorry," I whispered. I felt like my brain had intended for more words to come out after "I'm sorry" but nothing else did. I suppose apologizing in general was a good place to start.

"Don't be, Kendall." Did he mean for it to come off has indifference, like he didn't care enough to even be bothered, or did he sincerely mean I shouldn't be worried and that he wasn't mad? I was too afraid to ask, but he somehow answered my thoughts like he always did. "I'm not mad. Really, I'm not."

"But you seemed so…"

"I was shocked," he admitted. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I didn't know how to react."

"Neither did I," I confessed. The next thing he asked completely stopped my heart.

"Did you kiss her?" He asked it without any anger in his voice, but I still felt caught off guard. I could have lied to him. After all, the kiss was an empty one; I didn't feel for Jo that way anymore. If anything, the kiss helped confirm this for me. And even if I still had feelings for Jo, they would only be a dull shade compared to what I felt for Logan. Maybe the lie would have spared Logan hurt feelings, but I realized I was tired to lying, whether directly or by omission—people got hurt.

"Yes," I ashamedly whispered.

"And then what?" Logan asked, again without an angry tone. He sounded more like a psychologist dealing with a patient than a jealous boyfriend.

"And then she left," I stated flatly. "But I love _you_, Logan," I added when I was fed up with not being able to read his expression. I flew over to him and tried to embrace him, hoping he'd embrace me back and assure me that everything would be alright. But he didn't. He placed a firm hand on my chest before I could wrap my arms around him, and he gently pushed me back. I felt like all my hopes literally shattered inside of me.

"I'm not mad, Kendall." He kept saying that, yet his body language said otherwise. But I allowed him to explain. "I'm not sure exactly how I feel… but I'm not mad. You had no more control over tonight than I did, so there's no reason to be upset with you."

"Then why aren't you letting me hold you?" I questioned.

"I just need to process everything. It feels odd to be held right now."

"Can't we just kiss and pretend the last hour never happened?" I nearly begged.

"That's just it. I'm not trying to hold you responsible for anything, but I can't kiss you."

"Why not?" I pleaded like a desperate child.

"Because the last person to feel your lips was Jo."

"Oh," was all I could produce. Maybe that "innocent" kiss wasn't so innocent after all.

"It just feels too weird, you know?"

It was time for damage control. I couldn't lose Logan over a silly, meaningless kiss. "It wasn't because I wanted to. In fact, I didn't feel anything in the kiss. I only thought of you, Logan, and how I so badly wished they were your lips I was kissing. Everything we have endured—both good and bad—has all been worth it, because I know _you _are worth it. Don't give up, Logan. Not now. Not after all the obstacles we've faced together." My speech must have struck a chord in him, because his eyes began to water.

"You think I wanted to give you up? I'd fight for you until my dying breath, Kendall." Now my eyes were starting to get misty.

I didn't care if he needed time to sort out his feelings. I knew mine, and they were telling me that I needed to kiss Logan as if life itself depending on it. I didn't ask for permission. It wasn't logical, it was emotional. I crashed my lips against his. At first, it felt like he was trying to pull away, but I was unrelenting, and finally he gave in and kissed back, grabbing fistfuls of my hair. Our mouths married in a passionate way, filled with unspoken apologies; for what? We didn't even know or care. Without any words, we both instinctively knew we were over yet another obstacle in our relationship. We had successfully forged our hearts back together once again. There really was no greater force on this planet that could keep Logan and me apart.

Even though I had kissed him only hours earlier at the restaurant, it felt like I was kissing him again for the first time. I gave him one final tender peck on his lips. Honestly, if I had my way we wouldn't have ever stopped kissing. But I knew the day had exhausted us both and that our human bodies needed to rest, while my soul was yearning for more of Logan. We lied on the bed with our fingers intertwined. We stared at the moon from our lone bedroom window when I remembered the whole reason for taking Logan out to dinner—our promise rings! I fumbled for them in my pockets, praying they were still in decent condition after all the madness. I pulled both rings out and the moonlight must have caused the rings to glimmer in the dark, because they caught Logan's attention.

"I wanted to give this to you when we were at Manelli's, but I got… distracted," I smirked.

"You mean the bathroom sex, um, _distracted_ you?" Now he was smirking, as well. "Was it really that good?"

"You already know the answer to that," I stated. "Anyway, I got these for us today."

"So that's where you and James went this afternoon!" Logan deduced. "They're perfect, Kendall," he beamed.

"They're promise rings. One for you, and one for me," I said as I slipped one on his finger and then the other on mine.

"A promise to what?"

"Don't you remember?" He shook his head, genuinely confused. "You asked me to promise you one thing," I hinted. He thought about it for a mere second and knew.

"I asked you to promise me that you would never stop loving me," Logan recalled. My smile and nod confirmed what he already knew. I took his smooth hand and placed it on mine so the rings were side by side.

"These rings are the symbol of me keeping that promise. Forever." I look into Logan's warm brown eyes and noticed they looked glassy, as if any second tears would spill out. Then, he kissed me, and our bodies melted into one. He snuggled up as closely as possible to me; his body radiating warmth. We looked out to the pale moon that was mostly covered by the clouds, and I wondered to myself if there could possibly be a person in the world luckier than me at that moment.


	10. Fan Mail

**A/N: It's been awhile once again, but I finally finished another chapter that I'm really happy with. I wanted this chapter to be light in tone, since the past few have been rather serious. This chapter was a lot of fun to write, but it's also a very crucial chapter because it sets up for the climax. **

**Anyway, thank you to everyone who has been following this story; it's literally been months that I've dedicated to this fanfic. So please read & review, but most impirtantly, enjoy!**

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><p>WINTER<p>

I opened my eyes and took in the beautiful sight before me. Logan lied there, breathing slowly, softly. His raven hair was a beautiful stark contrast against his fair complexion. His skin was so smooth it almost looked porcelain. I surveyed his body—even though I knew it so perfectly well—and noticed his feet poking out from the fleece blanket we had wrapped ourselves in. I smiled to myself and wrapped my arms around him. I breathed in his delicious scent and let out a soft moan, which caused him to stir a bit. I tensed up; afraid that I had awakened him, but he soon fell still again and resumed his rhythmic breathing. I then noticed my morning wood, currently pressed against my boyfriend's body. A few thoughts and images instantly sprung to mind, but I thought it would be best to let Logan rest, especially after the wild night we already had last night…

Instead, I forced my hormonally fueled body to get up. The fact that our alarm clock read a quarter past 11 was another reason to get up. I stealthy sneaked out of bed. Logan rolled over once and pulled our blanket up to his chin; he even looked perfect asleep. I grabbed a clean t-shirt from the stack of clothes lying on Logan's former bed. It was funny how his bed had turn into a catch-all pile for clothes, socks, underwear and towels; you could hardly even see the mattress anymore. We shared a bed now, so there was no point in wasting that space, but it still made me smile knowing that Logan would be in my bed every night. I threw on some sweat pants just for good measure, since my erection had yet to go away. I peeked out our window and felt a cold shiver just looking at the undoubtedly frigid winter air. The clouds loomed high, but full and grey. The week had been a record-setting cold for L.A. I found it strange how it happened to be the coldest winter in L.A. when we had a summer that felt like one of the hottest since we'd lived there. _Is it cold enough for it to snow?_ I thought to myself. It would be next to impossible, since it's been decades since L.A. has seen real snow from what all the residents have told me. I breathed against the glass to frost it up, and drew a heart with _K + L_ in the center of it. Juvenile, I know, but it was the little things that made me smile.

I brushed my teeth and ran a comb through my mess of a hair. I splashed some very cold water on my face, and headed out the apartment. I headed for the lobby to pick up our mail, which had probably been piling up. I had a feeling that Logan and my mom were the only ones who attempted to get our mail on regular basis. Surely James and Carlos couldn't be entrusted to do so. When I was in the lobby I was made aware of my rather homely get-up—a holey t-shirt and old sweatpants, without any footwear but my socks, no less. I should have considered what I was wearing, but then I shrugged realizing I didn't actually care.

"Good morning, Mr. Bitters!" I said when I was at the front desk, probably a little more chipper than necessary.

"Good morning to you, Trouble #1," Bitters said sardonically. Bitters had decided to give the members of Big Time Rush nicknames, not very original nicknames, but nicknames nonetheless. Somehow I got the top honor of being Trouble #1. I suppose it was because Bitters saw me as the group's leader, and therefore the instigator. At first I wasn't sure if I should have been offended or flattered. I've come to like the little pet name he conjured up, so I'm generally unfazed by it.

"I was wondering if there's any mail for 2J?"

"Oh, there's mail alright… Be right back," Bitters said with a patronizing smile. He wasn't kidding about the mail. He had returned with an oversized canvas bag stuffed with mail, looking like something you'd find at UPS rather than an apartment complex. My eyes widened.

"Uhhh, this… This is all _ours_?" I pointed at the bag rather embarrassedly.

"Well unless someone else is living in your old apartment now, then yes, Trouble #1, this is all _yours_," he said through an annoyingly fixed smile behind the smartass comment. Then he shoved the bag towards my chest and chimed, "Have a Palm Woods day!" Then his fake perky smiled dropped and he was frowning once again.

I gave Bitters a sheepish smirk and carried the bag back to the apartment. I made a mental note to let the guys know we would have to check our mail more than once a week… especially to James and Carlos. And like a self-fulfilling wish James and Carlos were standing there when the elevator doors opened on our floor.

"Good mor—hey… whatcha got there, Santie Claus?" James joked.

"Ha ha… very clever. And _actually_, I've got tons of gifts for you, James Diamond, since you've been _such_ a good boy this year," I joked back.

"Ooh! Anything in there for me, Santa? Like a sippy cup from Amazon, perhaps?" Carlos asked, seeming genuinely anxious. James and I looked at him confused. "What? It's for… Katie."

"Katie…?" I asked blankly.

"Hey! Don't judge, alright!"

I shook my head to erase what could possibly be a frightening image of Carlos drinking from a sippy cup. "_Anyway_… we got to do a better job at checking the mail periodically. And by 'we' I mean you two," I directed.

"Hey! I check the mail!" James said defensively.

"Oh, yeah? When?" I tested.

"Uhh… That one time. You know, when there was… mail. And stuff."

"Yeah, that's what I thought," I said triumphantly. James just rolled his eyes. "Carlos, please check the mail?"

"Will do, Kendall!"

"Thanks, man."

"Now can I just see if there's that package…?" Now I rolled my eyes.

"Be my guest."

"Thank you! Ah-ha! Here it is!" Carlos jumped hugging the box to chest like it was a prized possession. To Carlos, it probably was though. "Gotta go!" And then he ran back into the apartment.

"What? Hey! Carlos!" James yelled. "See what you did, Kendall? Now I don't have anyone to spot me at the gym! Thanks!" James huffed and got into the elevator, and proceeded to smash the buttons in a melodramatic fashion. I couldn't help but chuckle a little as the elevator closed with a very angry James aboard.

When I got back to the apartment mom and Katie were putting their coats on.

"Whoa! What's with the bag?" Katie asked.

"Apparently we need to check our mail more often," I said matter-of-factly.

"What? But I just got our mail, like, two days ago!" Mom said.

"Huh… I just figured no one had checked it for it to get piled up like this," I said looking at the bag.

"Have you considered the fact that maybe it's because you guys are becoming more famous now, big brother?" Katie asked.

"Huh, I guess not." She rolled her eyes at me. "So you actually think most of these are from fans?"

"Yes, big brother!"

"Either that or we have a _lot_ of bills this month…" mom added. "Anyway, don't you boys get all your fan mail sent to Rocque Records?" Mom asked.

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

"You honestly think that some crazed fans wouldn't eventually be able to find out where you guys live?" Katie suggested. I lifted up the bag, suddenly feeling terrified that I would have to go through that much fan mail.

"Well, have the guys help you sort through all the mail, sweetie," mom suggested, as though she had read my mind once again. "Your sister and I will be back in a bit. And Kendall, don't forget to put all the important bills on the counter please."

"Will do, mom." She then kissed me on the cheek and she and Katie left. I took the bag over to the dining table and poured all the contents of the bag out. I sighed to myself.

"Whoa… what's all this?" Logan said from behind. He rubbed his eyes, clearly still half asleep. He still looked like perfection.

"Morning, sleepy head."

"I know. I don't know what's with me lately," Logan yawned. "I'm becoming you." Then he gave me a kiss. He tasted wonderful. "So where is everyone? And seriously, what is all this?"

"James is down at the gym I think, mom and Katie literally just left, and Carlos is with his sippy cup." Logan looked confused with the last part, and for good reason, but he didn't press the subject. "And all _this_ is apparently two days-worth of fan mail." Logan's eyes widened.

"You can't be serious."

"Oh, but I am," I said with an ironic grin.

"I thought all fan mail gets sent to Rocque Records?"

"Katie suspects that one or a few of our fans have found out our address. How? I have no clue."

"Yikes… our fans are… _devoted_."

"That's one word for it."

"I guess we should start sorting through all of this then?" I look at the mounds of letters, bills, packages, and postcards and shivered.

"I guess better sooner than later," I gulped. Then Carlos walked out from his room and took a swig from his... sippy cup. Carlos _actually_ drank from a sippy cup.

"See you guys later," he waved with a smile, like nothing was wrong with that picture.

Logan appeared dazed and confused, "Did he just—?"

"Don't even ask," I interrupted. We got back to the task at hand and decided it would be easiest to separate the packages first, then the postcards, and then all the bills would go to mom. I'm sure she was really thrilled to see those.

After about half an hour of sifting through all the mail, Logan brought over sandwiches for us to munch on while we continued to read all the fan mail. We wrote back to the ones we were able to. Some were meant for the group as a whole and some were for specific members. Logan took the time to write back to as many of the ones for him as possible; the boy really had the patience and compassion of a saint. I could barely sign my autograph, let alone a paragraph without my wrist and hands straining, but I continued with as many as I could. We left the ones for Carlos and James in a separate pile. I snickered to myself at the thought of them doing what we were doing later.

"You do realize that you're not going to be graded on any of this, right?" I joked to Logan.

"Yes, I know," he smiled. "But some of these fans have such sweet things to say that how can you not want to share some kind words?" I felt the urge to kiss him, so I did.

"This is why you're my better half. But seriously, I love our fans just as much as you do, believe me. But I'm not sure I even know how to respond to some of these letters. They're not asking for anything; it's more like a rant," I said as I picked up a bubblegum pink postcard with glitter dusted all over it. "Like this one for example. '_Dear BTR, I just wanna say I luv you sooo much, blah, blah, blah, I have all your CDs, blah, blah, blah, my ovaries explode every time I see you guys._' Like, what does that even mean?" Logan began laughing. I guess it was rather amusing for him. I suppose it wasn't all that bad, at least Logan and I got to spend time with each other. Well, and our hundreds of fans that decided to write us.

"Well, okay, that one _is_ a tad much. But what about this one?" He reads a letter printed on salmon colored paper. "'_Dear BTR, I saw you guys in concert for your All Over The World Tour when you were in Little Rock, Arkansas. That was the first concert I have ever attended. I wanted to tell you guys that that concert changed my life and I will never forget that night. I love all of you, and please continue to make the music you do, and please, please come back to Little Rock.' Signed, 'Amanda J. Rusher for life_'."

"Ok, I admit, that one is super sweet, but I still don't know what to say to half of these."

"Maybe just write… 'Thanks for being a fan'?" Logan suggested.

"That works. Now if only I can turn that into a stamp…" Logan glared at me. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding… Mostly." We both laughed. "Maybe some of these aren't even for us. Maybe some of these were sent here by mistake. Maybe they're for… Rob Lowe?"

"Rob Lowe. Seriously?"

"Ok, maybe not Rob Lowe, but you know what I mean! Some of these aren't addressed to any one of us in particular. Like these here! A lot of them keep mentioning something about a Kogan."

"What's a Kogan?"

"Beats me," I shrugged. Then, James and Carlos finally returned. "Oh, perfect timing!" I shot up from my seat. "Now you guys can take over with the fan mail. Logan and I were about to take a break anyway," I rubbed in.

"What? No way, dude! I am _not_ sitting here for hours and writing back to all _these_," James protested. Why did that not surprise me?

"James, we have to. They're from our _fans_," Carlos reasoned.

"Ugh… fine," James gave in, knowing Carlos' logical was right. "Don't we have, oh I don't know… a person that does this for us?"

"Oh c'mon, James. Are you that spoiled now? It's not so bad," Logan stated.

"And if it makes you feel any better, James, your pile is smaller than Carlos'!" I added. I smiled because I knew this would tick him off.

"_What_? Carlos has more fan mail than _me_?"

"I have more fan mail than _James_?" Carlos beamed.

"You certainly do, my friend," Logan confirmed. "So I'd get started if I were you," he suggested with a wink.

"Yay! I love fan mail!" Carlos immediately sat down and seemed authentically excited to write back to all his fan mail.

"There has to be a mistake! How can I have less fan mail than _any_ of you? Have you _seen_ my face?" James motioned to his face with both hands, and wiggled his fingers for dramatic effect like usual. Logan and I simply rolled our eyes.

"Wow, that's a lot of letters…" mom's voice boomed from the front door. She and Katie were carrying grocery bags in.

"Oh! Let me help you with those, Mrs. Knight," Logan offered, jumping out of his seat.

"Thank you, Logan. You're the only one that _ever offers to help_," mom stated. Somehow she seemed to be directing the statement more towards rest of us than Logan, but Carlos was face deep writing to his fans, James was still pouting, and my wrists were too sore to jerk off let alone carry heavy bags. Leave it to Logan to be the saint.

"Ooh, can I help with the fan mail?" Katie asked.

"Yeah! Anything! Do anything, because at this rate, we won't be done until Christmas," I said.

"Well, you'll have to do the ones that aren't asking for our autograph, unless you know how to forge our signatures," Carlos suggested.

"I do," Katie reluctantly admitted.

"Wait, what? Katie, how on _Earth_ do you know how to forge all our signatures?" I asked, worried but slightly impressed.

"Easy. I've just watched you guys sign all those photos of yourselves and I've replicated it," she confessed proudly.

"Yeah, and the question is… why exactly?" James pressed.

"Well, I have all this BTR merchandise I wanted to sell and it was just easier to forge your signatures than to ask."

"And you weren't even going to tell us?" I asked bewildered.

"Well if I did then I would have had to split the profits with you, duh!" I rolled my eyes. Typical scamming little sister of mine.

"So you signed all that merchandise by yourself?" James asked.

"Pfft! Don't be ridiculous, I forged your signatures and then made a stamp out of them," Katie admitted, again rather proudly.

"I knew it! See, Logan! I told you we should have made a stamp!" I huffed towards the kitchen.

"What are you rambling about, sweetie?" Mom asked.

"Oh, nothing. Just Katie, trying to take advantage of the situation like always." I playfully glared at Katie as she sat down and placed pre-signed photos of us into envelopes to be sent back to eager fans.

"Well wash up, sweetie. I'll start on dinner," she said, practically undaunted by what I just said. She was just as used to Katie's profiteering as I was.

"Need any help, Mrs. Knight?" Logan offered once again.

"I'd love it if you could, Logan," mom cooed. Logan was definitely her favorite. I wouldn't be surprised if she liked him more than me even. "Oh, did you boys remember to separate the bills for me like I asked?"

"Yeah, mom, they're right over there on the kitchen counter."

"Thanks, boys." She quickly scanned through her much smaller pile. "Oh, looks like you guys missed one. This one's for Logan." Mom handed the envelope to Logan.

"Hm, I don't know how we missed that one. We must've accidentally put it into the wrong pile earlier," I said.

"No, this isn't a fan letter, Kendall," Logan said rather seriously. Suddenly, the room fell silent. The pens Carlos and James were using paused from scratching away at the papers they were writing on. Mom and Katie had stopped and stared at us as well.

"Oh? What is it then?" I tried to calmly ask.

"Remember when I signed up for that internship with FDA?"

"The Food and Drug Administration?" I said scratching my head.

"What? No, not that one! The Future Doctors of America!"

"Ohhh... _OHH_! You got in?"

"Well, I don't know obviously. I haven't opened it yet." I noticed his hands trembling slightly.

"You're a genius, remember? You got in," I stated confidently.

I then realized I was holding my breath. Of course I wanted my boyfriend to be happy, to get accepted into the medical field. After all, this had been his dream since we were kids. While the rest of us pretended to be astronauts, cowboys, and superheroes, Logan always wanted to literally save lives. Typical, compassionate Logan… But now a small selfish part of me wanted him to be rejected. I wanted him to stay here with me, and if he got accepted then that hope would be squashed. I felt like a bad boyfriend for wishing Logan's failure just so I could keep him, but it didn't matter. It was futile to think that way because we all knew there was no way anyone would turn down someone has brilliant as Logan. In that envelope was Logan's acceptance letter into the program. I instantly decided in that moment that I hated mail.

Logan looked up at me briefly. He was just as scared, but for differently reasons, I'm sure. He slid one finger under the flap of the envelope, and easily opened it. He pulled out the crisp, thick cream colored paper, while all eyes were fixed on him, and the only thought I had on my mind was that on that piece of paper were the words powerful enough to take Logan away from me…

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><p><strong>Do you think Logan gets accepted for the internship program?* And if so, what do you think will be his decision as to stay or leave? I'd love to hear what you all think, so please review!<strong>

***I already have the answer in the next chapter btw ;)**


	11. The Letter

"What does it say?" James asked impatiently, after being unable to endure the long silence. I wanted to punch him in the face. Logan looked up at me with the unreadable expression he mastered so well. The boy had the best Poker face, that's for damn sure. His gaze bore into mine, as if he was trying to read _my_ expression.

"I didn't get accepted," Logan whispered. I let out an audible sigh. The sad part is I don't know if it was a sigh of relief or shock. Perhaps it was both.

"_What_? How is that even possible, Logan?" Mom demanded.

"I'm sorry, man," Carlos sympathized.

"Yeah, me too, dude," James added.

Katie was speechless for once; no witty answer, no quick solution. She really cared about Logan, I'm sure she would've wanted him to get in. _Unless_… she was feeling what I was feeling, and also not sure if she wanted to see Logan leave. Maybe I wasn't the only one who was thinking selfishly. I wanted to say something to Logan—some words of comfort—but somehow no words would have seemed appropriate. So instead, I went to him and gave him a hug. I held him there, not wanting to let go until all the hurt inside of him had been freed. I felt other bodies encircling us and arms opening to embrace us as well. Everyone; mom, Katie, James and Carlos. We all showered him with the love that he deserved.

"It's alright, Kendall," Logan mumbled into my shoulder. I hushed him and kissed the top of his head.

"Logan, honey, are you sure you read it right?" Mom insisted.

"_Mom_…" I glared. I know she meant well, but she wasn't helping.

"Well, maybe it says something on there—" Mom began, reaching for the letter. Logan quickly retracted the letter, and instantly shredded it.

"No, Mrs. Knight. They rejected me. It's done," Logan said sharply, not in an overly aggressive way, but just very darkly. He then stormed into the bedroom without saying another word to any of us.

"Should we… do something, Kendall?" Carlos asked.

"You should go talk to him, sweetie," mom suggested to me. "He probably needs you now more than ever."

"Yeah, I think you're right, mom," I replied.

"Let us know if we can help out," James offered. It was nice to know my friends and family had my back, even James. Katie still looked like she was in deep thought though. I wondered was she was thinking.

"Of course. Thanks, guys," I nodded and went after Logan.

I quietly closed the door behind me. Logan was staring out from the window in our poorly lit room. Even in the state he was in, he looked like a God.

"Logan," I began, unsure of myself. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really, Kendall. Not now," he stated evenly.

"I think it'll help if you get it off your chest though, babe." With each syllable, I slowly inched towards him.

"What's there to say? I didn't get accepted. The end." I'd never heard Logan speak that negatively before.

"No, not 'the end', Logan. They are _idiots_ for not accepting you," I assured him.

"I know you're trying to be supportive, Kendall, but they're not idiots."

"_Yes_, they _are_," I persisted.

"Kendall, I—" he cut himself off before he could finish.

"You what? Tell me. I want to know," I pressed.

"It doesn't matter, alright? Can we just drop it?" he said firmly. There was something he wasn't telling me; I felt it.

"That's not what I'm worried about. I don't give a damn what some board of stuck up, white collared doctors think of you. And neither should you. Don't let those assholes judge you that way! It's what _you_ think of _yourself_. Why should you let some piece of paper validate you? Why do you need it to tell you if you're any good?" I challenged.

"Because…" he muttered, staring at the floor.

"Because, what?"

"Because I'm not sure I want to do this anymore!" Logan raised his voiced.

"What do you mean you don't want to do 'this' anymore? Did I do something…?"

"What? Oh, no! Kendall, I didn't mean you and me. I meant _this_," he said, gesturing his arms at the apartment. "Hollywood, the singing thing, the band… all of it" he clarified.

"Oh," I muttered. I was relieved to know he didn't want to break up with me, but I was taken aback by this piece of news. "But, we chose this together."

"No! _You_ chose this! Not me," he yelled. I must have looked startled enough, because his face softened again, and he looked upset with himself for yelling. "I didn't say I don't want to do this anymore. I just said I wasn't sure _if_ I wanted to," Logan elaborated.

"When did this happen?" I asked.

"I don't know… I guess it's always been in the back of my mind since the beginning. We ended up here because James was the one that wanted to become famous. We all just kind of went along with it. But the real turning point was when you finally admitted to yourself that you actually enjoy singing, too. From then, well, I guess I realized I had to—"

"Sacrifice your own dream?" I finished for him.

"Well, when you put it like that…" Logan frowned.

"No, Logan. Don't do that. Don't spare my feelings. It's not about me right now." I held his hands in mine. He looked at me with those deep brown eyes.

"I'm just trying to be pragmatic, Kendall."

"Hey, Einstein, in English please?" I joked.

"I mean I have to be smart about it. Don't get me wrong, there are moments that are great. But at the end of the day, I would rather be saving lives. I don't belong here. I just miss Minnesota, I guess. I miss the snow. I'm not a Hollywood type."

"I never wanted you to be. I'm _glad_ you aren't, in fact. You're my rock. You keep me sane."

"I know, but let's be realistic. I have to think of a serious career path for myself… for us, our future together. I mean, sure, being in a boy band now seems fine at our age, but then what? I'm not sure I'll feel the same way when I'm thirty, you know?"

"What, don't you want to be up onstage with me every night? Because I know I want you up there with me," I teased to lighten the moment. It worked; he smiled.

"Of course I do, you know that's not what I meant. I just think I should consider a back-up career just in case." I realized I hadn't put as much thought into my future as much as Logan had. He was definitely smarter than me in more ways than one. "You think I'm too uptight, don't you?" he frowned.

"No, of course not," I lied. Logan arched an eyebrow; I chuckled lightly and confessed, "Ok maybe a little, but I guess it's a good thing that one of us is the responsible one. You're just being, what's the word… _pragmatic_?" Logan smiled, knowing I was making an effort to understand and be supportive.

"You're so cute when you use more than monosyllable words," Logan cooed as he wrapped his arms around my waist, bringing me in for a kiss.

"Oh is that so? Well, in that case… pragmatic, pragmatic, pragmatic, pragmatic…" I playfully whispered, while receiving his kiss.

"Mmm, again!" Logan teased back, playing along.

"Pragmatic, pragmatic, pragmatic…" We couldn't help but giggle in between our kisses.

"I'm sorry, Kendall… I didn't mean to snap at you," his voice turned serious and apologetic.

"You didn't," I assured him.

"Well, I shouldn't have just stormed off on our family and friends." I smiled, realizing Logan addressed my mom and Katie as his family, too. "And I could have handled it better with you, too," he added.

"It's okay, babe. They'll understand. We all know you're just frustrated."

"Yeah, but still… How can I make it up to you?" Logan asked, seductively.

A smile emerged on my face. "Well I can think of one way…" I replied, glancing over to the bed. Logan's own smile confirmed my thoughts.

He led us to our bed and he fell on top of me, straddling me. He began grinding his hips back and forth, creating a delicious friction. I couldn't contain my moans. Logan threw his shirt off and slid his fingers under my shirt and gracefully removed it, as well. He quickly undid both our pants. We then both swiftly yanked our own jeans off, but when I looked back at Logan he had taken his boxers off too, leaving him completely in the nude… I guess he was really eager to have sex tonight. So I followed his lead and did the same. We collapsed back on the bed with Logan on top again, giving me a quick peck on the lips. Wasting no time, I felt his hand slide south, as he began stroking me with his warm soft hands—I let out a short gasp. My body was warming quickly with each stroke, and my breathing was accelerating. I knew I would fall apart in ecstasy if he didn't stop. But he did.

He stopped jerking me off and sat up, placing his hands on my chest and slightly elevated his body. He gave me a smirk before he lowered himself onto my hardened member; my eyes widened and my jaw dropped. Logan let out an incredible sexy moan. His warmth felt incredible in the winter's cold. He began to slowly move his body up and down the entire length of my shaft. He worked up a sensuous rhythmic movement, before adding in a back and forth motion that drove me crazy.

"Logan… I'm going to blow…" I whined.

"Don't, Kendall. Not yet," he commanded. I could feel the sweat from Logan's body trickling down onto me. I wanted to lick his beautiful glistening body. I whined quietly to myself again.

He began speeding up his movement, as I got a strong hold of his hips and began thrusting upwards, meeting his movement. My legs straightened, and my feet and toes flexed, trying to contain the pleasure from releasing too soon. Logan's lips were parted in a very seductive way, and his brows were furrowed as though he were concentrating on acing an exam. If this _was_ an exam, Logan passed with flying colors. Every thrust I delivered and every slam Logan sent back slowly pushed both of us closer to the edge. I could feel my body boiling… rising… as if I would pour over the rim of a glass. I knew Logan felt the same.

"Now, Kendall!" Logan instructed. And with the permission to erupt, I did. I released everything I had into Logan. All the build-up was worth it as we both cried out in pleasure. Logan came all over the both of us. Immediately after, Logan fell down, but quickly supported himself so he was just mere inches away from my face. I could feel his cool breath panting unevenly. I was also trying to catch my breath. I leaned up and gave him a big open mouth kiss, swirling my tongue with his. Then he lied next to me as our breathing finally returned to normal.

"Wow…" was all I could produce.

"Wow, indeed," Logan seconded, while stroking my hair, which was drenched in sweat, I'm sure.

"Now I get what all the fuss make up sex is about."

"Yeah, we should get into fights more often," Logan joked.

"Yeah, seriously…"

"Only let's not," Logan added.

"Not have make up sex?" I asked baffled.

"No, let's always have great sex," he pleaded, "but let's not fight, okay?"

"You know I would never want to upset you, Logie," I promised, while caressing his face.

"I don't want to upset you either," he grinned.

"But…" I began cautiously. Logan frowned. "We're in a relationship, Logie. No relationship is perfect; not even ours, even though I got to admit it feels pretty damn perfect right now. But things will come up and they will test us. We've already faced lots of obstacles, but we've gotten through them… together," I declared. Logan looked at me with earnest eyes.

"You're pretty smart, you know that?" He whispered.

"Not as smart as you," I chuckled, wrapping my arms around him. I wanted to treasure Logan the way he was meant to be treasured.

"Well… yeah, not nearly as smart as _me_," he said arrogantly, before I pinched his side. "Okay, okay! You're _almost_ as smart as me. Happy?"

"Close enough," I shrugged with a smile. I leaned in for a long kiss, until we heard—

"_You two kissed and have make up sex yet?"_ James and Carlos provoked from the other side of our door.

I grabbed one of my shoes lying on the floor and threw it at the door. I heard them snicker as they ran off. Logan blushed, but at least he smiled. I wrapped my arms around him again, and we snuggled up to each other, and we both soon drifted off to sleep. My last thought, before I closed my eyes, was that we had jumped over another hurdle in our relationship. I was relieved of that much. But I still wanted to do something more for Logan; to really take his mind off the whole internship thing and put him at ease…

The next morning Logan got dressed to go to Rocque Records to record his solo parts on a few new tracks. Initially, it was supposed to be both Logan and me that were scheduled for recording, but I had called Kelly earlier that morning and pretended to have the flu. It was a rather bad attempt—I've always been a terrible liar—so Kelly caught on pretty quickly. So I just told her the truth, and that was that I was planning something for Logan and me. She sighed heavily, but eventually after much begging, she gave in. She was even generous enough to say that she would come up with a better excuse to tell Gustavo, since my excuse was "amateur, at best, and Gustavo will see right through it," as she put it.

"I can't believe Kelly said you could have the day off," Logan shook his head in disbelief.

"I know! Crazy, right?" I mentally told myself to dial it down. Every time I lie my voice would raise a few octaves and give away my bluff. Logan eyed my suspiciously, but I guess it wasn't enough to figure out I was lying. I didn't even attempt to pretend to have the flu in front of Logan, because he would call me out on my lie in an instant. I also asked Kelly to cover for me, in case Logan asked why I was given the day off. I wondered what she had come up with.

"You're lucky. You, Carlos and James all get today off, while I have to deal with Gustavo alone. Luckily, it's only for a few hours today. And hopefully, he's in a decent mood," Logan sighed.

"Well, you better get going. Don't want to keep the boss man waiting! Love you!" I said, before giving him a kiss.

"Bye, love you too. Enjoy your day off for the both of us," Logan said with envy, before tossing on his coat.

"Will do." And with that Logan left, and I barged into James and Carlos' room. Carlos was still dead asleep, snoring rather loudly, while James was simultaneously brushing his teeth and picking out his outfit for the day. "Carlos! Get up! I need your and James' help."

"No need to fear, miss. I, El Hombre del Flaming Space Rock Man, will save you…" Carlos mumbled in his sleep.

"Does he do that often?" I asked James.

"Oh yeah, dude. All the time… You just gotta kick him," James advised. "Here, like this," James demonstrated, kicking Carlos right out of his bed.

"Did I wet the bed again, mommy?" Carlos panicked. I looked at James for an answer, but he simply shrugged. Carlos shook his head to clear it. "James! Stop kicking me when I'm sleeping!"

"Sorry, Carlos. It's my fault," I confessed. "I asked him to wake you up."

"What's wrong?" Carlos asked, rubbing his eyes.

"I need your guys' help. I wanted to do something special for Logan."

"Ooh, was the make-up sex bad?" James inquired.

"What? No, of course not! In fact, it was amazing. I mean, like, _really_ amazing," I bragged.

"Ew, gross, dude. Don't come into my room and parade your sex life," James squirmed.

"You're the one that asked!" I shook my head and got back on topic. "Nevermind. Look, I wanted to take a weekend with Logan and go snowboarding, but I need you guys to help me get everything from the sporting goods store. We only have a few hours before Logan gets back."

"I don't know, Kendall… I'm awfully busy…" James revealed, gargling water in his mouth. He always proved difficult when I needed his help.

"C'mon, James. Wasn't it just last night that you said to come to you guys if I needed anything?"

"Yeah, but I didn't think you'd really take me up on the offer!"

"James, please. For Logan?" I pleaded.

"Can't you just buy him a box of chocolate and an 'I'm sorry' card like the rest of us?" James asked.

"Yeah, 'cause that's real original, right?" I scoffed. "Carlos?" I looked over and Carlos had fallen back asleep. "Carlos!" I yelled, kicking him the same way James had.

"Would everyone please stop kicking _me_?"

"I'm sorry, buddy, but will you help me or not? I don't have a lot of time," I urged.

"Yeah, fine. But only if James is forced to come along, too," Carlos bargained.

"…James?" I rolled my eyes.

"Nope. Can't do," James stated coldly.

"Look, I just want to cheer him up since he didn't get accepted for the internship. You're his friend, too so I'm asking you to do this for him. And plus, I'll put in a good word for you to that blonde girl on the fourth floor that you like…" I baited.

James deliberated to himself for a moment and finally said, "Fine… I'll go with you to the stupid sporting goods store."

"Yes! Thank you, thank you!" I hugged James and Carlos. "I'll ask my mom if we can borrow her car!"

James and Carlos whined and argued the entire ride to the store. Maybe it was a bad idea to bring them after all. But, I wouldn't have been able to get everything done without their help. Or not as quickly, at least. I planned for Logan and me to leave the next day. I hoped to share the surprise with him that evening, so time was of the essence. Luckily, they stopped bickering when we stepped inside the store. Well, mostly…

"I still don't understand why you couldn't just have gone with James," Carlos groaned.

"Because, Carlos, James will end up flirting with some bimbos and get side-tracked like always," I reminded.

"Hey! I resent that!" James yelled.

"Yeah, you're right," Carlos agreed with me.

"_Hello_! Standing right here!" James hollered.

"Sorry," Carlos and I said in unison.

"Well if I'm _so_ terrible then why did you bring me along, huh?" James countered.

"_Because_, I need you to be here and stop Carlos when he gets overly excited and starts suggesting that I buy things I don't need," I prompted. James nodded in agreement.

"Hey! When have I ever done that?"

"Uhh, all the time, dude. You're like a chimpanzee with ADD on a sugar rush when we're out in public," James said bluntly.

"Am not!" Carlos defended.

"Are too!" James yelled back.

"Am not! _Ooh_! Shiny fishing poles!" And just like that Carlos ran off, proving our point.

"Great. Looks like it's just you and me, James," I huffed. I looked to my left and James had disappeared. "James?" I rolled my eyes when I spotted him talking to a couple of girls a few aisles down. "Looks like it's just me," I said to myself.

After about half an hour of frantically loading the shopping cart with snowboarding gear and attire, James and Carlos finally decided to join me.

"Okay, we're back. So what else do you need?" James asked, a little too late.

"To checkout," I stated flatly.

"What? You're done _already_?" Carlos asked in awe.

"Yeah! Where were you when I needed you guys earlier?"

"I was busy chatting with some pretty girls over there," James motioned, smiling and waving to said-girls. "I got the brunette's number," James gloated.

"And what were you doing?" I asked Carlos.

"I got a set of flame-proof kitchen utensils. See, look!" Carlos squealed, proudly holding it up.

"It'll match your lovely sippy cup perfectly," James said sardonically.

"Oh! You're right!" Carlos exclaimed, clearly missing James' sarcastic comment.

"I was joking! You and your sippy cup are stupid!" James insulted.

"_You're_ stupid!" Carlos yelled.

"You're stupider!" James countered.

"No, you're stupider!" Carlos remarked and then the two started slapping each other like little school girls.

"Geez, break it up, you two!" I refereed. "This is why I don't take either one of you anywhere," I admitted. "You two are like kids… Kids I never wanted. Now, can we _go_?"

"Fine," James grumbled.

"Fine," Carlos muttered, as well.

"And I don't want to hear a peep from either one of you on the way home, got it?" I warned.

"Yes, Kendall," Carlos and James moaned in unison. It really was like scolding children.

"Good," I said. Then I turned in the direction of the checkout lanes and as soon as I had my back facing Carlos and James, I heard them resume slapping and kicking each other. _Of course_, I thought to myself. I sighed and decided to just let the children duke it out.


	12. The Surprise

After another long ride—with James and Carlos bickering—we finally made it back to the Palm Woods. I kept glancing at the time, hoping to accomplish everything that needed to get done, before Logan got back.

"Why do_ I_ have to carry all the heavy stuff?" James complained as we entered the apartment.

"Well what's the point of all those bicep curls you do then?" I challenged.

"Where do you want me to put the snowboards, Kendall?" Carlos asked, pivoting his body and the length of one of the snowboard, almost knocking over some decorative vases in the process.

"Could you put them in my room for now? Thanks, Carlos."

"Sure thing!" He said, almost knocking down a lamp on an end table, too.

"Carefully! …Please," I called in his direction.

"I'm guessing you want these in your room, as well?" James asked dryly, pointing to a huge bag stuffed with snowboarding gear.

"Yes, for now, please," I instructed.

"For _now_? You plan on me carrying your things _again_?" James sassed.

"James, just do it please!" I commanded impatiently. He rolled his eyes but didn't put up a fight. "Thank you!" I shouted, as I dialed the number to make reservations for my and Logan's weekend getaway.

I prayed that they would not be completely booked. But after talking to a very chipper albeit ditzy concierge, she informed me that all the rooms at the lodge were booked. Even after much shameless pleading, flirting and, yes, even bribery, the concierge said there was nothing she could do.

"And you're extra, extra positive there's nothing else you can do?" I attempted a final time. "Did I mention that I'm from Big Time Rush?" I resorted. "Oh, I did? Ok, well thanks for trying anyway… You have a nice day, too. Bye," I frowned in defeat.

"So any luck with the reservations?" Carlos asked.

"No, they said they're booked solid for this weekend, and the next two weekends after this actually," I sighed.

"Well it is prime snowboarding time," James enlightened, bringing in the last bit of things from the car. "Did you tell them you're with Big Time Rush?"

"Yes, I mentioned that twice," I affirmed. "She said it's out of her hands. So…" I began. James eyed me suspiciously.

"Oh, no… I know that look. Whatever it is the answer is no!" James declared.

"C'mon, James! I'm sure you have someone in your contact list that could squeeze Logan and me in this weekend. Look, you owe me for your lack of help today. You _both_ do," I said switching my gaze to Carlos. Carlos chuckled nervously.

"We agreed as a favor! That doesn't count!" James insisted.

"Oh, yes it so counts! If you don't, then I'll tell the cute blonde girl on the fourth floor that you're unavailable!" I threatened.

"You wouldn't…" James gasped.

"James, why do you even care? You got a girl's number earlier!" Carlos reminded.

"That's not the point!" James defended. "Fine! I'll see what I can do," James finally gave in. "But! If I do this, you tell blondie on the fourth floor that I'm single and an amazing kisser."

"Yeah, yeah sure," I grimaced. "Just please get this done before Logan gets back from Rocque Records!" James mumbled something incoherent but started scrolling through his phone.

"And Carlos," I redirected. "I need you to go with my mom to get her a rental car, so I can borrow hers for this weekend."

"Why can't you just rent one for yourself, instead of switching with your mom?"

"Because, silly rabbit, you have to be at least 25 to rent a car, so only mom will be able to rent one out, and I'm already insured under my mom's car. Just do it," I said anxiously.

"Sounds like a lot of work," Carlos admitted, looking unsettled.

"Do you need me to write it down for you?" I patronized.

"Hey, if you're going to be rude then I don't want to help!" Carlos stuck out his tongue.

"Carlos, do I need to tell everyone about that one time in 6th grade when we were in the nurse's office, and you drank the 'lemonade'?" I reminded. Carlos glared at me.

"_You're_ the one that told me it was lemonade!" Carlos accused.

"I said I was sorry! Look, that's not the point. Please do this for me, buddy?"

"Fine… But Logan and James better not hear that story, you got it, Kendall?" Carlos warned.

"I promise," I said, holding up two fingers like a boy scout.

Carlos and I then split up. I went into my room to make sure nothing was destroyed getting from the car to the room. Plus, I wanted to start packing everything, so when Logan arrived home I would surprise him with the good news, and he wouldn't even have to lift a finger because everything would've already been done for him. I was rather proud of myself for orchestrating this whole thing with such little time. As much as I hate to admit it, I really couldn't have done it without James and Carlos' help though.

I dug out a large luggage from our closet; one that we had taken with us when we moved to L.A. I instantly got flashbacks of winter in Minnesota; snowfall that seemed endless, blanketing our town white, while the guys and I playing ice hockey… I smiled to myself and I became even more excited for the getaway with Logan.

I quickly grabbed whatever clean clothes we had thrown on top of what was once Logan's bed, and packed it in the luggage. I picked up one last piece of clothing—a blue sweater that belonged to Logan. I'd always liked how it looked on him; how it complemented his pale skin and dark hair. The irony of clothing is when something looks good on Logan, it only encouraged the idea of ripping them off him. James and Carlos barged through the door as I tucked the blue sweater in the overstuffed luggage.

"Ok, so I have good news and I have bad news," James started. "Bad news is that the concierge you spoke with was being honest when she said the lodge is totally booked."

"So what's the good news?" I asked impatiently.

"Good news is that a nearby motel just had a booked cancellation, so now there's a room available. They said that you would have to act fast because everyone's making last minute reservations, so they're not sure how long it'll stay available."

"Well, call them back and let's book it before someone else does!"

"Here's the thing, it's not the nicest of motels…" James cautioned. I deliberated for a second, but ultimately I knew that if James said there were no other alternatives, then that was my only choice. He had more connections than Logan, Carlos and I combined, so I trusted him when he said he asked everywhere.

"I guess I have no other choice," I groaned. "Anywhere will do at this point."

"Cool," James sighed from relief.

"Ok, my turn!" Carlos redirected my attention.

"Yes, so were you and mom able to rent a car at the last minute?" I asked.

"Yep! We rented your mom a Ford Fiesta, so now her car is all yours this weekend. Oh! And I filled her car up already, so your getaway with Logan is all set, my friend!" Carlos smiled, looking rather proud of himself. I looked at him and James with such gratitude and threw my arms around both of them.

"Thank you so much, guys… You really came through."

"Oh, it's what we do…" said James rather modestly for a change. "I'll call them back right now and book the room under your name," James confirmed. "Oh, and don't forget to talk to blondie on the fourth floor for me," James added before ducking out of the room. I simply rolled my eyes, but I knew he would be smart enough to figure out that was my way of saying yes.

"Well, I'll let you finish packing all yours and Logan's things," Carlos said, before exiting the room.

"Cool, thanks. Oh, and hey, thanks again for everything, Carlos," I stated.

"Hey, that's what friends are for. I hope Logan will be thrilled when he finds out."

"Me, too, buddy," I said with a smile. Carlos smiled back then closed the bedroom door on his way out.

Time flew as I gathered and packed everything. Mom brought my dinner to my room, and I scarfed it down as double-checked to be sure I didn't forget anything. I wanted us to be ready to go as soon as we woke up the next morning. I was ready to be alone with Logan for a full 48 hours. As I zipped up the luggage and my duffle bag, I heard Logan's voice coming from the front door. _Perfect timing_, I thought.

I went out to greet him and noticed everyone else was staring at him, too. I looked at everyone's faces and wondered why they had on such big smiles. I knew why _I_ was smiling, but I didn't realize that mom, Katie, Carlos and James were all just as excited for Logan's surprise. In that moment, I loved them all even more for loving my boyfriend to that degree.

"Why's everyone smiling?" Logan asked, slightly grinning nervously. He scanned all of us suspiciously. He obviously caught on right away to the strangeness of our family and friends like I did.

"Oh, nothing!" They all responded and shook their heads in unison. Logan stared at the increasingly odd behavior. He looked at me, hoping for a rational answer. Instead, I walked to him and gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"How was your day, Logie?" I asked, taking his coat off.

"Actually… not too bad, I gotta say. Gustavo only yelled at me once, so that's got to be a new record, right?" Logan joked. We all laughed; I was glad that Logan was in a better mood today.

"Well, I'm glad you had a good day. And I'm hoping I can make it an even better day," I smirked.

"Oh, yeah…?" Logan looked up at me from his beneath his lashes. I was taken aback by how flirty his tone was, especially in front of our family and friends. Suddenly, I had to gulp _hard_.

I tried to keep my voice even, so Logan wouldn't attempt to seduce me in front of everyone again, because honestly if he had, I would have probably ripped his clothes off and had sex with him on the living room floor regardless of who was watching.

"Yeah, I… we…" I corrected, "have a surprise for you."

"A surprise?" His tone had changed again. He seemed genuinely confused.

"Yep," I answered, while taking both his hands and leading him to the room. Mom, Katie, Carlos and James all followed behind us. I saw that Logan looked slightly excited, anxious and baffled all at once, before I opened the door in a dramatic fashion.

"Surprise!" All of us yelled.

"Whoa… what's all this?" Logan asked as he took in sight of the snowboards and all the accompanying gear that Carlos, James and I had arranged all over our room. "And the luggage…" Logan began, looking more confused. "Kendall, are you going somewhere?"

"No, not me. Us," I corrected, interlocking our fingers. "You and I are going to Mammoth Mountain for the weekend!" Logan looked astonished. Somehow the bit of excitement in his face slowly faded… as did mine.

"_Well_?" James and Carlos chimed in enthusiastically. They didn't seem to get the impression that Logan wasn't as excited as we had all pictured.

"Kendall, please tell me this isn't because of me getting rejected for the internship," Logan said.

"Well… It's…" I didn't know how to reply. In my mind, I would surprise Logan and he would be so ecstatic that he would throw his arms around me and accept the gift—simple as that. I hadn't plan on him questioning my motive. The truth was, of course it had a _little_ to do with him not getting accepted for the internship. I wanted to cheer my boyfriend up. I didn't think that was so wrong.

"What's wrong, Logan?" Mom jumped in when she realized I was floundering and speechless. "Do you not like snowboarding anymore, sweetie?" She looked slightly worried. Even mom was thrown off by Logan's reaction.

"Oh, no, please don't think that Mrs. Knight! I'm so grateful for all of this; I truly am. But you guys really didn't have to."

"Well, they _were_ a huge help, but I'm paying for the trip, not them; if that makes you feel any better," I joked. I was hoping maybe humor would work instead. "And Katie didn't do anything at all, if that helps too," I added bluntly.

"Hey! I helped!" Katie defended. "Well, okay… maybe not, but I'm here for moral support!"

"Thanks, everyone, but I think a vacation this weekend is a bad idea anyway. Today Gustavo even said how we're behind production schedule," Logan attempted at a lame excuse. I seriously had no clue why Logan was acting the way he did.

"C'mon, Logan. It's just for the weekend," I pleaded with him.

"Kendall, you really didn't have to. I told you last night that I'm fine. Really," Logan whispered. I could sense that our family and friends were starting to feel uncomfortable and so they decided to leave Logan and me alone.

"Okay, so do you want to tell me what's really going on now?" I asked, once everyone had left the room.

"Please, Kendall…" he begged me with those big brown eyes of his. "Please don't turn this into a big deal."

"I'm not the one who's turning this into a big deal, Logan!" My voice raised a few decibels. I didn't realize I was upset until the words came out. Logan looked defenseless. I instantly felt bad and wanted to retract my claws, but at the same time I was starting to feel slightly hurt by his ingratitude, not only towards me but also to our friends that helped put this together.

"I'm grateful. I really am. But I don't deserve this," he claimed.

"What do you mean you don't deserve this? It's not about what I think you deserve, it's what I want for both of us. Don't you want a weekend alone with me?"

"Yes, more than anything, Kendall," Logan stated, grabbing my hands.

"Then act like it!" I yelled. Logan flinched at my words.

"I'm sorry, Kendall. Please don't be mad at me. I just need you to trust me when I say I don't deserve this, okay?" Logan begged of me.

"Why do you keep throwing the word 'deserve' around?" I yelled infuriated. I knocked down one of the snowboards out of frustration. Logan jumped. "You keep on acting like this, Logan Mitchell, then soon you won't be deserving of any of your friends. Or me, for that matter," I attacked. Logan looked ready to fall apart at any moment, but my anger overtook my compassion in the moment. But, I still softened my voice, "Look, I'm sorry… I didn't mean what I said. But if you don't want to go then just forget it, alright?"

"Kendall, please…" Logan whimpered. I couldn't look at him. I knew I would break down if I did—I loved him too much—so I stormed out of the room. I was too pissed to stay there; I was afraid if I stayed I would say more hurtful things that I would later regret.

"Sweetie, what happened?" Mom asked as I dashed past everyone. I couldn't even look at her or my friends. I just needed to get some air.

I smashed the elevator buttons not realizing that Katie had followed me.

"Go away, Katie. I'm just getting some air," I said a bit too coldly. I then felt like a jerk for giving my family and friends the brush off when they had done no wrong.

"Look, I know you're probably really angry, but there has to be a rational explanation for all of this," Katie ranted.

"Huh?" I grew impatient by the second. _Did the damn elevator always take this long?_ I wondered.

"Don't you find it strange?" Katie asked vaguely.

"Find what strange, Katie? I'm not in the mood for riddles," I snapped. She seemed unfazed though, or at least she was trying to keep a strong front.

"Well, last night when Logan received his admission's letter, he ripped it up before mom could even reach for it, and now he's acting all weird that you've planned an awesome getaway for him. Something's not adding up," Katie concluded.

"What are you trying to tell me? That Logan has some secret agenda?" I scoffed. Finally! The elevator doors opened.

"I don't know, but I'm going to find out, big brother," Katie declared. She really would not let herself give up on Logan. The thought made me proud of her as a brother, but slightly annoyed as Logan's boyfriend, especially after the argument.

"Alright, well you go play detective, little sister," I patronized. Then, I slid into the elevator and watched as the doors closed on Katie, clearly in deep thought.

I zoomed past everyone, not making eye contact with anyone until I reached the pool. The outside was freezing, but my anger would keep me warm enough, I'm sure. I plopped down on one of the lounge chairs and let out a deep frustrated sigh. _What went wrong?_ I thought to myself. It wasn't how I imagined the night turning out. I gazed off into the pool, watching the cold water undulate and suddenly a memory of Logan and I sprung up. I remembered how we used to secretly hold hands under the pool when our friends weren't looking. I remembered how great it felt to have any physical contact with him, how everything petty seemed to disappear when I touched him. Back then we were both so scared of getting caught, yet secretly, I wanted to be caught so badly, so Logan and I wouldn't have to hide our romance any longer. I was enjoying the image when a voice broke my reverie.

"Bro… why the long face?"

"It's nothing, Guitar Dude," I downplayed.

"Doesn't look like nothing, dude. Maybe I should sing you a song to cheer you up, bro!" Guitar Dude suggested.

"Not now, Guitar Dude," I warned.

"Aw, c'mon, bro. Everyone could use a good song to cheer up!" Guitar Dude pressed.

"I said, Not. Now. Guitar. Dude." I hissed.

"Whoa… alright, man. Take it easy…" Guitar Dude backed off. I felt bad for the way I acted. It was like I didn't know how to function without Logan, like I didn't know how to be decent without his presence. It was still no excuse to ignore mom and snap at Katie and Guitar dude, though. Maybe getting fresh air wasn't such a good idea after all. After a final deep inhale and exhale of the cold winter's air, I headed back upstairs.

When I got back, James and Carlos were playing video games in the living room and mom was cleaning the kitchen. Katie must have been in full detective mode around the Palm Woods. I gave them a quick nod, and went to my bedroom. Logan was lying down facing the wall when I entered. He shot straight up when he heard me come in.

"Hey," he breathed. I noticed the snowboard that I had knocked over during my outburst earlier, had been put back upright. I made a conscious effort to not be so harsh with Logan, even though I was still pretty pissed.

"Hey," I replied blandly.

"Where did you go?" Logan asked, sincerely worried. Why did he have to be so damn adorable? It made being upset more difficult.

"Just to get some fresh air. Some fresh, freezing _cold_ air," I clarified. This made him laugh.

He probably wasn't sure where he stood with me in the moment, so he spoke with unease.

"You can come under the covers and warm up, if you want," Logan suggested cautiously. His tone didn't register any sexual invitation or even mild flirtation, just a genuine concern for my well-being. I obliged and sat at the side of our bed, but with my back facing him.

I looked down at my hands; they were still slightly red from the cold. I felt Logan drape a blanket around me. I lied down after the warmth surrounded my body. I could see in the corner of my eye that Logan was looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to say or do something. I wasn't sure what else to say. Other than last night, this was our first big fight. The difference was this time I wasn't ready to forgive him. My words would probably only come out hostile if I didn't let myself sleep on it. So I did the most sensible thing I could think of in that moment, which was to just turn away from Logan. I could almost hear the hurt and disappointment in Logan's low sigh. Then he shifted his weight and he turned around, too, so that he was facing the wall again.

But finally—with his face still facing the wall—Logan whispered, "Kendall, if it means that much to you then I'll go to Mammoth Mountain with you tomorrow."

I was hurt that he seemed to still be missing the point. I wanted him to _want_ to go, but I didn't say anything else but, "That's fine with me."

And that was that. No more words were exchanged. No holding, no touching, no kissing and no make-up sex. We were two lovers sleeping back to back, with no better understanding of the situation. I could only hope the day would bring resolution.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So this was a very interesting chapter to write, because up until this point Logan could do no longer in Kendall's eyes, but this time we see a very angry and hurt Kendall. Will this affect their getaway? I can't wait to share the next few chapters with all of you. Things will definitely change, is all that I will say. **

**Please review and let me know what you think!**


	13. Black & White

**A/N: Alright, so as promised I have a new chapter for all of you this week. This is a continuation from the last chapter, so I suggest reading that first in order for this chapter to make sense, but I would hope that you've read all of the chapters up til now for ANY of this to make sense lol. **

**Anywho, I call this chapter "Black & White" (originally it was titled "Truth & Lies") because it deals with the consequences of secrets and lies. Lies aren't always so black and white. Sometimes they're meant to protect people we care about, but does it justify it? Are white lies acceptable? I also decided last minute to change the title because when I pictured the opening of this chapter, it was in black and white in my mind, so I thought it felt appropriate to call it as such. **

**Hope you like. Please R&R. Chapter 14 is done, but I won't post it until next weekend, like usual. Enjoy!**

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><p>"Kendall?" A faint voice called out to me. "Kendall, I don't see you." The voice belonged to Logan. But that's all it was—his voice. I couldn't see him either.<p>

"Logan! Stay there, I'm coming for you!" I instructed anxiously. I had to be dreaming because I was running, but barely able to pick up speed.

The atmosphere was incredibly dark and I was only able to see flurries of something falling. Snow, perhaps? Whatever it was, the whiteness of it was a sharp contrast to the bleakness of everything else. I ran cautiously, not knowing exactly where I was going, but my worries for Logan's safety outweighed my own. I started to accelerate my legs and I was soon running a full on sprint. I had to reach Logan. I couldn't leave him alone in the dark abyss. Soon my eyes were able to make out a shadowy figure that resembled Logan in the distance.

"Logan!" I cried out. I charged my body forward, but as soon as I reached out to the shadowy figure my eyelids flew open. I glanced around the room, noticing Logan wasn't in bed. The luggage, my duffle bag and all the snowboarding equipment were missing, too. I bolted up and threw the covers off. The dream scared me—I had to make sure Logan was all right.

When I walked out into the living room, mom was wiping down the kitchen counter and Carlos and James were sitting at the table sipping on what I assumed was hot chocolate.

"Morning, Kendall!" Carlos chirped.

"Morning," I acknowledged. "Has anyone seen Logan?"

"I'm right here," Logan replied, walking in from the front door in a puffer coat. I let out a small sigh of relief. I may have overreacted; after all, it was just a dream, but the thought of losing Logan shook me to the core. It was reassuring to see him, even with our fight last night. "Everything's loaded up into your mom's car," Logan spoke softly. "Carlos and James were nice enough to help me earlier this morning."

I glanced over at James and Carlos; both smiled nervously at me. I cleared my throat and thanked them awkwardly. Did this mean we were still going after all? I caught mom nodding at me from the kitchen, as if mentally answering my thought like usual.

"Uhh, I guess let me go brush my teeth and change really quickly then," I requested. I ran back into the bedroom and threw on the outfit I had set aside for today, while brushing my teeth and running a comb through my nest of a hair. I felt the residual anger from last night still in my system, but as I washed my face, the anger subsided and I started to feel the excitement bubbling inside of me. I just wished Logan would be as excited. _Maybe once we get there, he'll have a change of heart_, I thought. "Alright, I'm ready," I announced when I got back to the living room.

"I guess we're going to head out then," Logan nodded to everyone. I then realized Katie had been absent the whole time.

"I'll miss ya buddy!" Carlos squealed, giving Logan a tight bear hug. Logan smiled, and patted Carlos' back.

"I'll miss you too, Carlos. And thanks again for everything."

"See ya, man," James said to me, giving me a quick manly hug. He wasn't one for sentiments.

"See ya, James. And I'll talk to the blonde on the fourth floor before we leave," I promised. Carlos and James then switched, and I received a rib-crushing hug from Carlos, who practically sobbed into my chest.

"Carlos… It's going to be alright. We're just leaving for the weekend," I rolled my eyes.

"Bye, Mrs. Knight," Logan smiled to mom, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Bye, sweetie. You boys take care and be safe, promise?" Mom tenderly warned.

"Promise," Logan nodded then gave her a tight hug.

I walked over to mom, who looked misty-eyed.

"Mom…" I said, feigning embarrassment. "Don't you get all weepy on me, too."

"What? I'm not allowed?" She said, getting teary. "I'm a mother. My job's to worry about you boys."

"We'll be fine," I consoled.

"Drive safely," she sternly cautioned. She probably wasn't comfortable with the idea of her teenage son driving her car to a snowy mountain.

"I promise I'll take care of the car."

"You think I care about the car, Kendall? I'm worried about you, silly! Just come back in one piece. Got it, mister?" She demanded.

"Yes, mom. I love you," I replied before kissing her forehead like I normally do. With that, Logan and I waved to everyone once more and closed the door behind us. "Oh, do you mind if I stop by the fourth floor really quickly? I promised James I would put in a good word for him to the cute blonde girl," I confessed. Logan chuckled lightly.

"No, go ahead. I'll go warm up the car. Just meet me there," Logan replied. We were standing close enough for me to take in his delicious scent; that clean wintry mix of pine and fresh-fallen snow. I was intoxicated by his scent. Looking at his mouth, I wanted to move in for a kiss, but the timing felt inappropriate. _Were we technically still fighting?_ I wondered pettily.

Logan took the elevator down, while I ran up the stairs. I knocked on the door, hoping I remembered the right apartment. Luckily, I did.

"Lisa!" I enthused when she opened the door.

"Kendall? Hey, what's up?" She asked tentatively.

"Hey, sorry to bother you, but you know my friend James; tall, dark and handsome kind of guy?" I flattered for his benefit.

"Yeah," Lisa smiled, seemingly interested. This was a good sign. "What about him?"

"Well, I'm not sure if you're single, but I happen to know that _he_ is single and finds you very, very cute," I smirked. "Oh, and did I mention that he's _really_ funny, too?" I added.

"Well, tell your friend I think he's really cute, too," she blushed.

"Of course. But, better yet, why don't I give you his phone number so you can tell him yourself," I winked, handing her James' number I conveniently wrote on a Post-It.

"Thanks, Kendall," Lisa beamed.

"Of course. And have a good weekend."

"You, too," she smiled before closing the door. Mission accomplished. Now to get on with my free weekend.

I pressed the elevator door and when I turned around Katie appeared.

"Geez, Katie!" I squealed. "You have _got_ to stop doing that!"

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you," Katie apologized. "But I have something important to tell you."

"Can it wait until I get back? Logan's waiting in the car for me," I asked impatiently.

"No, it can't because it's _about_ Logan," Katie clarified.

"What, another one of your theories, Katie?" I rolled my eyes.

"No, not theory. Proof," Katie stated. "I managed to put the letter back together." Katie pulled out a sheet of paper that looked more like a jigsaw puzzle than a letter.

"You're holding me up from my weekend getaway because of some letter… that you found in the trash?" I asked drily. Katie flicked my forehead. "Ow! Katie! What was that for?"

"I love you, big brother, but you're an idiot!" Katie stated bluntly. "Don't you get it? It's Logan's _acceptance_ letter. He never got rejected in the first place!"

"Katie, how in the world did you not only find the letter, but put it back together?"

"Buddha Bob helped me. Let's just saying dumpster diving isn't as fun as everyone makes it out to be," Katie shivered. "And you'll be surprised by how much you can do with a little Scotch tape and a lot of patience."

I took the letter from her to verify it was legitimate.

"He… lied?"

"I'm afraid so, big brother," she said regretfully.

"But why would he lie about not getting in? He's wanted this for years," I asked aloud.

"Same reason why he moved to L.A. For you," Katie answered. And I knew immediately that she was right. As much as I hated the thought that Logan gave up his dream for me, I knew this was the reason why he ripped up the letter. He may not have completely thought it through, but he had always acted impulsively out of passion for me, while sacrificing his own dream.

"Thank, Katie," I said in a low voice.

I stepped into the elevator and right before the door closed Katie said, "Don't be mad at him, Kendall."

She looked sincerely worried. Katie loved Logan; she would hate to see us get torn apart. Her timing may have been awful, but I was grateful that she revealed the truth.

But now that I knew the truth I wasn't sure how I felt. Was I even still mad? Should I have more reason to be upset? Or was the truth enough to make sense of the past few days—on why Logan had been acting so strange—that all could be forgiven? Or was I more upset because I had to hear the truth from Katie, instead of my boyfriend? I left the Palm Woods with lingering thoughts of truth and lies. _What constitutes a 'necessary' lie? If it's a white lie, does it make it okay? Does telling the truth versus telling a lie always have to be so black and white? _

I hopped into the driver's seat, with Logan already in the passenger side. He had warmed up the car up so it was nice and toasty. It felt good to get out of the cold, but now that we were sitting side by side, the tension was palpable.

"Everything okay?" Logan asked.

"Yeah, it's nothing," I shook my head. I wasn't sure if he could read my expression; he was very good at that. Or maybe he was just trying to make small talk and wanted to know how everything went with Lisa. "Let's get going so we can try to make it there before sundown," I said in a low voice.

"Are you sure you don't want me to drive?" Logan offered.

"No, I got it," I responded a bit too defensively. Why was I so hurt? It felt irrational. Logan didn't say anything else. He just looked straight ahead as I drove away from the Palm Woods.

We drove mostly in silence. Every now and then Logan would comment on a funny billboard or funny license plates, but mostly we just kept the music loud enough to avoid too much of an awkward silence. I noticed the clouds darkening. I wondered if we would see snow once we got out of L.A.

After a few hours of driving, I stopped us at a remote diner off the interstate, once Logan and I decided we were hungry enough. It was a typical American diner; full of travelers and some truckers. The décor was minimal and the place smelled of coffee, cigarettes and ham. We seated ourselves at a booth with a window so I could keep an eye on mom's car. Plus, I really was hoping to see some snow.

A haggard looking lady, wearing glasses that hung low on her nose and with boobs that sagged down most of her torso, approached us. I inspected her nametag and it read Bertha. Could this diner be any more cliché?

"What can I get ya, fellas?" She asked unenthusiastically, looking at her pen and pad more than trying to make eye contact with us.

"Go ahead," I said to Logan.

"Um, I guess I'll try… your Ham & Egg Melt. But I was wondering if you guys could use organic eggs instead, and if I could also substitute the sourdough bread for whole grain?" Typical Logan. So adorable though, I had to admit.

"Look, pretty boy, we ain't gots none of that fancy organic produce you have stocked in your fridge," Bertha declared flatly.

"Whatever is fine," Logan whimpered. "And a water, please," he added sheepishly, handing the menu back to Bertha.

"And for you, Blondie?"

Gee, I just love a good nickname…

"I'll take a BLT with onion rings. And a Dr. Pepper, please," I ordered.

"Our soda machine ain't working, so you'll have to order something else, Blondie."

"Seems like nothing likes to work around here," I mumbled. Logan snorted.

"What was that?" Bertha questioned.

"I said; I'll have an orange juice, please," I smiled, handing my menu back. She glared at me, looking annoyed.

Logan and I giggled as Bertha walked away. It was nice to share a private joke with him again.

"Definitely not Manelli's, huh?" Logan chuckled softly.

"Definitely not," I seconded, laughing. I then thought of our last date at Manelli's. It was such a great date. Excellent food… excellent service… soda machines that actually worked… Ahh, and the bathroom sex with Logan wasn't too shabby either… I then recall that was also the night Jo showed up at our apartment unannounced. I shivered at the uncomfortable memory.

Then I remembered that I had lied to Logan back then, about telling Jo that he and I had been dating. She came back from New Zealand thinking I was still single, let alone that I was still straight. Talk about an awkward night. But in retrospect, the situation only made Logan and me stronger. I had been dishonest—even if I lied only by omission—it was still dishonest. And now I was being a hypocrite for being upset with Logan for lying about the acceptance letter. I just hated the thought that he kept sacrificing his dreams for me.

"Ham & Egg Melt," Bertha announced, breaking me from my thoughts. She plopped the plate down in front of Logan. "BLT," she continued, plopping my plate down in front of me ungracefully. I sure hope she didn't hear my smartass comment earlier. I would hate for any of her spit to end up in my already delicious looking sandwich.

I eyed Logan and then down at his melt. He did the same to me and my BLT.

"You first," we both said at the same time. He laughed at the private joke.

"Alright, I'll take one for the team," I joked as I bit into my BLT. I scrunched my face and grimaced dramatically. "_Yum_," I feigned, giving a thumbs up. That made Logan smile.

"Not poisonous?" Logan played along.

I deliberated for a moment and asked, "Define 'poisonous'?" That time Logan laughed. It was nice to hear his musical laugh again. "Ok, your turn," I challenged.

"Here goes nothing," Logan sighed before taking a big bite of his melt. He made a few mocking _Mmm_'s as he chewed with his mouth closed. I couldn't help but laugh… and get turned on by the way his mouth moved.

Then we both reached for the salt shaker at the same time, and our fingers briefly touched before we both pulled our hands back.

"Sorry," I blushed. "Go ahead."

"Thanks," he smirked.

We sat there and ate ravenously. The shitty diner food tasted good in our hungry conditions, even though we had made fun of it moments earlier. Once our bellies were full, we paid the oh-so lovely Bertha and were on our way again.

"That was fun," Logan said as we drove back onto the interstate.

"Yeah, fun…" I rolled my eyes.

"No, I'm serious. Even if the food sucked, and our waitress was horrible, I still had a good time," Logan admitted. I guess he was right. It was nice to ease the tension between the two of us that had been building for the past few days.

"Yeah, actually, I gotta admit it was definitely an interesting experience," I said. Then I looked over and Logan was staring at me with those endlessly deep brown eyes. I swallowed hard.

"How much farther until we get to the motel?" Logan asked suggestively. Or maybe I was reading too much into his tone, but if I didn't know any better, I would say Logan was thinking what I was thinking.

"Uhh, not far," I gulped again. I don't know why I was suddenly nervous. Even when our hands touched at the diner, it was like surge of electricity filled my body instantly. No one but Logan has ever made my body react the way it did. "Did you want to try to go snowboarding a bit before we actually head to the room, though?" I suggested, trying to keep the topic from getting too sexual.

"We can just go tomorrow. By the time we get to the slopes it'll be late anyway. Besides, I'm beat," Logan announced, stretching his entire body in the seat. I couldn't help but look as his shirt and coat lifted a few inches, revealing his perfect physique.

"Right. Good idea," I smiled to myself. I stepped on the gas a little faster.

By the time we got to the motel, the sun had just barely gone down. I'm glad Logan suggested we come straight to the motel tonight—for several reasons… We got our room key and located room 204.

"Second floor. Just like back at the good ol' Palm Woods," Logan joked.

I flicked the light switch on and saw the old wooden panels that wrapped around the bottom half small room, contrasted with a hideous dark green wall paper on the top half. The carpet was heavily stained from who knows what, and half the ceiling looked like it had been spackled over to cover water damage and holes over the years. The room had a lingering smell of tobacco, booze and a conspicuous recent spritz of Febreze that failed at masking the odor.

There was a petite nightstand that had a vintage looking phone, phonebook and bible all resting upon it. Then I noticed the bed. It was swathed in a thick maroon quilt with a faint, girly floral pattern. James wasn't kidding when he said the place was a shithole. Okay, maybe those weren't his _exact_ words… I knew with how packed Mammoth Mountain was going to be this weekend that we were lucky there was _anything_ available, so I shouldn't have nit-picked too much.

"Sorry…" I muttered sheepishly. "I know it's not the most desirable of rooms, but nothing else was available last minute."

"No, don't apologize, Kendall," Logan said as he set the duffle bag down. "I've seen worse. Besides…" he began. "We'll just have to make the most of it," he added seductively, leaning back on the bed. My blood rushed south immediately.

"Let's check out the bathroom," I cleared my throat. Logan blinked. "See, this isn't so bad," I stated when I saw the bathroom. I lied. It was worse.

The toilet boil was a retro, pale pink color; something you'd see from the 80s. What was with all the femininity in this room? Was it designed with one of the Golden Girls in mind? And the green wallpaper from the main room continued on into the bathroom. And the sink looked like it had seen better days. On the bright side, the shower looked like it had recently been replaced.

"We can make this work, right?" I asked enthusiastically.

"Yeah, of course," Logan looked at me wickedly. I don't even think he actually heard a thing I said. He simply stared longingly at me with those brown eyes of his. Again, why was I so nervous?

Then, unexpectedly, Logan pulled the back of neck and lowered me down to his level for a deep drawn out kiss. I felt his tongue slip inside of my mouth, and I matched his movement. He tasted like heaven. It had only been a day that I'd gone without kissing him, yet it felt longer. I kissed him with a raw urgency; as if it was the last kiss. I wanted more—much more. I wanted to devour him, and then take him over to the ugly She-bed and make passionate love to him until the sun came up. But the lie still plagued my mind. I knew it wouldn't stop until I got it off my chest. So I pushed myself away from him.

"Sorry," he sighed, looking insanely sexy and baffled at the same time. "I didn't know if you were still mad, but I had to do that."

"Logan, I'm not mad. Even if I was mad, I'm not anymore. Not after that kiss," I admitted.

"Really?" Logan arched an eyebrow and bit his lower lip. "Then let's keep going." Damn, he really wasn't playing fair. I extended my arms and held him back from giving me another kiss.

"We need to talk first. I need you to clear something up… Or it'll bother me the entire night," I confessed.

"Okay. What is it?" Logan asked, ditching the seductive tone in his voice and adopting a more serious one. "What do you want to talk about?"

"About why you lied about not getting accepted into the internship."


	14. The Gift

**A/N: This chapter picks off right where the last chapter left off, so I'd suggest reading the previous chapter (_Black & White_) before this one. Hope you enjoy! Please read and review!**

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><p>"Wh-What are talking about?" Logan stuttered.<p>

"Don't lie to me, Logan. Don't insult me like that," I stated.

He looked at me with those large brown eyes and a tightened jaw.

"How did you even find out?"

"Katie," I said flatly.

"What do you want me to tell you?" Logan asked through a shaky voice. He knew he had been caught.

"The truth."

"We've already had this discussion. Why are you bringing it up again?" He was trying to change the subject. I wasn't going to let him off the hook that easily.

"I'm bringing it up again because my boyfriend decided to lie to me… to his friends. Why didn't you tell me?"

"What would be the point, Kendall? It's my decision. It's done," Logan said, walking away from me.

"No, Logan," I said, going after him. "Please don't shut me out again." I made sure my tone didn't come off as aggressive. I wanted him to know I wasn't trying to attack him; that I was just trying to understand.

"Again, it's my decision. Why does everyone suddenly care whether or not I get into med school?" He turned his back and crossed his arms—unconsciously shutting me out—doing the one thing I asked him not to.

"We've always cared," I reassured. I knew Logan was just frustrated, so I didn't take his demeanor personally. Instead, I wrapped my arms around him. Logan rolled his eyes, but not because of the sentimental gesture, I don't think, but because of his own behavior. "Talk to me?" I pleaded, resting my chin on his shoulder. Logan slowly unfolded his arms and touched his hand against my forearm, letting out a soft sigh.

"I applied for that internship months ago, not really thinking about what would happen if I actually got accepted," Logan finally opened up. "Of course, a part of me wanted to get accepted, but I guess another part of me wanted to get rejected. I didn't even allow myself to think about it either way, because it stressed me out too much every time I did. But then the other night when I opened the letter and read that I had been accepted, I wasn't sure how to react. I got scared. So I lied about not getting in. Then you planned all of this for us and I just felt incredibly guilty."

"Why do you think you felt like you had to lie though?" I asked.

"I don't know," Logan shrugged. "I mean, on the one hand, if I got rejected, it would have sucked, because let's face it, who likes rejection?" Logan asked rhetorically. I nodded in agreement. "But if that were the case, the decision would have been made for me. No fuss. But now that I got accepted, well…"

"You would have to choose between that or us," I finished for him, finally coming to this realization. Could there be a more selfless person on the face of the Earth? Was he really willing to toss away his dream for me—_again_?

"I guess. I don't really like to see it that way."

"But that's what you're thinking, right?" I questioned curiously. Logan shrugged. "I just want to figure out what's going on inside that beautiful head of yours. Nothing you say will offend me," I promised him.

"Maybe…" he began sheepishly. "Ok, yes," he finally admitted. "I know I'm acting like a child, and I have no right to complain about anything in life; after all, I have you. Kendall, you're everything to me; how can I possibly whine about something so insignificant, when all I'd ever dreamed of is standing right in front of me. If only everyone in the world could be as lucky as I am to have someone like you."

_I_ was everything _he_ dreamed of? Did he not realize that every day I woke up needing to pinch myself to remind myself that someone as beautiful as him—in every definition of the word—wanted to be with me? Without saying anything, I grabbed the sides of his face and kissed him hard on the mouth.

"What was that for?" Logan breathed.

"For reminding me how lucky _I_ am to have you. Listen to me, Logan. You have to take that internship. You even said yourself that all their interns are automatically placed in the field afterwards. It'll change your life."

"No, Kendall. I told you I've decided. I want to stay with you." I could see the internal conflict playing in Logan's eyes.

"And you will. You may be physically gone, but we're still together. And we'll keep staying together," I reassured.

"Why are you saying this? I didn't think you would want me to go," Logan shook his head in confusion.

"Logan, you've made so many decisions for me—for my benefit—without me even realizing most of them at the time. So now I'm making a decision for you. You _need_ to do this. Do something for yourself, for once. Stop worrying about trying to make everyone else happy… including me."

"Kendall, I—" he began, but I interrupted him.

"No, let me finish." I cupped his angelic face and looked him in the eyes and said, "My happiness comes from your happiness. Take that internship."

"You're serious," he didn't say it as a question. I nodded anyway to be sure he'd make the right choice. "And you're okay with this… with me leaving the band… me leaving you?" His voice shook at the last part.

I swallowed and whispered, "Yes."

Now I was the liar. The truth was I wasn't sure if I was ready to see Logan leave. I was much too selfish and wanted him with me forever. I wasn't Logan.

Logan was a boy so selfless that he'd give up his whole career path if it meant that his friends could have theirs. I wasn't half the person Logan was; never could be. He was a true saint. But in that moment, I realized that I needed to lie to him. He'd given me so much… all the sacrifices he had made. It tore me knowing most, if not all, of those sacrifices were a result of me. Now I had to be the selfless one and make a sacrifice… even if the sacrifice meant losing him. This was my one gift to him.

He gave me a skeptical look, but I put on a Poker face so he wouldn't be able to see the anguish I was dealing with internally.

"I'm serious," I stated again. "When we get back to L.A., I want you to call them and say you'll take their offer." Logan gazed at me, looking both somber and grateful. I knew this couldn't have been easy for him either.

He threw his arms around my neck and I held him there. If it was humanly possible, I would have held him there forever. Then, Logan freed me from his arms only to kiss me, delicately but passionately. I could feel the wetness from his tears against our faces. I pried his mouth open with my tongue and explored him.

"I want you, Kendall," Logan whispered, when he came out for air.

"I'm yours." I kissed him once more. Then he raised my shirt over my head and tossed it on the floor. I did the same for him.

I led us to the bed and placed Logan under me. We stared at each other for a moment; the sexual desire and love between us was palpable and _searing_. I took my eyes off Logan and looked south when I felt him tracing the outline of my erection with his fingers. He gave me wicked look. It was so fucking hot. I had to undress the rest of him…

I moved my head south, hovering just inches above the length of his perfect body. I stopped at his crotch and gave him a light kiss on his own erection through his jeans as he played with my hair. I used my teeth and playfully unzipped his jeans, then dragged both his jeans and underwear down at the same time. His member sprung out as I slid the clothing completely off. I brought my attention back to his hard on, noticing the pre-cum oozing from his tip. I licked my lips and gave him a swift lick from the bottom of his shaft all the way to the tip, cleaning the fluid on the head of penis. Logan let out a drawn out moan. I was grinning from ear to ear. Did he miss my touch as much as I'd missed his?

I had to find out, so I began sucking the head, nibbling lightly from time to time. As his moans grew, I lowered my head completely down on his shaft. I trailed my tongue along the underside of his perfect unit. I flicked my tongue a few times at the connective tissue where the shaft met the head of his penis. Logan released a series of moans that drove me crazy. But when I looked up to see his reaction, he was staring right at me with lustful eyes. I felt a twitch down south.

Logan pulled me so I stood upright and hastily began to undo my pants. He pulled them down swiftly, and I aided him in kicking them completely off. My boner stood at full mast in front of him. Logan looked at it with hungry eyes, lightly licking his lips. I looked at him anxiously and expectantly. I wanted to feel his perfect lips wrap around my length. And soon enough I got my wish…

Logan worked on me slowly and tenderly, like he always did. He never rushed going down on me. He made it a romantic and passionate act, never a chore. Every gesture, every touch and taste radiated so much warmth and love that it was infectious; it made me want to be a better lover for him, too.

I could feel his warm mouth engulfing me whole! I was about to lose it, so I gently pushed myself away and looked at an extremely sexy and pouty Logan. As good as it felt and as _much_ as I wanted him to continue, I wanted to taste him again, too. So I pushed Logan flatly on the bed and scooted him upward towards the headboard. I hovered over him and lowered myself and gave him an opened mouth kiss, darting my tongue against his. I then flipped my body so my head was at the foot of the bed, and my feet at the headboard, still hovering over him. Logan smiled when he caught on to what I was doing. I grabbed his firm member in my hand again, lowered my mouth on his erection and started sucking him slowly. He allowed a small moan to escape before he grabbed my member and began sucking me off at the same time. We had never tried the position 69 before, but I made sure that we would keep it up—literally. It felt amazing to feel Logan's mouth milking me, but it was also a terrific feeling to know I was gratifying him at the exact same time, too.

I could see Logan's body reacting to the new sensation; his body convulsed and contracted, and his member would twitch and throb wildly. I know mine did… We both were pushing the other further over the edge of desire. I wondered if Logan was secretly betting if he could make me climax first. _Two can play at that game_, I thought wickedly to myself. I bobbed faster and sucked harder—I wanted to give him the most intense orgasm. _There is no way I am letting him out-blow me_, I quietly laughed to myself. But I could feel my core balling up, tightening and constricting my free will. I was about to explode and there was nothing I could do about it. _Suck harder!_ I cursed to myself. I could hear Logan moan, even with my shaft down his throat.

I was just about to lose it when heard my name escape his lips, but before I knew it, Logan was the first to release. I felt his violent eruption explode into my mouth, then having it all spilling back out onto his entire penis. Seeing this, I shot my load—multiple rapid bursts—shortly after, down Logan's throat. He took it like a champ, catching all of it and lapping it all up, while I did the same for him. We cleaned each other off, breathing heavily from ecstasy and exhaustion. Logan cleaned me up before I finished cleaning him. He had a talented mouth and tongue; that was for sure.

"That… was incredible…" Logan dragged out. I flipped back around so we were face to face again.

"You didn't think that's all I had planned for us, did you?" I arched my left brow. But before Logan could even respond, I swooped in for a hard deep kiss. Our tongues wrestled for dominance, and I was instantly hard again! "I want you so badly, Logie… Why do you make me want you so badly…?" I asked rhetorically. Logan didn't reply. He just swallowed hard. He had a pretty clear understanding of what was about to come next.

I pinned his arms above his head and I spread his legs apart, allowing myself to position between him. Then I threw his legs over my shoulder. I lined my erection at his entrance and slowly pushed myself into him. His mouth opened and his eyes widened. I moved forward so we were face to face again; this also caused me to penetrate Logan deeper. More moaning escaped his lips.

"You okay?" I asked.

"Yeah. It feels amazing…"

This was enough of a permission for me to continue.

I slowly rocked my hips and moved deeper and deeper inside of him. As my movements continued, his moans grew louder. He let out a loud moan when I hit his sweet spot.

"There! Right there, Kendall! Keep going… don't stop…" he begged. I wouldn't dare stop anyway; it felt too damn good.

"You like that?" I teased, slamming back into him.

"God, YES…" Logan replied in ecstasy. He grabbed onto my ass and pulled me in even deeper. This made both of us lose all our senses. It was so hot knowing that he wanted all of me inside of him, where I belonged.

"Come for me, Logie…" I breathed against his neck.

And as if on demand, Logan climaxed a second time. His member twitched as he poured out over his abs.

I couldn't contain myself much longer either, and I allowed myself to spill all of my pleasure inside of Logan. It was like a geyser had erupted, from the looks of it. I didn't think I could come so much a second time, but somehow I released everything left in me.

We lied on our backs and stared up at the spackled ceiling. My throat felt dry and I desperately swallowed hoping to regain some moisture . I sucked on Logan's neck gently, licking up the sweat beads that had formed all over his body.

"You sure know how to make love" Logan breathed out, sounding satisfied.

"If I know how to love it's all because of you," I said hoarsely. "You bring out the best in me, Logan Mitchell," I confessed, intertwining our fingers. "What I feel for you is not even of this world, but more of a perfect heaven." Logan looked sincerely touched.

"Kendall, to be your friend was all I ever wanted, but to be your lover, well… that's all I ever dreamt. You're the closest thing to heaven for me, as well." Logan played with the promise ring on my finger. It made me smile knowing that we would have a tangible item that would signify our love.

Logan gently closed his eyes and allowed himself to get lost in my embrace.

"I love when you hold me like this," Logan said, nuzzling his cheek against my heaving chest. "It makes me feel so protected… so loved."

"If you think one hug from me equals how much I love you, then I guess I'll just have to hold you in my arms forever."

"Mmm, I don't think I would mind that at all," Logan hummed. "Kendall?"

"Hm," I simply stated, when my voice was beginning to fail me.

"Tell me you love me." His tone implied that he wasn't sure that I did. I loved him more than anything, _anyone_.

"I love you," I said matter-of-factly, before continuing. "Not just for the person you are, but more importantly the person _I_ am when I'm with you."

"You _have_ been a lot cleaner lately," Logan joked, dodging a compliment like usual. He really had no clue how beautiful he was in every way.

I sighed and rolled my eyes playfully, "You know what I mean, smartass." Proud of his own wit, Logan laughed.

"I'm just teasing you, you know that. But you sure have been awfully romantic recently; the dinner, the promise rings, and this getaway. What gives?"

"Can't a guy just show his boyfriend how much he loves him?"

"I don't know. I've never been in love with anyone else but you." His tone was serious. He'd told me he loved me before, but somehow this time it felt like the words were cemented forever. This time, it felt more special, as though there was no doubt in our minds that we belonged together.

Something in Logan's tone put a smile on my face and made my heart balloon. I didn't say anything. Nothing I could have said would have topped what he just said to me. So I simply smiled and kissed him softly.

"Now, let's get some rest, because if you think your ass is sore now, then just you wait… we still have a whole day of snowboarding ahead of us." I joked. Logan laughed at the dirty humor.

I embraced him a tighter as if he was something sacred I was afraid of losing. Essentially he was though. He was sacred to me. There was no one I was more afraid of losing than him.

We held each other, as I gently rubbed his forehead. Soon we both drifted to sleep, keeping each other warm.


	15. Mammoth Mountain

**A/N: So we're almost at the end of this story. Le tear... lol. It's been months that I've dedicated to this story and I've had a lot of fun writing every single chapter, and I hope you have enjoyed reading it just as much. **

**I've also decided that since music plays a huge part in my writing, that from now I'll share what songs I listened to while I wrote specific scenes or chapters, or just songs that help set me in the appropriate mood to write. I'll either post the music inspirations before each chapter (or after the chapter if the song may be a spoiler) or on my profile.**

**For this chapter I was inspired by two of Cider Sky's songs: "Fall & We Are In Love" and "Glowing In The Dark" for the last scene. **

**Please read & review! Enjoy!**

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><p>"<em>Kendall!"<em> Logan's voice called out. "_Where are you, Kendall? I can't see you!"_ Logan continued to panic.

It was definitely his voice, but just distorted, like radio static… like his voice was fading… like _he_ was fading. There was no way in hell I could let him slip away. I had to reach him!

But I couldn't see either. I was back in the strange bleak place, the same place I was in from the nightmare I had the other night. This time though, the snow was falling harder, more furiously.

"Logan!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. But I barely made any sound. I just heard a hollow ringing sound vibrate through my ears. But I know I screamed for him—I could feel his name escape my lips. I just prayed that _he_ could hear me.

I dashed forward like a madman, trudging through the piling snow that was almost up to my knees now. The strength in my movements began to dwindle, and I could feel my body slowing, but I continued to push myself forward. He had to be close. I couldn't see or hear him, but something in my gut told me he was not too far ahead.

"Stay there, Logan!" I begged.

"_Kendall!"_ I heard him yell back.

"LOGAN!" I shoved all of my weight against the unforgiving snow. I began losing feeling in my hands from the packed cold snow. The snow was clearly stronger than me, but my perseverance would be on my side.

"_Kendall!" _

"I'm coming, Logan!"

"_Kendall!"_

"Logan! I'm coming!"

"_Kendall!"_

"Kendall!"

My eyes shot open. Before me was the face of an angel. He was so beautiful, but never more beautiful than in the morning light, because I knew that he was real—and that he was mine to hold. Logan stroked my face with his index finger, looking worried but with a hint of amusement. He must've heard me mumbling in my sleep.

"Everything alright?" My angel asked. "You were talking in your sleep." I feared as much.

"Yeah, just a nightmare," I admitted. I could feel my forehead moist from my sweat.

"Some nightmare… You kept on saying, 'I'm coming!'" he mocked, then gave me a crooked grin.

"Believe me, I didn't mean it like _that_," I asserted.

"Mm-hmm, suuure," Logan said with a sly doubtful look.

"Trust me, if it was one of _those_ dreams, you'd be the first to know," I hummed against the crook of his neck. How did he smell so fantastic all the time?

"So what was it about then?"

I deliberated for a brief moment, wondering if I should tell him or if it was completely irrelevant to elaborate on the matter at all. I didn't want to ruin the perfectly great night of lovemaking we had, and I certainly didn't want to start off our day of fun by discussing a creepy recurring dream I had.

"Nothing. It was too dark to tell what was happening anyway," I said vaguely. "Besides, who wants to talk about a nightmare when they have their dream lying in bed?" I said huskily before I planted a kiss on his neck.

I rolled us over so I was on top of him. Logan wrapped his arms around my neck and lowered me down for another kiss—this time on the lips.

"Why, Mr. Knight… are you seducing me?" Logan asked seductively. He played innocent _very_ well… and very sensuously.

"I don't know. Is it working?" I teased as I gently sucked his neck. That scent of his! It was enough to make me go mad!

"I'd say so," Logan breathed. He directed my attention down south, where we were both sporting boners. Then he grabbed my waist and pushed my backside down so my crotch was pressed tightly against his. It was the hottest thing watching him take hold of me like that! Then be began moving his hips in a circular motion, massaging my lower region in the process.

"You have to stop that," I moaned. "Or we'll never get any snowboarding in."

"You started it. Don't finish what you can't start," Logan smirked.

"Believe me, we'll finish this later," I promised. Logan bit his lower lip and it was pretty damn hot.

With sex on the mind, followed by a few minutes of procrastinating getting dressed, we eventually got up and cleaned up in the tiny bathroom. Then, after Logan and I got appropriately dressed for snowboarding, we got in the car and headed for Mammoth Mountain. Luckily, the inn we stayed at was only a few miles from it. I suppose what the placed lacked in charm, it made up for in convenience.

Mammoth Mountain certainly lived up to its name. It was, well, mammoth! The place engulfed our peripherals as we pulled in. The slopes themselves were overwhelming—gigantic and glistening from the snow that blanketed the entire place beautifully. Everything sparkled.

"How do they get all that snow on the slopes when it hasn't even snowed?" I asked Logan, knowing very well he'd have an answer.

"It's just snowmaking," Logan stated casually, as if the answer was obvious. "When the temperature is low enough, they have machines that shoot out water and pressurized air, which creates the snow we see."

I listened to my little genius talk about snow, of all things—and somehow I was still fascinated…

"What?" Logan asked when I stared at him a little too long.

"Nothing. Just wondering how anyone can be so perfect," I commented. Logan smiled, revealing those adorable dimples as I took hold of his hand.

We pulled into the packed parking lot and I prayed we wouldn't have to walk too far. After our rigorous sex sessions last night, my body was sore. My legs felt like they were burning and I silently asked myself if snowboarding today was a good idea.

I was lucky enough to get a somewhat decent spot when a family that was loaded into a minivan was just pulling out.

"Ahh, I love that fresh crisp winter air," I announced as we got out of mom's car.

"Yeah, it reminds me of Minnesota," Logan added. I could tell this was pure nostalgia for not only me, but Logan as well.

"Well, let's grab all our gear so we can take advantage of the rest of the day!" I cheered.

We hauled our snowboards to the bottom of the mountain, where all the slopes converged. The amount of people skiing and snowboarding was a sight in itself. It had been so long since we had gone snowboarding that I'd forgotten how packed these places can get. James wasn't kidding when he said this weekend would be full! I didn't mind though; something about all those people made me feel energized and alive, and having Logan with me to share this experience made it even more of a thrill.

"Which slope should we take?" Logan asked. He looked focused on weighing the pros and the cons of going down each slope.

We immediately ruled out the "Expert Slope". We both agreed that while we considered ourselves good snowboarders, we weren't cocky snowboarders anxious to have the medical team patch us up. And we also ruled out the "Beginner Slope" because frankly that would've have been too easy and too dull. It was a matter of two slopes now.

"Intermediate then?" Logan shrugged.

"Let's try Difficult," I challenged. I didn't drive all this way from Hollywood to pansy out from a thrill. Logan was no thrill seeker, but I knew he wouldn't want to go home and admit to James and Carlos that he didn't at least try the Difficult Slope.

"Alright," Logan said with skepticism. "You're not going to leave me behind, are you?"

"Of course not," I reassured him. I placed my hands on his shoulders and looked into his eyes for added emphasis. "I'd never abandon you."

"Okay…" Logan let out a loud sigh. "I'm game if you're game."

"Awesome!" I cheered.

We headed to the ski lift that would take us up the Difficult Slope. Fortunately, the line wasn't too terribly long—most everyone was at either the Beginner or Intermediate Slope. The pros and show-offs formed a measly line at the Expert Slope's ski lifts.

When it was our turn to board a chair lift, I was thankful to be able to sit down, and it was nice to take the pressure off of my legs at that point. The ski lift carried us slowly but smoothly up high past the bordering pine trees. All the patrons below us were slowly shrinking and soon enough looked like little colored specks against a glimmering white canvas—the place was truly beautiful. But I directed my attention on something more beautiful—Logan.

He was taking in the sight, as well. He looked like a small awestruck child, with bright curious brown eyes. I smiled at the thought of us making more memories together.

"I'm happy that you decided to come," I confessed. Logan turned his attention back to me.

"Me too," he smiled. "I'm sorry I made it so difficult at first though. It was—" I casually placed a finger on his lips to silence him. I didn't want him to feel like he had to keep apologizing. I just wanted us to enjoy the weekend.

"You don't have to explain a thing. Let's just promise to have fun this weekend," I suggested.

"Sounds good to me," Logan nodded.

"And since this ski lift is moving a lot slower than I had imagined, I plan on continuing to show you a good time," I arched a brow.

Logan looked at me with a perplexed face. I trailed my hand south and massaged his inner thigh, driving the point home. His expression changed from confusion to shock.

"Kendall! No! Not here!" Logan flustered.

"Why not, Logie? I mean, _technically_ we're alone…" I tried reasoning.

"You can't be serious?" Logan blushed.

"I meant what I said when I said I planned on you enjoying your vacation…" I whispered in his ear. "So enjoy…" I demanded of him, as I nibbled his earlobe.

My hand wandered back south and skimmed over Logan's pants. My mouth moved from his ear to his neck. I gently sucked at his delicate skin. I could see visible goose bumps forming on his skin. I wasn't sure if it was because of the cold or if his body was reacting to what I was doing, but either way, I knew I would take advantage of the sensitivity.

My hand cupped his inner thigh tightly then, I trailed my hand upwards until I got to the waistband of his pants. I slid my hand down his pants until I found what I was aching for. I grabbed hold of his erection—I was feeling smug knowing that he was already hard—and I slowly began stroking him.

"Kendall…" Logan moaned. His mouth was left slightly open, while his eyelids slowly close as if he was absorbing the pleasure.

"Does it feel good, baby?" I whispered.

"Uh huh… very good…" Logan replied weakly.

I started speeding up my movement, making sure to satisfy every inch of his length. I continued to shower his neck with a flurry of kisses. I gauged his building climax by his moans—they were growing louder and more frequent. It was so damn hot watching him moan like that… I could feel our chair lift rocking, but I continued pumping my fist.

Then, I noticed we were coming closer to the top of our slope. I had to hurry things along. I jerked Logan more furiously and used my tongue to trail his jawline back down to his neck, gently biting him along the way. As our chair lift inched closer to the top, I could feel Logan inching closer to his summit as well. We were climbing… and stroking… and riding… up closer to a desirous release.

"Kendall, I'm going to…" Logan moaned. "I'm going to…"

"Come for me, baby," I allowed. And soon enough, Logan let out a loud moan and shot his load, splattering his puffer coat.

"Shit!" Logan cursed. I couldn't help but snicker. "Damn it, Kendall!"

My snicker turned into full out laughter.

"How am I supposed to snowboard like this?" Logan asked, annoyed.

"Relax, Logie," I said between bouts of laughter. "We're almost at the top. Just use the snow to clean yourself off," I advised.

"Easy for you to say, you're not the one covered in your own jizz," Logan retorted. I could have been more sympathetic, but I was enjoying the moment too much. I couldn't help but laugh at my little Logie, so sweet and angelic, tainted in his own spunk.

When we finally reached the top of the slope, we hopped off as I continued to laugh at the sight of an embarrassed Logan. He hurriedly threw handfuls of snow on his coat and even pants, not caring if it looked like he had wet himself. I bent over in laughter!

"It's not funny, Kendall!" Logan whined.

"I'm sorry! But I can't stop," I continued laughing. "You have to admit, it's a little bit funny," I said as I wiped a tear that had formed at the corner of my eye.

Logan responded by throwing snow at me. The snow assault took me by surprise, so I tackled him down onto the snow-covered hilltop.

"No fair," Logan breathed out as I lied on top of him.

"Why, would you rather be on top?" I asked suggestively.

"No, I like this just fine," Logan said huskily.

He looked up at me from behind those long lashes of his. It made me forget where we were momentarily. I was only reminded of our public location when I heard the ski lift dropping the next pair of people off behind us.

"I guess we should get moving. Wouldn't want to have sex for all of Mammoth Mountain to see, would we?" I playfully winked.

"Yeah, I'm sure no one has _ever_ had sex here," Logan said full of sarcasm. He clearly was not going to let me forget that I jerked him off on the ski lift.

"What, babe? You don't like handies?" I teased.

"I like handjobs just fine," Logan declared. "But a handjob on a ski lift—that's a first," he stated. Both of us laughed.

"Come on," I said to Logan as I took his hand. "Let's get some snowboarding in."

The following few hours consisted of Logan and me finally experiencing some much needed snowboarding. It was liberating flying down the slopes—the sense of escapism from plastic Hollywood. The sight of snow surrounding us reminded me of home back in Minnesota. But even though I promised myself to enjoy the moment and not think of anything else, I couldn't help but think of not seeing Logan next to me every waking morning after we got back to L.A.

Every time I looked over at his beautiful smiling face, there was a stab at my heart knowing that he would be hundreds of miles away at the internship instead of with me. I needed Logan more than I had even realized, both physically and emotionally.

I had to push the painful thoughts away and allow myself to enjoy the time we had together, and I also didn't want to wear my feelings on my face and risk Logan changing his mind about the internship. I promised I wouldn't be selfish this time, so I had to try harder and force myself to stay positive and keep that promise.

_Just snowboard_, I repeatedly told myself. Snowboarding would keep my mind off the subject, so that was what we did. Over and over, we rode the ski lift up the slope and then boarded back down feeling lighter than air. No Gustavo, no Griffin, no Gustavo, no long hours at Rocque Records, no Gustavo, no Bitters, no Gustavo, no fighting over who gets the gold controller, no Gustavo… Did I mention no Gustavo?

"Ok, what do you say—one more round?" I asked Logan. I could see my own breath in the cold.

"I'm down for that, but let's make a bet this time," Logan said.

"Uh-huh… go on," I suddenly perked up.

"We race and loser has to do anything the winner demands," Logan stated with an arched brow.

Winner gets to tell the loser all his wishes and desires? And the loser has to fulfill them? Somehow I didn't see a "loser" in the situation at all. I was excited just at the prospect of getting back to our hotel room.

"Anything?" I questioned.

"Anything," Logan clarified.

I imagined all the things I would request Logan to do if I won. Then I imagined all the things Logan would request me to do if he won. It was a win-win in my mind.

"May the best man win," I playfully teased and extended my hand. Logan shook my hand, then I pulled him in for a good luck kiss—he blushed a bright scarlet that looked rather adorable against his ivory skin.

We rode the ski lift up our slope a final time. As we got closer to the top, I could see the sun setting. It cast a brilliant glow over everything—the snow shimmered even more dazzling than before, because this time it looked golden with the help from the sun. The whole town looked breathtakingly luminous from up top. Knowing I wouldn't see anything like this back at Hollywood, I took in the picturesque sight and tried to take a mental snapshot. As I stared over gorgeous Mammoth Mountain, Logan placed his hand on mine. I looked at his angelic face and suddenly the moment felt exponentially more significant. I was reminded that everything paled in comparison to Logan. This surely would be a memory I'd hold onto.

"I love you," Logan said, looking at me with those deep brown eyes. I was ready to get lost in them.

"I love you, too," I replied. I leaned in for a long drawn out kiss. I never wanted to let go of this feeling.

But we had to when we felt our chair lift straightening itself out, indicating we had made it to the top. We hopped off and watched as the sun—which looked enormous from where we stood—sink beneath the horizon.

As the blue evening sky replaced the brilliant sun that was there moments earlier, the bright lights that flanked the sides of the slopes turned on, illuminating the path. I nudged Logan so we could race to the bottom.

"Are you sure you still want to do this?" I playfully challenged.

"The question is, are you?" Logan pushed back. I smiled. I liked competitive Logan.

"On the count of three then?"

"Sounds good," Logan smirked.

"One… two…" But before I could finish, Logan dashed downhill.

"Three!" He mockingly yelled. Was Logan Mitchell really cheating? I didn't know if I was angry that he cheated or impressed that he would pull one over on me. I smiled and dashed forward, chasing him.

Luckily, he didn't get that much of a head start since I could see him about ten feet in front of me. I tilted my toes slightly and began picking up speed.

We zoomed past scattered groups of people. His silhouette was getting clearer; it wouldn't be long before I'd pass him.

Soon, he was within arm's length of me.

"Woo-hoo!" I shouted before I shot my body forward, giving him a cocky grin as I sped past him. I felt triumphant as I flew down the slope. There was no way I was letting him beat me. I knew he had to be close; he and I were usually neck in neck when we raced, so I didn't bother turning around. I just continued to go as possibly fast as I was able to. I could see the bottom of the slope looming large.

"Ha! I win!" I yelled arrogantly when I made it to the bottom. I turned around because I knew Logan had to be right on my tail. But he wasn't.

I waited briefly, and then I began to wonder what was taking him so long. Had I really gone that fast? Even so, Logan couldn't have been that far behind. My mind instantly recalled my nightmare and something inside me panicked and without consciously realizing it, I began to run uphill back towards Logan.

"Logan!" I screamed as I tried clawing my way uphill. We weren't allowed to go uphill, but I didn't care. I felt horrible for leaving his side. I barely made any progress climbing uphill on a steep snowy slope. Why did I have to show off?

"LOGAN!" I continued screaming at the top of my lungs.

My heart raced, my adrenaline pumped, my breathing staggered. I felt as if all my fears would pour out of me if I didn't find Logan soon.

I just remembered thinking; how was it possible that in a single moment, our perfect winter getaway turned into my nightmare literally coming true?


	16. What Could Be

**A/N: This chapter is a direct continuation from last chapter so if you haven't read last chapter yet, I recommend doing so. Also, as I stated last week, I'm going to be including songs that helped me write each chapter or provided inspiration. **

**These were my musical inspirations for this chapter:**

**"Civilian" by Wye Oak**

**"Of Moons, Birds and Monsters" by MGMT**

**"My Shadow" by Keane**

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><p>I continued to climb breathlessly, uphill, to make matters worse. The slopes were definitely designed with the intention of only one way of traveling: down. And there I was, the crazy skinny blonde boy clearly going in the wrong direction. I think even a few people were shouting at me to go back down, but I tuned them out. I only had one conscious agenda: to find Logan.<p>

I found my balance again, when I reached a small plateau where the slope had leveled out slightly. I scanned the area in hopes of finding Logan.

"LOGAN!"

My racing heart relaxed at the sight him, but only to beat faster again mere seconds later when I noticed he was hunched over next to a girl, who looked about eleven or twelve. Was Logan hurt? My pounding heart skipped a beat from the anxiety.

"Logan! What's wrong? Are you hurt?" I crouched over him like an overbearing mother.

"Kendall! There you are!" Logan threw his arms around me. "I'm so sorry I left you!" He apologized. _He_ was sorry he left me? I was the jackass who abandoned him after I made a distinct promise I would not abandon, not only today, but ever.

But then I actually remembered to breathe, and I took a breath and my foggy anxious mind was actually able to process the scenario. Logan wasn't hurt at all. He had only stopped to help a girl who had twisted her ankle skiing. I felt a bit guilty when I let out a sigh of relief knowing that it wasn't Logan who had been hurt.

"I'll go get the medics," I volunteered.

"No, it's fine, Kendall. Someone already went to get them," he announced. "Just stay with me?"

He looked like he was a wounded child as well in that moment. I felt a pang in my heart. I would never leave him again like that, I thought to myself.

"Of course," I declared as I wrapped my arms around him.

I looked at the little girl, who looked surprisingly cheerful for someone who just twisted an ankle. I smiled at her and then tried to make conversation with her to keep her spirits up. Knowing Logan, I knew he had been doing the same thing before I arrived, so I figured I would help him keep her mind off her ankle, too.

"What's your name, sweetie?" I smiled at her. It was easy to, because she reminded me of Katie only with strawberry blonde hair instead.

"Melinda," she smiled shyly.

"That's a really pretty name for a very pretty girl," I smiled.

"Melinda, here, has been so brave and tough, haven't you Melinda?" Logan enthused. I looked at him with endearing eyes. He was so great with everyone, but never more so than with kids. He would make a fantastic father one day.

"Melinda!"

We saw a middle-aged couple running anxiously towards us; the parents no doubt. The medical staff was right behind them, as well.

"Mom! Dad!" She cried out to them with open arms.

They opened their arms as well and came down and wrapped them tightly around her.

"Oh my god, we were so worried, Melinda!" Her mom exclaimed as kissed her daughter's forehead profusely.

"You scared us half to death, Melinda," the dad added. He looked like he was at his emotional limit. His eyes were beginning to water. I was glad to know that they found relief upon seeing their daughter.

The medic team swarmed her and worked with diligence and grace. Either they were very well trained on how to handle these incidents or those incidents just happened a lot.

Melinda was just as brave and tough as Logan had claimed. She smiled the entire time, and only winced once while they bandaged her ankle.

"Thank you so much for looking after our baby," the father said to Logan and me with gratitude.

"We literally just turned around and she was no longer behind us. We thought someone had kidnapped her," the mom admitted.

"We were about to call the police, when he heard someone calling out to the medical team for assistance," the father explained.

"Then we overheard them mention our daughter's name and we rushed over and explained that our daughter was missing," the mother added.

"Thank heavens she wasn't left alone," the dad interjected looking at us, again with deep gratitude.

"It was Logan that stayed with her actually. I just arrived right before you guys did," I confessed, smiling at Logan. He blushed. He didn't like taking credit for good deeds.

"It was nothing. She was great company actually," Logan said with a flush of red still under his skin.

"Well, please accept our sincerest gratitude," the father said, shaking our hands. The mother hugged us both warmly.

"Wait!" Melinda yelled as the medics snuggly placed her on the snowmobile. "Mom, dad… don't you know who they are?"

We all looked at each other confused, but not as much as Melinda's parents.

"Yes, sweetie. We just met these nice boys who were kind enough to watch over you until we got here," the mom smiled.

"No! I mean, they are Kendall and Logan…" Melinda said as though it was as obvious as the weather. Her parents shrugged, still not catching on. "From Big Time Rush!" Melinda clarified, giving a sassy eye roll. Oh yeah, she _definitely_ reminded me of Katie.

"OH!" Melinda's parents yelled in unison.

"Oh my gosh, we didn't even recognize you boys," the mother exclaimed. "Our daughter is a huge fan!"

Now I was blushing with Logan.

"I hate to ask you fellas for a favor, especially after the kind deed you have done for my family already, but would you mind…" the father trailed off, looking too embarrassed to finish asking.

"Sure thing," I nodded with a smile.

If taking a picture with a fan—especially one as sweet as Melinda—was enough to help take her mind off of her injury and to help brighten her parents' day, then we really did have the best job in the world.

Logan and I flanked either side of Melinda as she lied on the back of the snowmobile, as her mother reached for her camera.

"Smile!" The mother beamed as she snapped the photo of the three of us.

Without planning it, Logan and I both turned and kissed both sides of Melinda's cheek right before the flash went off. The expression on her face was priceless; a mix of astonishment, confusion and delight. I smiled from ear to ear.

"Thank you again, Logan and Kendall!" We hugged the sweetheart. I had barely met her and I had already decided then that I liked the girl.

"We should probably let Kendall and Logan be on their way, don't you think, Melinda?" The mom politely excused for us.

"Wait! Kendall! Come here," Melinda beckoned with a finger. I was surprised she asked for me. I would've thought she'd want Logan.

But nonetheless I leaned down and placed my ear closely for her to whisper.

"I'm happy you're with Logan," she stated. I looked at her perplexed.

"Melinda, how did you—?"

"Your rings," she confessed. I was immediately impressed at how observant she was. "Don't worry. I'll keep it a secret," she giggled to herself. "But I'm happy you two are together," she smiled.

"Yeah, me too." I threw her smile too and patted the top of her head.

"I knew Kogan existed," she added.

I scrunched my eyebrows together. _What on Earth is a Kogan?_ I thought to myself, before shaking the thought away.

We waved good-bye to Melinda and her parents. The evening left no trace of the sun that had lingered earlier. If it hadn't been for the lights on the sides, we would have been in complete darkness. I got goose bumps just thinking back to the darkness in my nightmare.

"Ready to get going?" I asked Logan. I wanted to touch and be touched by him so badly.

"_So_ ready," Logan smiled, giving me a knowing look.

When we got back to the inn, the sexual tension between Logan and me was palpable—searing, even. I flicked the lights on and the weak florescence illuminated what it could of our small room. It didn't matter either way. Light or no lights, Logan and I knew our minds wouldn't be focused on such trivial things much longer.

"You won," Logan finally spoke.

"What do you mean?" I asked, genuinely not knowing his meaning.

"The race. You won," Logan reminded me as he began taking off layers of clothing…

I had to clear my throat.

"W-Well, I mean, I didn't actually win," I stammered.

"No, fair is fair. I challenged you. And you won," Logan insisted. At that point he was just in his boxers and socks.

"It just doesn't seem fair to accept this victory," I laughed nervously. "I wouldn't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you or anything," I added sheepishly.

"Oh trust me, you can take advantage of me _any_ day, Kendall Knight," Logan grinned.

I blushed at his forwardness. I wasn't sure what was making me so nervous. Maybe I just figured I would be the one taking control of the situation; and there Logan was, stripping and seducing me like a pro.

"Um, well Logan, I—" I began.

"Kendall. You won," Logan asserted in a very authoritative voice. "Now come get your prize."

He shed the last few articles of clothing and stood completely nude before me. I had to swallow hard.

He started sliding his hand down his chest, abs and then further south… My blood was also running south and I could feel my erection growing.

I looked him up and down, and marveled at his perfection. I bit my lower lip, knowing that he was all mine to touch. Somehow I took hold of my nerves and I was me again.

I started stripping myself, and when I was in the nude as well, I closed the distance between us and placed my hand on Logan's face.

"You're so beautiful," I told him.

"I'm also yours," Logan reminded me seductively. "What dirty things would you like to do to me?" Logan arched a brow.

I was thrown off by his question. In fact, I was thrown off by his whole seduction. Not that I didn't find him sexy or was aroused by him—because believe me, I did and I was. But I wasn't sure who Logan was trying to be. I didn't want some plaything or boy toy… I wanted Logan.

And as much as a turn-on it was to have a naked Logan wanting to fulfill every desire and fantasy that I'd ever dreamt up, somehow in that moment, I realized I just wanted reality more than fantasy. Having Logan was already my fantasy fulfilled. What more could I have asked for? How much luckier can a guy like me get?

"Shall I be the lawn boy, pool boy, band groupie, math tutor, doctor's patient, or would you like to come up with someone for me?" Logan offered with a sly grin.

The ideas were certainly tempting. And I played a few scenarios in my mind, but still, Logan standing there was more than enough. He was my living dream.

"You be you and I'll be me," I said, looking him in the eyes.

"I'm confused," Logan admitted. "You don't want to play this game?"

"No. No more games. I just want to make love to you tonight. So I'll be Kendall and you be Logan, two best friends that fell in love."

I caressed his smooth skin and smiled at him. He returned my smile.

"I think I can handle that," he smirked.

I pulled him in for a much awaited kiss. Our mouths opened as if on cue and we explored each other with our tongues. Tasting him was intoxicating. It was like every time I touched him I was alive—truly alive. Logan awakened every cell in my body. I never felt more myself, more loved, more uninhibited than when I was with him.

"I love you, Logan," I breathed out. I knew he already knew this, but I had to say it aloud. "You mean so much to me."

"I love you, too. You made this weekend so memorable," Logan said, brushing his hand against my hair.

"Yeah, I bet," I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "I abandoned you on that slope and we're stuck in this dingy motel room," I shook my head.

"You think I care about any of that?" Logan gestured at the room. "This—here with you—it's perfect. Don't try to convince me otherwise," Logan smiled.

I was glad to hear that from him. I wanted the weekend to be perfect, and up until then I thought it was a disaster. I'm glad he told me otherwise.

I needed to be one with him.

I led Logan to the bed. I allowed him to slide under the sheets first and I climbed into bed after him then, threw the blanket over our naked bodies. I lied on top of him, but supported myself enough as to not crush him with my weight. I stroked his face with the back of my hand.

I bent my head down for a tender kiss on his lips. I could feel Logan slide his hands up the back of my thighs, past my behind then up my back, and finally around my neck to pull me down closer to his level.

I positioned myself between Logan's legs and looked into his eyes. His eyes told me so much. He loved me as much as I loved him, and he wanted me as much as I wanted him. I needed to connect with him. I needed to _feel_ him.

I pushed my way into him, and he let out a beautifully drawn out moan. I felt his velvety body tighten around my stiff member, which only aroused me even more. I began to slowly thrust in and out of him, feeling his body react and respond to each impact.

"Kendall," Logan moaned in ecstasy.

"I'll make you feel good, babe," I breathed.

My movements started to grow in intensity. I was fueled by my passion and love for Logan, and I needed to show him in the most physical way possible.

I thrust in and then pulled myself almost all the way out, only to slam myself back in against his body. Logan's moans yearned for more, and I planned on delivering more. I kissed his mouth and then swept my tongue along his jawline and down his neck. I sucked at the base of his neck as Logan pushed my head down, begging me suck harder.

I grinded my hips deeper into Logan, penetrating him repeatedly and I knew I hit his sweet spot when he practically cried out in pleasure. My body temperature was rising, and my sexual release was nearing. I guessed that Logan was close, as well, so I slammed into my lover with all the passion I could give. I could feel his hands cup my rear, and forced me to go deeper into him than I had ever gone before.

I could feel the dew on my neck and back. Our body heat was cutting through the cold room. Logan tilted his hips, which caused a new sensation in both of us, if the sounds escaping our mouths were any indication. I wrapped one arm around Logan's lower back and pulled him in as tightly as possible—so close that our pelvises were essentially grinding against each other.

The sensation was overwhelming as it continued to rise—and writhe—inside of me. I was about to erupt inside of his tight body at any moment.

"Logie, I'm close," I breathed.

"Me too," his voice trembled.

That was all I needed to hear. I moved swiftly, deeply and rhythmically until I could take it no longer. Then all the muscles in my body tensed and my body stilled as I emptied myself into him. Logan released his pleasure all over the both of us in wild spastic spurts. It was a satisfaction in just seeing him exploding in ecstasy.

I collapsed on top of him, and I breathed frantically against his heaving chest.

"That was incredible," I managed to say in a raspy, exhausted voice.

"Very," was all Logan was able to muster. But his kiss to the top of my sweaty head of hair said a plethora of words his voice was unable to. "Are you tired?" He asked with concern.

"I think I used all that was left of my energy on you," I chuckled. He laughed along.

"Well my body and I are grateful that you did," Logan grinned. I could feel him flexing and stretching his body. I stared at his perfect ivory skin.

"It was my pleasure," I smiled.

"Believe me… it wasn't just _your_ pleasure," Logan laughed. It was great to hear his musical laughter chime throughout the room.

When I finally regained enough energy, I moved myself up on the pillow, so that I was face to face with him. I slid my arm under Logan and pulled him in. I planted a small kiss on his lips.

"Did you have a good weekend then?" I asked.

"Are you kidding me? No Gustavo, no work, no fighting over who ate the last Hot Pocket at home… Did I mention No Gustavo?" Logan smirked. I couldn't help but laugh. "And let's not forget that I got to spend a whole weekend with my boyfriend skiing and having great sex," Logan added, raking his fingers along my stomach.

"Who could forget that?" I smiled before I kissed his nose.

Then it hit me that it was a Sunday night, and in that moment instead of being in a post-coital position, we should have already been on the road heading home. I guess we were in too much bliss to remember to stay on schedule. I didn't want to be a buzz-kill and ruin the perfect moment, but I thought it should at least be brought to Logan's attention.

"Hey, so how do you feel about staying here tonight?" I inquired.

"Oh, damn! That's right. We were supposed to driving home tonight, weren't we?"

Damn him, and his good memory.

"Well, that was the plan, but don't worry about it. Let's enjoy this."

"That's going to be difficult when I'm thinking about Gustavo," Logan said.

"You know, I always suspected you had a thing for Gustavo," I teased. Logan laughed when he finally caught on to the joke.

"No, goofball, I meant how will we explain to Gustavo why we won't be at the studio tomorrow morning?"

"You let me handle it. Your only responsibility this weekend was to enjoy yourself, remember?"

"Well, technically the weekend will be over in—" Logan peeked at the clock, "—an hour and eight minutes."

"Thanks for the update, Schedule Nazi," I joked.

"I'm serious, Kendall. Maybe if we leave now and drive nonstop, we'll have a chance to make it home before sunrise. Then we'll have enough time to get ready to go to Rocque Records," Logan devised.

"Logan!" I whined. "Please, please, _please_ for once just stop being so damn responsible!"

"Alright, alright…" Logan threw his hands up in surrender. "May I ask why? Or will I just be verbally attacked again?" Logan teased.

I frowned, realizing I took him by surprise with my reaction.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap," I apologized. "It's just that, well, after we leave here then it will become real," my voice trailed off.

"What will be real?" Logan asked.

"This weekend will be the only time I will have you to myself, in my arms—like this—in who knows how long," I revealed.

"Oh. You're talking about the internship," Logan came to the realization.

"Yeah. So please just don't take this away from me. Please don't strip me of the time I have left with you, okay?" I pleaded. "Just stay here with me for a few more hours and then we can get going. Well just miss a few hours of recording. I'm sure there will be enough solo parts to keep James and Carlos busy long enough anyway."

"Kendall, I don't want to end my time with you either, but you keep speaking as if this internship will be the end of us."

"Won't it?"

Logan frowned.

"No, why would you think that? We've already agreed that we'll make it work."

"Yes, but what if it doesn't?"

"We can't possibly know either way, but I'm not about to throw away what we have. Are you?" Logan challenged.

"Of course not!" I retorted.

"Then stop talking as if you're breaking up with me, okay?" Logan cupped my face. He was being the strong one, while I was the weak boyfriend falling apart.

"Okay, you're right." And then Logan kissed me to reassure me. "So can we just sleep here for a few hours? Can I just hold you, Logan?" My voice sounded so frail.

I don't know what my face looked like, but whatever it was Logan was moved enough by it to let our responsibility be damned.

He simply smiled and said, "Of course, Kendall," and snuggled up to my body. And we laid there, bodies intertwined and as exhausted as we were, neither of us fell asleep. We were both too distracted by the thoughts of what was, what is, and what could be…

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><p><strong>AN: Hope you liked this chapter. Please be sure to review and let me know your thoughts! You'll definitely want to read the next chapter as it is the chapter that was inspired by my dream I had months ago, was led me to writing this fanfic.**


	17. Snowfall

**A/N: This chapter is very special to me, because this chapter was the one that spawned this whole story. As some of you know, this story was inspired by a dream I had many, many months ago. After I woke up from the dream, I immediately wrote the majority of this chapter first. Then I went back and developed an entire story around this chapter. So you could say that this chapter is the beating heart of the whole piece. **

**After it has been stored away on my computer for months and months now, I'm so eager to finally share it with all of you. I hope you all like it, so please read and review and share your thoughts! And please if you haven't read the story from the beginning, I recommend you do so. It's not absolutely necessary, but I think everything will make more sense that way. **

**Without further ado, I give you "Snowfall".**

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><p>I wasn't sure when it happened but Logan and I fell asleep. I only woke when I heard a loud thump coming from the next room. I barely had the strength to open my eyelids; they felt heavy and sedated. I had to admit, it felt good to get some shut-eye after exerting so much energy on the slopes, but still I wondered how long we had been asleep—and of course, neither one of us set an alarm.<p>

I rubbed my eyes hoping to spring awake with newly found energy. No such luck. I peered over Logan's shoulder and found that he was still sleeping soundly. I couldn't help but smile upon seeing his face looking so blissful and euphoric. I almost resisted in waking him just by looking at him sleeping so peacefully. But I knew that Logan would just panic later and question me on why I didn't wake him up sooner.

"Logan. Babe, wake up," I gently shook his shoulder. Then I kissed it out of guilt for waking an angel from slumber.

He rolled over and licked his lips reflexively. I wanted to lick them, too.

"What time is it?" He asked with his eyes still closed and in a deep raspy voice.

"It's ten after two. We've slept for—" I tried to do simple math half awake "—a little over three hours."

"Crap. Kendall, we need to get moving if we want any chance of getting back on time," Logan announced.

"Sorry, I know it was my idea to lie down. I didn't think we'd sleep this long. It's my fault if we're late," I confessed.

"No, it's no one's fault," Logan consoled me, rubbing my hand. "It was probably a good idea that we got some shut-eye before we drove anyway."

"But now we'll definitely have to drive back nonstop," I frowned.

"We can take turns," Logan smiled before giving me a sweet peck on my nose. "Now let's grab all our stuff so we can get going."

"Or… we can just stay here," I smiled from ear to ear like a small child begging for ice cream. I wrapped my arms around Logan.

"We both know I would love nothing more than that," Logan grinned. "But we've already been through this, we have to get back to our family, our career, our _lives_," Logan reasoned.

"Alright, I know you're right," I mocked defeat.

"Well, I'm not _always_ right," he smiled playfully. "And, do you honestly want to be the one to explain to Gustavo why we're late after we had the entire weekend off?"

He was clearly trying to prove a point. I lightly jabbed his side and got another smile out of him.

We proceeded to get out from under the covers and realized that we were both stark naked. Obviously we had seen each other naked many times before, but it was distracting to have Logan standing in all his glory in front of me like that. I had to the urge, and reminded myself we were already running late.

Logan went to pick up his boxers from the floor when I stole a naughty glance at his perfect shaped ass, before biting my lower lip and giving him a smack. He jerked right back up and gave me a glare, but we both knew he secretly liked it.

I went over to our window and peeked out. I reflexively squinted at the blinding snow. I briefly thought for a moment that I was dreaming. Then my mind took me back to the nightmares I'd been having. I shook the thought away.

Snow? It must've started when we fell asleep, and it didn't look like it was stopping. The snow had blanketed everything through the night in a thin layer, but it was a stunning sight to see everything glisten. I was dazzled by the beauty, but Logan demanded that I focused on getting dressed and clearing out the room.

I sluggishly pulled my boxers and jeans on, when Logan gave me a dumbfound look.

"Maybe I should drive first," Logan volunteered. "I'm guessing I got more sleep than you did."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because you just put your pants on backwards," Logan stated flatly.

I looked down and realized he was right. I rolled my eyes at Logan, but really I was embarrassed that I was having trouble just putting clothes on. I was definitely not a morning person, and functioning at three in the morning was just plain cruel.

We eventually got dressed and gathered all our things and reloaded them into mom's small two-door car, cramming anything that attempted to hang out of the car. We dropped the room key into the nightly drop box in front of the office, waved good-bye to our crappy weekend inn and were on our way.

I continued to warm my hands up against the vents, since Logan offered to drive first. He was smart enough to not pack up his gloves so his hands were toasty warm, I'm sure. He had the windshield wipers going, since the snow was continuing to fall steadily. I silently wondered if L.A. saw any snow over the weekend, but I doubted that they did. I remember Logan saying L.A. hadn't had a real snowfall since the 60s or something like when we first moved to the Palm Woods. I remember this because I remember being disappointed that we wouldn't have the winters we had in Minnesota.

"Warm enough, yet?" Logan smirked at me, when he caught me staring off into the distance.

"Oh. Yeah, I think I am. Thanks."

He turned the heat down a notch. My lids were beginning to feel heavy again. I was engulfed in the warmth and the fact that it was so early in the morning, and we hadn't seen a single car drive by on the road in the past twenty minutes only made me sleepier. I felt guilty for not trying to stay awake and keep Logan company during the tedious drive, but my small boost of energy was waning fast. Somehow I had a feeling Logan was okay with me getting some sleep anyway; that's probably why he volunteered to drive—he knew he was the more capable one of the both of us at that point.

As my eyelids could no longer fight the exhaustion, I closed them and the last thing I remember seeing was how gracefully the snow fell.

"Kendall?" I heard from the deep recesses of my mind. The voice sounded reluctant to call my name.

I had to fight my lids open and when I won over them, I saw Logan's face shrouded in snow. _Oh no, was this that awful reoccurring nightmare again? _I thought. Then I realized that unlike my nightmare, we weren't outside. In fact, we were still in the car. Logan was still driving and the snow I was seeing was from the snow falling outside against the window.

I pushed myself back up so I was sitting upright in the seat again and cleared my throat.

"What's the matter, babe?" I asked.

"I'm sorry to wake you, but do you think you could take the wheels for a bit? I'm about to pass out," Logan confessed. I felt terrible for not trying to stay awake with him, but then neither of us would be of any use driving, I suppose.

"Yeah, sure thing," I replied. "I'm sorry I dozed off on you," I added.

"Oh, it's no big deal," Logan said as he pulled over to the side of the road. "It only makes sense if we take turns driving then sleeping anyway. I'm glad you got your beauty rest," he teased before he planted a kiss on my lips.

I could see that his eyes were getting red. He must have rubbed them to try and stay awake. I wondered how long the poor thing forced himself to keep driving before he decided to give in.

We got out of the warm car and quickly switched seats. When we got back into the car, both of us had a headful of icy snowflakes. I cursed at the cold and then realized I didn't hope for snow in L.A. after all.

My hands trembled a bit from the cold as I placed them on the steering wheel and got us back on the main road. I blew warm air into my hands.

"Here, Kendall. Take my gloves if you're going to drive," Logan offered. Bless his heart; always thinking about others.

"No, don't be ridiculous," I shook my head. "You keep them. The heat is on—my hands will warm up soon enough," I smiled to reassure him. He returned my smile and reached for my hand. This sent warm pulses throughout my body. He was better than any damn heater, easily.

Logan shifted his weight as he tried getting comfortable in his seat. I looked over and saw his eyelids begin to close, but then he fought the urge and opened them again.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" I asked.

"I can't really sleep now. I keep thinking about that internship," Logan confessed in a low voice. He glanced at me with trepidation.

"Oh, I see," I whispered.

"I know you'd rather me not constantly bring it up, but I'm still not convinced you're okay with it." I could see him looking serious and anxious in the corner of my eyes.

"What do you want me to say? Would you rather me say, Yes honey, I want you on the opposite side of the country from me?" I jested.

"No, of course not. But I also want to feel that you care whether or not I leave."

There was a hint of worry in his voice. It was as though he really did think I could part with him so easily. The boy clearly did not realize how much it ached just thinking about not having him with me.

"Logan, you don't know the things you do to me, just being the way you are. I-I don't know what will become of me if… _when_ you leave. You can't possibly think I won't be affected," I could feel the tears coming and my voice was breaking.

I looked over at Logan and his eyes weren't dry anymore.

"Then ask me to stay," he said.

"No." I tried to keep my voice strong, but it failed me.

"No?" He sounded hurt. "Why not?"

"Because I know if I ask you to stay, you will. You always do," I declared. "And I already told you, I can't be selfish anymore. Not for your sake."

"That's very noble of you, but I'm just concerned that you think this way now, but you'll have a change of heart after I actually leave. I don't want you to resent me for deciding something that affects the group… that affects _us_."

"Why would I resent you? I love you, Logan."

"But what if one day you won't?"

I looked at him astonished.

"Why would you say that?"

"I'm just… worried you'll forget about me."

I couldn't imagine a world without Logan, so I knew there was no possibility of me ever forgetting him.

"What makes you think I'll forget about you?"

"Well, I don't know if this is crossing the line, but… you moved on after Jo left."

"Is that what you're worried about? That I'll move on to someone else after you leave?"

"Maybe," Logan said in a low voice. "I mean, maybe not right away, but someday… yes."

"I loved Jo, Logan."

"Talking about how you love your ex was not exactly what I was hoping to hear," Logan frowned.

I placed my hand against his soft face.

"Let me finish. I love Jo, but what I feel for you is beyond that—it's beyond what I feel for anyone. There aren't even words good enough to describe how I feel when I'm with you, so I guess I'll just have to settle for 'I love you'," I smiled. "And even those words don't suffice." He smiled back and placed his hand over mine. "And aren't you the one who accused me of sounding like I was breaking up with you?" I gave him a playful glare.

"I know, I know. I'm a hypocrite," Logan chuckled. Then his tone got serious again. "I just wanted to make sure you and I both know all the sacrifices that may come with this decision."

"We just won't be able to see each every day like we do now, but we'll make it work," I assured him.

"People always say that, but how will we continually make sure we don't let the long distance thing tear us apart?"

"Hm, you're right. How will we _ever_ stay in contact? I mean, there's the phone, e-mail, webcam, texting and of course the visits to see each other…" I said sarcastically. "You're right; we're screwed by the limited options."

Logan rolled his eyes but at least I got another smile out of him.

"Okay, I get it. But it won't be the same waking up without you in my bed. I guess I'll just have to go find another tall handsome blonde to fill the void in my bed when I get to New York."

Now he was the one baiting me with jokes to mess with my head.

"Logan Mitchell, if I find you with—" I was cut off when Logan kissed me.

"I am still really going to miss you, Kendall," Logan said, stroking my cheek with his index finger.

"And I'm going to miss you more than you'll ever know, but let's not start saying our good-byes just yet. Not now. Not here."

"I agree," he smiled as I leaned over for another kiss. Then it looked like something dawned on Logan and he asked, "Oh damn. What will Carlos and James think of the news?" Both of us laughed.

"Don't worry about Carlos and James. I'll talk to them. I'm sure they'll understand… eventually," I stuck out my tongue. "Now, let's put all this talk behind us so you can get some sleep," I interlocked our hands and kissed the back of his.

"You don't have to tell me twice—I'm beat!" Logan said with a yawn and a stretch.

Logan fell asleep almost instantly, and I turned up the radio volume a few notches in an attempt to keep myself awake. In all honesty, I was still too tired to drive, but I knew Logan needed the sleep just as much, so I toughed it out.

I wished we had the time to stop at a gas station and pick up some energy drinks to at least tide me over a little, but we were already so behind because of me.

We were then on a two-way road that wrapped around part of a mountain, and the road was still empty. I saw a pick-up truck driving in the opposite direction about half an hour prior, but that was it until a car behind us came charging up. I could see his headlights loom large as he approached the rear of our car.

"What's this dude's problem?" I said out aloud.

"Who?" Logan mumbled, rubbing and blinking his eyes a few times.

I guess I was loud enough to wake Logan.

"This asshole driving behind us. He's tailing our ass."

Then the driver started honking.

"Great, now the asshole's honking. Slow down, buddy!" I yelled, even though I knew he couldn't possibly hear me.

"Just ignore him, Kendall. He's probably just drunk," Logan sighed.

"Or just an asshole," I retorted.

The driver was starting to piss me off. Obviously it was a two-way road. I couldn't get over in another lane to let him by. And there was no need for him to be barreling down the road that fast anyway, especially while it was snowing.

I figured he would eventually calm down and realize that we weren't planning on going faster than the speed limit, and he would just have to be patient.

I was wrong.

I felt the corner of our back bumper get clipped as the madman driving attempted to go around us. Only he didn't go around us. The road must have had patches of ice, because his car slid, fishtailed and sideswiped us. Not caring what he had done, he dashed off ahead of us.

My heart began racing more quickly than I thought possible. I immediately gripped the steering wheel with both hands, hoping to steady the vehicle. But I could feel our car slide too far to the right, to the edge of the cliff. I tried to regain control of the car, but the wheels spun out and before I knew it the passenger's side tilted over the edge.

"Whoa, Kendall!" I remember Logan screaming in fear.

I tried maneuvering the car back, but it was futile because the weight of the car had shifted too far over the edge. The thing I remember before crashing was looking over at Logan and praying nothing would happen to him.

The car slid down the slope, before it rolled over. I could hear the metal buckle from the impact, and the glass shattered, scattering all over the interior of the car. I could hear the equipment we packed falling out of the broken windows, causing more glass to shatter in the process. The glass and snow from outside flew wildly all around us.

The car flipped over a few more times, and whatever attempt I made to hold on tight failed. My body thrashed and jerked even with the seatbelt on, and I could feel a sharp pain above my eye.

Finally and mercifully the car stopped moving when it hit a flat surface, landing the car on its back.

I must have blacked out briefly though, because I don't recall actually landing. When I came around, I was upside and my entire body was aching and trembling.

Everything hurt. Even breathing felt painful.

I just remember feeling hot and cold simultaneously. I could also smell something strong, like gasoline, and that's when I knew I had to find the strength to move. I unbuckled myself and gravity tossed me down. My vision was momentarily blurred, but I could see Logan next to me, unconscious. My heart nearly stopped but I could see that he was slowly breathing, so I acted fast.

I hurriedly unbuckled him too, with trembling hands. My left shoulder felt like it was about to give out, but I pulled him out from the passenger's window, where all its glass had been demolished from the crash. I fell backwards when I tried to lift Logan and landed on some broken glass. I could see traces of my blood taint the white snow.

I winced at the pain, but sucked it up and yanked Logan out of the destroyed vehicle. I continued to pull him as far away from the car in case there was a fire.

My mind and body didn't feel in sync. My vision was still blurred, and I could feel a dampness above my left eye. I touched it and realized I had a gash there. I ignored it and mustered enough strength to pull Logan and me to safety.

When I felt I got us far enough, I fell on my behind. All the strength left me in was depleted. My breathing was still staggered and labored.

I cradled Logan and tried to wake him.

"Logan? Logan, we have to move," I pleaded with him. My voice sounded dry and weak. I could feel something swelling inside of me.

He weakly opened his eyes but they looked glazed over, and he was paler than usual. He looked so helpless.

"Logan, we have to go get help, okay?"

His eyelids fluttered a few times and he mumbled something incoherent. I could see that it was taxing all his energy just to keep his eyes open, but I needed him to focus.

"Logan, did you hear me?" I cried. "I have to go get help."

"No… no, please, Kendall," he moaned in a hoarse voice. I then noticed blood behind his right ear. My heart was slowly shattering inside of me.

"Baby, I have to go get help," I tried to keep my voice strong and confident, but even I could hear the frailty in my own voice.

"No… don't," he kept repeating. He tugged meekly at the collar of my shirt, begging me to stay. I could see the tears overflowing in his eyes, and my attempt at a strong façade dissolved. I didn't want him to see me cry. I needed to be strong for the both of us.

"Logan, it'll only be a minute. I just have to leave you for a minute, okay baby?" I said, choking on my own tears.

"No… please, Kendall," Logan choked out. "Stay with me."

I realized I had promised I would not abandon him, so I sat there, cradling him and a moment later his breathing had stopped and his fight for control over his eyelids lost out and they closed.

"Logan? …Baby?"

I remember in that moment, feeling overwhelmed by a plethora of emotions; anger, despair, fear, loneliness, among others… then I lost control of my grip and tears overflowed my entire sight. My heart felt like it had imploded, caved it; it could have very well died in that crash. What difference did it make? The only thing I needed in life was taken from me.

That night is still a ghost of a memory for me. I tend to block out a lot, but a few things to come to my mind that I can expel.

I remember burying my head and sobbing profusely into Logan's chest.

I remember feeling regret for everything I didn't get to express to him.

I remember feeling helpless.

But mostly, I remember watching the love of my life die in my arms.


	18. Logan

**A/N: So there are two chapters left to this story; this chapter and one more. I know a lot of people were upset and shocked by the last chapter, but I still stand behind it 100%. I didn't write that chapter for shock value. It was something that I had literally dreamt and needed to write. I'm sorry if some of you expected a happily ever after ending, but I wanted to make this story feel real and impactful whenever possible. I've written happy endings before, so I didn't want to retread that again here. **

**I knew it would get strong reactions, but it wasn't about killing off Logan's character for the sake of dramatic purposes. The story has always been Kendall's story. That's why I made a distinct decision to write it from Kendall's perspective. It's his story, his journey, and I really wanted to write about a character who has suffered a great loss and how he copes with that loss. **

**So awhile back when I was writing the draft to this chapter, I always knew I wanted to dedicate it to Logan's character. So that's why I've titled it "Logan". Plus it made sense because Kendall has such a difficult time saying Logan's name aloud in this chapter, so I felt it all made sense. **

**The songs that inspired this chapter were: **

**"The Funeral" by Band of Horses**

**"Find Home" by The Honey Trees**

**"Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane**

**"All Goods Things" by Nelly Furtado **

**I kindly suggest you read the story with the songs playing. It's a little fun bonus! Hope you all enjoy, please read & review! **

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><p>After the… incident, everything moved at a blindingly fast speed. Family members were called, what felt like a lifetime of tears were shed by everyone, and arrangements for the funeral were made. Everything was moving much too quickly. I barely had time to process anything. In truth, I didn't want to process anything. I hated hearing "I'm sorry for your loss" and "if there's anything I could I do" from everyone's mouth. I didn't need their sympathy—I needed him.<p>

Eventually it just became easier to tune everyone out. It didn't matter; I probably looked like a lifeless corpse to them. I wasn't concern with what anyone thought anyway. Everything that I once knew, everything that I once loved, everything I once dreamed was washed out of me, and hollowness resided in its place.

The funeral arrangements were made and all of our family and friends were going. Everyone attended. Everyone except for me. I decided to stay home the last second, much to my mom's frustration. She thought it was undignified and disrespectful of me not to show up, especially since his family would be there. Maybe that was so, but I just couldn't bring myself to see the open casket. I didn't believe I had the strength to see his body again—at least, not like that.

Besides, I felt like I owed it to his family to stay away. I couldn't face the devastation on their faces again. After all, I took away their son/cousin/grandson/nephew. It never occurred to me how much one person could be so many different things to the world. But for me, he was myworld.

I sat silently by myself while everyone was at the funeral. I held a framed photo of me and him; a photo we had taken a few years back. It was before we had even started dating, but even back then, I always knew I loved him in an entirely different way. I loved him in a way that transcended words—transcended definitions or labels.

Teardrops fell and splattered on the glass, and I could no longer bear to look at it. In fact, I couldn't bear to look at any of the photos with him. I looked around at all the photos in the room and angrily wondered why someone so beautiful had to be taken away so young. He wasn't meant to go that way. He was meant to die old and grey, after living a long and fulfilling life. He was meant to save lives, not lose his… He was meant to die after me, so I would never have to see an angel pass. Everything about what happened was wrong. It was not the order of things.

I clutched the frame tightly as the anger of the injustice of life and the cruelty of natural order rose in me. There was nothing natural about what happened to him. In that moment, I hated everything. I threw the photo in my hand straight across the room and watched it shattered to pieces. I continued my fury and swiped a side table that had photos of him. I took out my growing hatred on everything that had his face or reminded me of him. I stormed into our bedroom and threw away all the photos in there, as well.

My rampage did not stop until every last shred of him—and my energy—was gone. I exhausted myself to the point that I collapsed. I wearily propped myself against the side of my bed, and even though I was physically drained, I was still too emotionally wound up. The anger in me had not subsided. If anything, it had simply manifested into sorrow. I collapsed onto the floor and curled myself in a fetal position and bawled for I don't know how long. I hoped to free the pain that was buried deep in me.

When I woke up, I was still balled up in the same position, but the sky had darkened. I leaned against the side of my bed again and looked at the disastrous state of the room. My hurricane of emotions had trashed everything in its path.

I then noticed a plate of food and a glass of water were sitting atop of my nightstand. My stomach growled responsively. I tried to think back to when I ate last and realized I hadn't that day. I scarfed the food down, not particularly enjoying it, but I ate with urgency. I chugged the water, as well. The water I enjoyed. I didn't realize how dry my throat was; the water felt good.

I sat there in the still of the night, and couldn't quite focus on a singular thought. Not that thinking was my friend at that moment. It was probably for the best that my mind was as hollow as the rest of me. And then finally an image sprung to mind; the image of him cradled in my arms. Then the nausea rose in me.

My stomach strained in an uncomfortable way, and I made a dash for the bathroom. I flipped the toilet cover up and vomited my meal. I heaved and groaned in unpleasant ways until everything—which wasn't much—in my stomach had been emptied. I leaned against the tub and wiped my mouth with my hand. I reached for some toilet paper and dabbed the sweat from my forehead and neck.

I felt my body waning. I was too tired to try. I wanted to drag my body to bed, but I couldn't find the strength or motivation, so I simply gave up and settled for the bathroom floor. I curled up in that familiar fetal position again. It somehow alleviated some of the anguish. I stared at the bottom of the sink cabinet and studied the cracks like a madman until my eyelids were too tired to function anymore.

When I woke up again, I was somehow in my bed and my clothes had been stripped. My body didn't reek of vomit and there was a bowl of what looked like soup on my nightstand with another glass of water. I decided to forgo the food, but reached for the water and chugged. I lied my head back down on the pillow and watched the soup emit steam. I watched it without any interest, but I had no clue what else to do. I felt no shred of motivation course through my body; I felt no purpose. So I watched the steam dance until the soup got too cold to produce any steam. Then I closed my eyes again, because I didn't know how else to pass the time…

I had no clue how long I slept, but the blinds were opened by someone and the lighting coming through them was too distracting. I somehow found enough strength and motivation to get up, even if it was just to close the blinds.

When I looked out the window, I was shocked. It was snowing in L.A. I'd always hoped for snow in L.A. because it once reminded me of the winters in Minnesota and it also reminded me of him. But now, snow just reminded me of devastation, sorrow, and death. I stood there momentarily. I just stared at a spot underneath a lamp post. There was nothing particularly special about that spot, but I stared at it like a zombie, watching as flurries of snowflakes hit the same spot and realized I was emotionally disconnected.

But a moment later I discovered I wasn't completely numb. I pictured him.

A sharp pain stabbed my heart at the mere thought of him. I didn't allow myself to say his name, let alone think it. I could feel myself starting to get overwhelmed again, so I crawled back into bed. I noticed that my cold bowl of untouched soup and empty glass had been removed while I was asleep. I knew I should have thanked whoever was trying to take care of me, but I didn't feel the desire to move or care. I threw the comforter over my head and quickly drifted off to sleep again.

I only opened my eyes when the room was too bright for me to sleep again. Whoever kept opening the blinds thinking they were helping my cause was mistaken. When my vision came into focus, I realized someone was kneeling down beside my bed. Then I realized that someone was _him_, and my heart nearly stopped from both elation and shock.

"Lo—" I could barely get myself to say his name.

He stroked my hair then moved to caress my face as I looked into those warm brown eyes of his. He looked as angelic as ever—made even more so. His smile alone illuminated the room. I was embarrassed that he had to see me a total mess.

"You need to take care of yourself, Kendall," he said in the gentlest voice. His voice alone sent a familiar response to my heart. His voice was serene, warm and musical.

"I can't, baby. I don't know how," I cried.

"But you do," he encouraged softly.

"I-I don't… I don't know how to live without you."

"In time, you will, Kendall."

I needed to tell him how sorry I was; how sorry I felt for failing him.

"Please, baby… Please forgive me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, Logan," I pleaded. I realized I said his name.

After that I broke down, bawling profusely.

"There's nothing to forgive, Kendall. You did nothing wrong. Remember when you made the promise to always love me?" I nodded as the tears were streaming down my face. "You can still keep that promise. And promise me one more thing," he continued.

"Anything," I nearly choked out.

"Promise me you will take care of yourself. And only way to do that is you have to let me go."

I wasn't understanding. How would I be able to always love him, if I let him go?

"I-I can't do that. I can't let go of you…"

"You have to," he said piercing me with his eyes.

"But I miss you so much… I miss you so much, baby," I sobbed as he continued to caress my face.

"Shh, it's okay, my love. You'll always have me," was all he said.

And then slowly my eyes became unfocused again and he was nothing more than a blur. I fought to fix my eyes and focus on his face again. I feared I would soon forget his image entirely. But then he was gone. And my eyes opened to a dark room. I was alone again. And the reminder of exactly how alone I was hurt and seared inside of me like you would never believe.

I guess it was wishful thinking on my part. I knew it wasn't actually him. It couldn't have been. A part of me knew I was dreaming the entire time, because the reality was all too present: Logan was gone.

But still, if dreaming was the only way I could feel Logan again—to accept a false image over the real version—then I would willingly lie to myself a thousand times over. His dream-self was only a shade of what the real Logan was like, but it was something to hold onto.

So I spiraled into a chasm of self-torment. I locked myself away from the world and the only things I looked forward to were my conversations with dream-Logan…

In these dreams, I had done things differently. I moved out of the way for the driver that ran us off the road. I prevented the accident. Logan was safe. Logan was alive. And Logan would wake up beside me and fall asleep in my arms, every day and every night. We lived in peace. In the dreams, he had decided to decline the internship and I had quit the band, and we ran off together living on a secluded ranch. We were happy.

My eyes opened, and the alternate world I chose to live in faded, like it always did when I woke. The room looked as though all its colors had been drained. Everything looked bleak and obscure. I longed for the colors in my dreams.

My throat felt dry and I didn't see a glass of water by my bedside this time. I struggled out of the covers and hauled myself to the bathroom. I turned on the lights and everything got too bright too fast. I squinted as I turned the faucet on, drinking the cold water running from it. I no longer had any sense of time; it was all the same. The only physical indication of time passing was the stubble that had grown on my face.

Time was irrelevant. Without Logan, I didn't give a damn what was behind or in front of me anymore. There was no past or future without him. I had burned all those bridges within myself. There were no entrances or exits from the bubble I existed in.

In truth, I tried to imagine a life without Logan, but every time I did, it felt like the knife was digging into my side harder, and twisting itself until it was satisfied with my pain. The imagined life seemed insignificant anyway, so I came to the conclusion that no matter what I thought, felt, or really in this case, didn't allow myself to feel, it all amounted to a big waste of time because in the end I would just go mad.

I had nothing to offer any of my friends or family except my pain, and it was clear that they didn't want any part of it. They didn't know how to mend the guy who lost a lover. There's no Hallmark card that says, "I'm sorry the love of your life died in a car crash". I was probably like a plague they were trying to avoid.

I became something else entirely; a phantom stranger to all those around me, a stranger to myself. And my life became a haunted one, where I played the role of the resident ghost.

After I drank the faucet water, I realized I was tired again. I was always tired. Maybe it was because I subsisted on just water and crackers. I couldn't keep any food down.

I crawled back under the sheets, but found that I couldn't fall asleep on command. I just lied on my back and stared blankly at the ceiling. To be honest, I realized that for once in a long while I actually didn't want to sleep. The dreams were melting into my reality too much.

Having those dreams was comforting. They gave me an escape for reality—from the world where Logan did not exist. But waking up from those dreams was getting more and more heartbreaking. It was like getting to the gates of Heaven only to find out I was really supposed to go to Hell. Yes, leaving dream-Logan was getting harder, because I was starting to believe I actually belonged there with him.

There was a knock at the door.

"Go away," I commanded.

"Sweetie, can I please come in?" Mom asked from behind the barricade.

"Go away," I repeated.

"Honey, you have to eat something," mom said. I didn't respond. "Kendall, honey, I'm coming in."

She opened the door and slowly poked her head in. She carried a tray with a bowl of something hot and a glass of water. She sat on the edge of the bed and laid the tray in front of her.

"Mom, I don't want to eat," I stated. I knew her intentions were in the right place, but I didn't want to be babysat.

"Kendall, please. Just take a few bites," she pleaded with me in her gentlest mom voice.

"I'm tired," I sighed.

"Well, just eat a little and you can go back to sleep. How's that?"

I realized her maternal instincts were in full force, especially with how I had been shutting everyone out. So I didn't respond, and she knew this was my way of surrendering and giving her permission.

I sat upwards and stared vacantly at the mess in my room, as mom fed me a spoonful of what I'm guessing was oatmeal.

She sat there, diligently spoon feeding me each bite. I noticed her eyes begin to water. I wasn't cognitive enough to decipher whether she was relieved I was finally eating or upset about something—then I saw a small smile emerge on her face and got my answer.

No one was more surprised than me when I actually finished the entire bowl. And I washed it down by drinking the entire glass of water. Mom looked joyous at the prospect of me finally eating.

"Would you like seconds?" Mom asked enthusiastically. She stroked my face like how she used to when I was younger.

"No. I think I'm full," I said, sliding back down onto my back.

"It's supposed to be a beautiful day out today," mom enthused. She was making a valiant effort to get me out of the dungeon I hid myself in, but I had no desire to leave.

"I'm tired. I just want to sleep, if that's alright."

I could tell she'd wish I would leave my room for a change, but she feigned a smile and nodded.

"Let me know if you need anything else, sweetie," she said before she exited. "We all just really miss seeing your face."

I closed my eyes and let the fatigue wash over me. That night I didn't dream of Logan. I wasn't sure if I was thankful or disappointed.

I must've slept an entire day, because when I opened my eyes again, breakfast was on my nightstand. It was a plate of scrambled eggs and jam on wheat toast, with a glass of orange juice instead of water this time. Normally the smell of food alone made me nauseous, but to my surprise, I was actually… hungry.

I finished the food save one piece of toast, and gulped the orange juice. I decided I should finally leave my dungeon. I was running out of ways to pass the time, so I figured mindless T.V. would do the trick.

I went into the bathroom in an attempt to spruce myself up a little. I hadn't really looked into a mirror for months. When I saw myself, I was appalled. I wasn't convinced it was my reflection. I was truly ghastly; there was no other word that would have described it better.

I was sporting bushing facial hair and my hair looked manic, with tendrils pointing in all directions. My skin looked sallow and frail, like all the colors had been washed out. My cheekbones jutted out from underneath my thinning skin. In fact, my entire body looked sickly. I looked as awful as I felt. I gave up on cleaning myself up. It felt like a futile attempt anyway.

I opened my bedroom door and stared at the apartment as if I just stepped into an alternate world. Somehow nothing felt familiar. Was the couch always orange? Did they rearrange the furniture? Was the apartment always that big?

I then noticed my friends and family staring at me in awe. James was the first to approach me. Neither one of us knew how we were supposed to act. He gave me an awkward one arm hug, but then took a step back.

"Dude, you reek…" Typical James. Even if the living room had changed, it was surprisingly comforting to know James hadn't. "But I'm glad you came out of your cave, buddy," he added with a smile.

Carlos didn't say anything. Instead, he gave me his signature rib-crushing bear hug. I guess unlike James he wasn't offended by my odor. He didn't need words to convey his feelings. He was just that loveable of a guy.

"I'm so happy you're not cooped up in that room of yours anymore," mom stated, giving me a hug too. "Are you hungry? I could make you a sandwich. Or I can run down to the deli and pick up that soup that you used to love." There was a motherly love but a hint of concern in her voice.

"It's okay, mom," I pacified. "I think I'll just watch some T.V."

I looked over at Katie. She didn't make eye contact with me. Her jaw looked set and she looked a little upset about something. Mom realized I was looking at Katie and her face changed.

"Uh, Katie, why don't you invite your brother to go the park with you?" Mom said in an uneasy voice, feigning another smile.

"Why?" Katie sassed. "I doubt he even wants to go. He never wants to go anywhere."

"Katie!" Mom yelled.

"No, it's okay, mom. Katie, is there something you want to say to me?" I finally spoke. I wasn't sure where her demeanor was stemming from.

"There _was_ a lot I wanted to say to you, but now…" she held back. Her guard was up.

"But what?" I pressed.

"Now there's nothing left to say."

"Katie, maybe you should take it easy on your brother," Carlos chimed in.

"That's not fair! I'm not the one that started this conversation!" Katie defended.

"No, no, it's cool, guys. Katie, talk to me," I pleaded with her.

"Oh _now_ you want to talk to me? Where were you months ago when I wanted to talk? Where were you when I needed you? When we _all_ needed you?" Her eyes were starting to get wet. "I know we're supposed to be supportive, but I don't understand how you could just shut us out like that."

"I'm sorry, Katie," was all I could come up with. Then I added, "You wouldn't understand."

Her mouth dropped, and she looked wounded by my seemingly harmless words.

"You think I don't understand? You think you're the only person that had to deal with a loss?!" Katie yelled. "You don't think I miss Lo—him, too?" It seemed like I wasn't the only one that had a hard time saying his name aloud. "I miss him _so_ much! But you being like _this_ doesn't help! It sucks enough that I lost a friend, but now it also feels like I've lost my brother!"

Tears were streaming down her small face; she was angry, sad and confused. I know, because I had felt like that before I decided it was easier to succumb to being numb. But something dawned on me. She was absolutely right; I couldn't torment myself any longer. I couldn't hide from the world anymore. I wasn't protecting myself. I was harming myself even more, and the ones I loved.

Katie needed her brother. She needed me—the real me—not this zombie-incarnation of me. I wasn't sure how to act human again after suppressing it for so long, but I reached out and held her. She cried into my chest, not putting up that tough guard that she's so used to putting up. She actually seemed her age for once. In that moment, she was innocent, she was a child again… my little sister.

My loose embrace slowly tightened around her and I felt myself slowly coming back to the surface. It was as if I was trying to frantically swim to the surface from icy cold water, because at any moment I could sink back into the depths below and really be lost forever. Katie saved me. She brought me back to the surface. We stood there for who knows how long, but I didn't mind. In fact, I think I needed it as much as she did.


	19. Spring

**A/N: So this is the final chapter to "Big Time Love Story"! It's very bittersweet for me, because I'm happy to finally finish this story and share it with all of you, but I also had so much fun writing it and will miss it dearly. I started this story way back in February, so it's been a long journey, but I've enjoyed every bit of it! Now the story can finally live in fanfic heaven lol. I hoped you all enjoyed reading it, and I want to thank you for all the lovely comments.**

**I decided to call this chapter "Spring" because I thought it was appropriate for several reasons. The story was supposed to showcase their relationship through the four seasons, with summer being the opening season and spring being the closing one. It also felt right, because spring symbolizes a rebirth and life after a harsh winter. This story is about Kendall and how he grieves after a tragic loss. So this chapter is essentially his growth through the tragedy.**

**This chapter was inspired by:**

**"Nothing In My Way" by Keane**

**"Through Your Eyes" by The Honey Trees**

**Please review and share your thoughts. And I'd love to know if you had a favorite chapter! And now without further ado, I give you "Spring".**

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><p>That night I spent the night in James and Carlos' room. It would've felt like a step backwards to go back into my dungeon. I feared I wouldn't come out again for another few months if I went back in. Besides, it was comforting to have my friends by me. And they certainly helped distract me from thinking about him too much. They caught me up on their lives. I admit that I was only partially listening. For one, I didn't know half the names they'd mention. I assumed they were referring to new residents at the Palm Woods. And two, my weariness was winning out over me once more. The day had been emotionally taxing, so I listened politely for as long as I could before my eyelids admitted defeat and closed.<p>

When I woke up, something in me had changed. I wasn't completely mended, but I could feel that I was slowly beginning to forge myself back together. After seeing my friends, mom and Katie, I knew I had to find the strength to put myself back, no matter how difficult it felt.

"Oh, morning, Kendall," Carlos greeted.

"We weren't sure if you wanted to sleep," James proclaimed. "We didn't want to wake you."

"No worries." I noticed they were already dressed. "You guys going somewhere?"

"Yeah, we were just going to go grab breakfast around the corner. Want to come with?" James invited.

"Nah, you guys go ahead."

They exchanged worried looks. I could sense that they felt obligated to watch me now. I frowned at the thought of being babysat, but smiled because I was lucky to have such caring friends.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine," I soothed. "Maybe I'll meet up with you guys later today?"

The truth was that I wasn't entirely sure if I was ready to face the outside world quite yet. But James and Carlos were nothing but supportive, so I owed them a glimmer of hope at the very least.

"Okay! That sounds good!" Carlos cheered.

"Alright, well, let us know if you need anything," James added.

I smiled and nodded. I rubbed my face and realized I still had a full beard. I decided it was time to shed all the grief both figuratively and literally.

I headed for the bathroom to groom myself when I noticed all my bed sheets had been stripped from my bed, and all the dirty clothes on the floor were gone. Mom wasted no time trying to clean—and probably disinfect—my filthy room.

But I noticed something still lying on the corner of the room. I went over and picked it up and saw that it was a photo of Logan. A sharp pain struck my heart, but I suppressed it, because I wasn't ready to erase his image from my mind. I wanted to study his face again; his contours, his features, his beauty… A tear fell on the cracked glass. It must have been damaged during my tirade.

"I know you miss him," a voice from the door said.

I spun around and looked at my mom's somber face, through my misty eyes.

"I really do…" I admitted, choking on my own words.

I went over to my stripped bed and sat down, still clutching the photo. Mom came over and sat beside me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Mom asked tenderly as she stroked the back of my head.

I wanted to run away, hide and curl up in a ball again. But I knew I couldn't move backward, only forward. I needed to address the pain inside; I needed to open up for my sanity. So I forced myself to speak.

"With him, it all came so effortlessly. Without him, I can't even begin to try."

"Logan would want you to." Mom held my hands in a tight ball and forced me to look into her eyes. "Logan would want you to _try_."

"But how?" I asked with naïvete in my voice.

"I don't know, sweetie," mom shrugged nonchalantly. "No one truly has those answers. And no one expects you to walk away from this unchanged, because the truth is, you _are_ changed. But how you define that is entirely up to you. You can let something like this consume you until there's nothing left, or you can pull out of it and live life—live life the way Logan would want you to."

The last part demanded my full attention. I never really thought of it that way. Logan would never allow me to become so defeated. He would demand that I get out of bed, put on a better attitude and face the day. He would be ashamed of me if he saw me now. The thought alone made me feel like I had somehow let him down. I needed to make things right. I needed to honor Logan's memory; he deserved better.

"Thank you, mom."

"For what?" She looked genuinely puzzled.

"For never giving up on me, even when at times I gave up on myself," I clarified.

"I could never give up on you, honey. Ever."

I rested my head on her shoulder and she wrapped her arms around me and rested her face on the top of my head. Even though I towered over my petite mom, in that moment it felt like I was a small child again and it was comforting. There was a certain kind of calm in knowing I could be vulnerable again. It reminded me that I was still able to feel something…

**SPRING**

The sun beamed through my window and directly on my face. I opened an eye, but kept the other one tightly shut. I looked at the time; it was still early, too early for even the sun to be up. But then I reached for my phone and checked the date. It was spring… I lied back down and silently wondered where the months went. In many ways, I was thankful that winter had passed. It had been the darkest point in my life, but more significantly… I had survived it. I endured the pain and made it through, although at the time I convinced myself I wouldn't be able to.

If I could get through the darkness, I could surely find my way back into the light. Granted it hadn't been easy. And I took baby steps during the process. I had no longer exiled myself into my room, but I still hadn't faced the outside world yet. The thought alone terrified me. But, I decided that today was the day. There was no point in waiting for a "better day" because I would always find excuses; I would always be afraid until I conquered it. In probability, the longer I put it off, the more afraid I would be. So I decided that today, I would leave the apartment.

As I looked into my bathroom mirror, I actually _looked_ at myself. I saw a healthier version of myself, at least healthier than how I had looked a few months prior. My skin no longer looked sickly, my hair's sheen was restored, my face looked full again, the color in my lips had returned; in fact, I got all my coloring back. In that moment, I could feel that I would be okay; everything would be okay. I didn't even realize that I was smiling until I saw it in my reflection.

With my hope restored, I got dressed in a simple t-shirt and faded jeans and left my room.

"What'cha got planned today, sweetie?" Mom asked from the kitchen.

I looked at her, smiled and let out a small exhale.

"I think I'm going to head to the park today," I replied.

I could tell she was refraining from smiling from ear to ear, but a portion of her happiness still managed to emerge.

"Well, have fun, sweetie," she said. As I headed out the door, she called out to me. "Kendall. I just want to let you know how proud I am of you, and that I love you so much."

"I love you too, mom," I smiled.

I received a few quick glances from the residents. I can only imagine what they were all thinking: the heartbroken boy had finally returned from his self-exile. But I paid no mind to who was staring or what they were thinking. I just wanted to take the next step to mending myself.

When I got to the park, I was surprised by how good it felt to be outdoors again. I had been imagining it to be something of the complete opposite; an ugly cruel world just because Logan no longer existed in it. But it wasn't. There I stood, basking in it all: the sunlight, the breeze, the noise, the _life_. The world didn't seem like a dark cynical betrayer that I had convinced myself it was all this time. The world seemed full of endless possibilities again.

All the senses I had forgotten or had simply chose to ignore were coming back, and this time I didn't want to run away from them. I stood in the center of the park, and felt the sun warm my skin. I looked up at the glorious, cloudless blue sky and smiled at the dazzling sun. I gently closed my eyes and welcomed the warmth and beauty. Logan would have loved a day like this. I took a deep inhale and then let out a long drawn exhale.

"Kendall?" I heard a familiar voice call out.

I opened my eyes and saw Camille watching me bask in the rays.

"Camille. It's been too long," was all I could think of to say.

She approached me. She hesitated briefly, before she crashed against me, hugging me tightly. I heard her snob and sniffle, but she buried her head into my chest so I wouldn't be able to see her tears.

"It's good to see you, Kendall," she stated, straightening herself and wiping the excess tears from her eyes. "We missed you. Logan would be happy to see you out again," Camille said smiling before walking off.

_Yes, I suppose he would_, I thought to myself. I sat down on an empty bench and simply soaked in the beautiful day. I could feel myself mending already.

The day was revelatory for me. It was easy to be frozen in a moment of time—to be consumed by guilt and sorrow—but still, without choice and certainly not enough time to prepare, life inches us forward just like a stubborn, but righteous friend—a friend like Logan. It's not ready to give up on you, even when you have given up on yourself. It's unrelenting, it's even fucking annoying at times, but it's right… you simply must continue. Life was everywhere, and never more apparent than in spring, when the blossoms grew, the leaves on trees were restored, the animals that had been hibernating returned.

Life didn't stop just because I did. It still continues and you can decide whether you want to get on board or get left behind.

I decided I didn't want to get left behind.

**EPILOGUE**

It had been close to six months since Logan passed away. Every day was an internal struggle to heal myself, to learn that I could move on. I would be lying if I said the process was easy. Some days were better than other days. Some days I just wanted to close the blinds and curl up into a ball again, but I reminded myself I could no longer do that. I was lucky enough though, to be surrounded by loving and supportive family and friends. In fact, today I was meeting Carlos and James for lunch. It had been a few weeks since I'd seen the guys, so I was really excited.

"Kendall!" I heard Carlos call out. He and James were waiting at a table outside of a café. "We saved you a seat."

"Hey, Carlos," I greeted, before giving him a big hug. His hug was bigger. I had forgotten that his hugs were quite literally rib-crushing.

"Hey, man, how've you been?" James smiled.

"Good, good. You?" I asked as I hugged him, too.

"Busy! Recording the new album," James sighed, feigning stress. But we all knew he secretly enjoyed every minute of it. It was the reason he came out to Hollywood, after all.

"Oh man, Kendall, I was just telling James a funny story about what happened on set the other day!" Carlos gushed.

He went on to tell me his story, and I couldn't help but smile, thinking how far we'd all come. Those boys from Minnesota, completely naïve and clueless, and here we were now, shaping our own careers and molding our own lives.

After all the time I took to grieve, it was only natural—and fair—that the guys went off and tried their hand in Hollywood. With Logan gone, and the time it took me to get out of my depression, the prospect of a boy band with just Carlos and James didn't make a lot of sense to Griffin, so Big Time Rush was disbanded.

At the time I felt a surge of guilt, but James and Carlos reassured it wasn't anything I did wrong. I was once again reminded of how lucky I was to have their friendship.

But it turned out bittersweet, because James now has a great solo singing career (also under Gustavo's management) and Carlos—accompanied by his lucky helmet—is a sought-after stunt coordinator for Hollywood.

The three of us sat at the café corner for hours, sharing stories, reminiscing and laughing. It was nice to know that our friendship wasn't going anywhere just because our careers were. I checked my watch and told them I had to be somewhere. We all got up and hugged once more and waved good-bye, promising to meet up again in a few weeks.

I walked a few blocks down and entered a talent agency. I told the receptionist of my appointment and she led me directly into the office of a talent agent.

"You know, Mr. Knight—" he began.

"Please, call me Kendall," I requested.

"Alright. Well, Kendall, I got to admit, I was surprised you called this department. I figured you would've called the agents for singers/songwriters, given your success with Big Time Rush and all."

It was a bit strange to hear the group's name again. Neither James, Carlos or I ever really mentioned the name. It was just an unspoken thing between us.

"Well, maybe someday I'll get back into music. But for now… I really want to share this with you. It's something I've worked on for months and it's really important to me," I said. Then I opened up my bag and handed him a copy of my script.

"What's the premise of the screenplay?"

"Well… it's about a rather unconventional love story. But it's a beautiful, sweeping love story that although, it may seem tragic at first, it's not. It's about how that love will always be instilled in us, because it's that strong, that unbreakable."

He looked at me for a moment like he still wasn't convinced, but then spoke.

"Kendall, I have to be honest. It will be a tough sell," he frowned. "Hollywood wants big budget action flicks now. There's a very small market for romance. And you are a first time screenwriter, which makes it harder to pitch to studios… _But_, I have a feeling about this, and more importantly, a feeling about you, _so_… why the hell not?" I sighed from relieve and smiled. "Have you decided on a title yet?"

"Yes," I answered confidently.

"What is it?"

"_The Promise_."

He smiled. And somehow, I knew he would.

We discussed a few more things before I shook his hand and left his office. I went home feeling great.

"Hey, big brother," Katie greeted. "How did the meeting go?"

"_Fan_-tastic, little sister!" I beamed, playfully messing her hair.

"That's terrific, sweetie!" Mom congratulated from the kitchen.

"I know, right? Hey, mom, do you think I could borrow the car for a couple of hours?"

I could tell by her expression that she had reservations in me getting back into a car after what happened. But after she deliberated for a moment she smiled and nodded.

"Will you back before dinner?" was all she asked.

"Yes, definitely. Don't worry; I just need to make one last stop," When I said this, Mom understood.

She knew where I was going, and that it was important to me. She nodded and handed me her car keys.

When I got into the car, I momentarily froze. I sat still until my body decided to resist remaining still; that's when I began trembling—first my hands, then the rest of me. I looked over at the passenger seat and thought for a millisecond about Logan; I felt a stab in my chest. I tried to close my eyes and erase the terrible images, but it only brought more awful images to the surface. I kept on being reminded of broken glass, snow and blood. I could feel my emotions getting the best of me. I couldn't let them break me down again.

I only rode in cars; I hadn't driven one yet since the accident. I knew this would happen. I also knew this was another fear I had to overcome. I took a deep inhale and then exhaled slowly. I held the keys and tried to steady my hands and put it the ignition. I took another breath and put the car in drive.

I drove to the edge of town and parked when I made it to my destination. The cloudless sky had disappeared, and was replaced by an overcast of light grey clouds, forewarning rain.

I walked on the lush, green spring grass and stopped in front of Logan's headstone.

This had been another thing I had avoided. It was absolutely the scariest thing; the thing I feared most of all. I thought if I saw his grave, then it meant I really had to put him to rest, that I would have to finally let go. This was why I couldn't go to the funeral.

Initially I thought I was being haunted by the memory of Logan, that somehow I was cursed with perpetual guilt. But now I understood that he was embedded in me. He would always be a part of me regardless, perhaps not in a physical embodiment, but maybe something even greater, in an almost inexplicably spiritual way.

I could feel tears begin to spill out of eyes, when I realized that I had to say farewell to Logan again. I now understood what he meant when he told me in my dream that I had to let him go. He wanted me to begin healing. And for that, I was thankful.

I felt sad, yes; indisputably sad. But I also felt free as the rain began to pour, washing over my guilt and sorrow. I allowed the cool spring rain to hit my face, invigorating me, imbuing me with much needed strength. I was renewed.

I looked down at the ring on my finger and smiled knowing he was wearing his, too. This would be the symbol of our everlasting love. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. The edges were frayed and now the paper was getting wet from the rain. It was the eulogy that I was supposed to read at the funeral; the funeral I didn't attend. It wasn't a long or particularly impressive eulogy, but it was honest. It was how I felt, how I still feel and how I will forever feel about Logan. This was my redemption and this was my way of righting a wrong to Logan.

I cleared my throat, but I could feel the emotions boiling to the surface. It was getting harder to fight back the tears, but I suppressed as much as I could, because I needed to do this for the both of us.

I held out the paper and read it to Logan's headstone.

"There's this place in me where your fragile hands still rest, your tender kisses still linger, and your gentle whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me. And I know that no amount of words, prayers, or tears could ever bring you back into my arms. But I just want to let you know that I will keep my promise to you, Logan Mitchell… I'll never stop loving you."

"Love is the emblem of eternity;

It confounds all notion of time;

Effaces all memory of a beginning,

All fear of an end."

Germaine de Stael


End file.
